My Gf Has Hiv - An Update

[stevenjm]

Hey everybody, just figured it could be of benefit to update on the post "my gf has hiv - shattered, what to do?" previous post here http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=32040

This could be an extremely large post so will just stick to basics. Recapping for those who did not read the post, my gf had hiv and with the help and advice of posters here, one special person even giving blood, we managed to get her treatment and back on the road to recovery.

Well being a man of my word I married her a short time later, my family all came over from Australia for the wedding , and things were great, we went on trips together, laughed, talked, cried and smiled together. This was a very trying time but we came through it not too badly and I built us a house which pretty well wiped out my finances. And the continued trauma left me with a morphine tablet abuse problem which was barely under control. I started to travel to aus every few months or so for a week with my parents as my father has cancer

her cd4 levels rose and she responded well to the medication. About nine months ago her personality started to change and she started to act like a spoilt brat, demanding money all the time and threatening to leave if she did not get her way with things. This period of her personality decline coincided with a "family friend" who was visiting more and more often. I tried to turn a blind eye to a lot of this because I had made assumptions in the past and been wrong.

anyway, last trip to aus I stayed in aus for around 3 months as I was hospitalised for parasitic infection. I anticipated a stay of this length as I needed time with my father and needed some time to regain some weight and get the morph tablets out of my system which I succeeded in doing. Before I left for aus I made sure all bills were paid and gave her money every fortnight via a keycard. I was giving her more than usual in case of any drama arising and her needing help. Anyway after my first 2 weeks in aus I started to get phone calls for extra money with which there always seemed a legitimate reason such as water pump blowing up, generator being stolen etc. etc. She was in touch by phone and not a single call was to see how I was doing it was always for money. The final straw was that I noticed she had developed a bad cough that persisted and she called me again saying she had to pawn my motorbike because her sister was having a baby and she needed the money desperately for the hospital for her sister. I gave in and sent the money again and decided it was time to head back to Phnom Penh to find out what was happening.

I have dedicated myself entirely to Naka both through medical and emotional and financial support and she was kind and loving in return ( I would never had married her otherwise) but I must admit the marriage was partly to get her mind of the hiv and not feel like a leper and that people can see beyond those type of things and love is from the heart and illness does not alter that.

anyway I arrived at Phnom Penh airport and telephoned to ask if she could come pick me up on the motorbike and that I had a few nice presents for her, her response was that the motorbike was in the shop again and I should get a hotel as she had no way of picking me up. I may be a little slow but I am not stupid and realised at this point that something was badly wrong. I got a moto taxi home and when I saw her there was no emotion or usual greeting and she looked like skin and bones and was coughing continuously. I questioned her as to what had been happened and that I am no fool, as there was no new water pump or generator etc. and she was flat broke despite all the money I was also sending her fortnightly, also the last 2 electricity bills were not paid and I had to pay back loans she had made all over the place. finally she said with a grin, as is getting satisfaction through telling me, that she has been smoking ice ever since that family friend prick had showed on the scene.

Next day I promptly went to Phnom Penh, paid another 350 to get the moto back again and then took her to the doctors to find out why she had such a bad cough and then got X-rays and sputum tests and she was diagnosed with t.b. or tuberculosis. So now it was time to get her medication sorted out. I made an appointment at a close-by clinic for her and said I needed the motorbike as I had to try and borrow some money from Australia as all these bills had left me with nothing. Well stupid me, mentioning I had cash problems. around 12 I phoned her to see how she was going and she turned off the phone.

She returned 8 days later without the motorbike and said it was in the shop again. I forgot to mention also that for the last 6-9 months she had treated me like shit and barely spoken to me but I thought we would get through it after she realised how much I had done for her and perhaps it was just her way of dealing with the stigma of having hiv, not only that but I had made a commitment by marrying her and was going to try and work through whatever the problem was. Anyway she was aware that I would have cash in a few days and just pretended like the moto incident was no big deal. I then informed her that it was a big deal and it was the final straw because I hard warned her over and over I was having cash problems and now could not afford to get the moto back again - she had treated me like shit after all I had done for and it was obvious she had changed and no longer loved me. I said that we would have to sell the house and I would give her half the money and then return to Australia a broken man.

Her response to this was no we will not sell the home as the land titles were in her name and despite the fact I had purchased the land she had hidden the papers. The only paper which she missed was one in English, because a foreigner cannot own land in Cambodia but can own property I wrote up a land lease for seventy years saying that the land was mine to do with what I want under lease for seventy years and I wrote a Khmer version and English version and I wrote on the English and Khmer versions that in event of dispute with the lease that the English version would prevail and take precedence over the Khmer version. The copy I have is finger printed by her, myself and the commune chief and officially stamped.

I am now so devastated and at a loss what to do legally I have started taking morphine tablets again in order to prevent myself from committing suicide and try to not accept this as all being real.

Basically I have committed the past four years treating her like a queen and getting her through hiv and now t.b. and taken her on trips and done whatever I could to make her happy and she has now just totally stabbed me in the heart as gratitude and has taken everything I own to the point I am now at the age of 44, penniless through trying to help and loving somebody and have to start a new life with nothing.

Once again people, any advice, besides you idiot. I am now scared to stop taking the morphine tablets as I am scared of what will happen when I have to face all this without a crutch. No I am not some sort of drug addict I am just trying to get through this emotional hel_l and remain alive. Legal advice would be very helpful if anybody is familiar with leases and Cambodian law. It is a very basic lease contract but covers the important aspects

How can such a sweet, innocent, loving person be so cruel to another human being after all I have willingly lost for her until now I have nothing?

I am now still living in the house temporally and supporting her while I try to figure a way out of this and the only way I can think is get a one way ticket back to aus and start a life in a country where I have lost all ties with friends and am 44 and broke.

Meanwhile she emotionally blackmails me and will not take her t.b. medication if I do not give her money , this is the most dangerous game you can play because if the t.b. antibiotics are not taken religiously a super t.b. strain develops which is incurable by conventional t.b. treatments, it is a sickening death and the number one cause of death among people who are hiv positive.

I am a hel_l of a professional dedicated web developer and search engine specialist with experience in banking software sales if anybody is looking for a dedicated man of his word in any country and would be a dedicated asset I am certainly in the position to be available as go's for any position in I.T .(or anything at all). My health is good, I do not have hiv or any other illness and am a dedicated worker and am generally emotionally very stable.

Once again, thanks for all your help before and especially you Sheryl.

regards Steve.

The moral of this whole thing ............ I will let you know when I figure it out. (maybe it could be - drugs are bad!, or pessimism is based on fact and insight while optimism is based on fantasy and luck)

footnote: I am not trying to seek attention by mentioning suicide, truth be known, in my normal frame of mind, I would not ever even consider that type of thing. But what I am saying is that I am scared that perhaps after all these events that in the future maybe in a different frame of mind this could become something I could possibly consider and that scares me because I am not and have never been that type of person.

To lose everything but save naka and make her happy I could have dealt with, but to lose everything, still have her dying and also despise me and take advantage of me after giving her everything is so painful I cannot possibly put it into words.

any advice ( due to the fact I am so desperate and only have 1 month left on visa, also have been warned if I do not leave soon my life could be in danger)

can pm'd or post here

What makes me really sick is that in a couple of months the whole family will be sitting in my lounge-room laughing about Naka managed to destroy and take all the worldly possessions off the man who loved her, saved her life and married her and was so generous to her is still wearing the same clothes he had four years ago because he spent everything helping her and could not afford to buy even the smallest of things for himself because he loved and pitied her so much that it felt good to see her smile when he bought her things. Well, where is Buddha now? And, why, you may ask did I do all this? Because it seemed the morally correct thing to do and without me she would have died. Would I do it all again if faced with the same situation? Yes, but I would hope I were a better judge of character.

Sorry for rambling - I took a valium( sleeping tablet) earlier and still cannot sleep .

Edited July 22, 2007 by stevenjm

[jumnien]

I can speak from experience that you can, with the help of others that have gone before you, escape from the prison of your opiate addiction. The other complications are just other complications that come with the territority. Get help and be strong! It's not unusual for us to have rather unskillful relationships when we are struggling with our demons. Sobriety is just a day without a fix away! And it's beautiful!!!

[Jimmyd]

It's time to stop taking care of her and start taking care of yourself.

Get out of Cambodia, go back to Australia and your family, and start a new life--forget about the land you own, it's not worth fighting for.

[Mobi]

You have to close the chapter on this terrible and tragic story.

You have done all you can and done more than most.

Get out of Cambodia, go home and sort yourself out.

Yes, you are 44 and broke. But it's better than being 60 or 70 and broke.

Go home and get the support from your family and agencies you need for your addiction and state of mind. If you are a talented web developer, you should be able to start again and make a new career for yourself - you are still comparatively young.

I really feel for you, but you must be strong - forget her and start again.

If she has TB, I don't think it will be too long before she will cease to bother you. But you have done your bit, there's nothing more you can do.

I would forget about your lease - it is just too dangerous to try and enforce your rights.

A divorce will almost certainly be unnecessary.

Good luck, and God speed.

Mobi

[PeaceBlondie]

Sorry, but it reminds me of that old song title, "You're un-be-lieve-a-ble!"

[Jersey_UK]

I appreciate that it's always easier to look at things from afar with no emotional involvement, but FWIW I think you have done as much as you can (indeed IMO over and above)...........it might not be pleasant but IME some situations just cannot be resolved or have happy endings...........their comes a point when you have to cut 100% and move on for your own sanity / happiness / well being.

Sad but true..........

Anyway, all the best.

[stevenjm]

I can speak from experience that you can, with the help of others that have gone before you, escape from the prison of your opiate addiction. The other complications are just other complications that come with the territority. Get help and be strong! It's not unusual for us to have rather unskillful relationships when we are struggling with our demons. Sobriety is just a day without a fix away! And it's beautiful!!!

Please. I really appreciate your advice, but I am not and will not ever be dependant on opiates. I am taking them evry now and then on the really bad days when I feel trapped. While back in Australia the last trip I did not even think about the tablets. I have just been using them here once or twice or week as a sort of antidepressant. Also it scares the hel_l out of me having to lose everything by trying to do the right thing thing by somebody and now find it was all a waste of time and I have to start agin from nothing. I was always prepared to give her half of anything I owned and I would be happy to come out this with anything so at least I am not facing poverty and have a little to kick me off again. I really do not want to burden my parents with the results of my stupidity.

[stevenjm]

I appreciate that it's always easier to look at things from afar with no emotional involvement, but FWIW I think you have done as much as you can (indeed IMO over and above)...........it might not be pleasant but IME some situations just cannot be resolved or have happy endings...........their comes a point when you have to cut 100% and move on for your own sanity / happiness / well being.

Sad but true..........

Anyway, all the best.

Thanks jersey,

thats what scares me, that you are probably correct but its just so hard to accept.

[Heng]

Rough stuff indeed. Brave of you to come out and share your story. Hope some of the folks who are quick to brag about their bareback sex tourist romps around Asia and Eastern Europe read it... along with all of those folks who are still in denial that HIV even exists and continue to lead their lives without a single concern for others.

[Robski]

What makes me really sick is that in a couple of months the whole family will be sitting in my lounge-room laughing about Naka managed to destroy and take all the worldly possessions off the man who loved her, saved her life and married her and was so generous to her is still wearing the same clothes he had four years ago because he spent everything helping her and could not afford to buy even the smallest of things for himself because he loved and pitied her so much that it felt good to see her smile when he bought her things. Well, where is Buddha now? And, why, you may ask did I do all this? Because it seemed the morally correct thing to do and without me she would have died. Would I do it all again if faced with the same situation? Yes, but I would hope I were a better judge of character.

You say you did all this because you loved her, but it seems to me you did all this because you loved the idea of helping her.

The white knight in shining armour saving the tragically poor, and therefore innocent, maiden in distress.

Would you have done all this if the woman was Australian and facing the same situations there?

Well the white knight has been knocked of his horse and his ego has taken a beating, the sooner you wake up, stop wallowing in self pity and realise this situation arose because of your own poor judgement the sooner you can get on with the rest of your life.

You made a big mistake, you can't change that or her as a person, you still have your health and great earning potential, get off the drugs and out of Cambodia a.s.a.p.

[swain]

You did your best man! You can't kill yourself trying to save her. If I were you and had the means I would have had her in a psych hospital on some mood stabilizers, and making sure she gets her meds. All of this takes money I know and you don't have it and you have done what you can do. If you feel the need to help her further you have to get your self stable and healthy, which means going home and getting the attention you need and a job so you can make the money to do so. I understand not being able to walk away from someone you care about, but look at it this way.. you will do more harm than good staying now. Go home recoup and get your life together. I am friends with my wifes family and if she started off the deep end I can tell you they would help me get her into a psych hospital. If her family is so disturbed that they would laugh at the situation then its no wonder she is messed up.

[skippybangkok]

I always say little angels come and point you in the right direction - in 5 years from now you might be happily re-married with a great woman, have some kids and a dog and a lovely house, looking back and thanking your lucky stars for the "sign".

Edited July 22, 2007 by skippybangkok

[britmaveric]

Time to think about yourself mate, sort house out and get your arse back to oz pronto. You maybe lighter in the wallet, but you are full of wisdom now.

[LaoPo]

Time to think about yourself mate, sort house out and get your arse back to oz pronto. You maybe lighter in the wallet, but you are full of wisdom now.

Seconded.

The OP is a high skilled IT professional and I'm sure, once he manages to get his wife out of his mind, he'll do fine -again-.

Take a one-way ticket to OZ...there's no way you can solve her problems anymore...sorry to say so.

Oh, and forget what family or friends will say or think, back home. People forget quickly, your bad experience also!

LaoPo

[junkofdavid2]

1) Book your 1-way ticket to OZ.

2) Sub-lease the house to some gangster-goon for 1 baht/year for 70-years use.

3) And then fly home and do all the positive stuff enumerated by the other posters.

[Jersey_UK]

1) Book your 1-way ticket to OZ.

Yeah, for sure on this one.

2) Sub-lease the house to some gangster-goon for 1 baht/year for 70-years use.

I understand that you reckon her family will be sitting in "your" lounge laughing their c#cks off at you - which is not nice. But I think you simply need to accept that for you the house is gone. You bet on red and it came up black.

But for you to have the last laugh all you need to do is..............leave them in PP and return to farangland, get a job and restablish yourself emotionally and economically. "They" will still be the same f#ckwits they always were, stuck in the same sh#thole they always have been, with the same nada $$$ prospects.........and in due course odds on they will lose the house themselves.

[terryp]

You may not like my answer but life is hard……Especially in very poor Countries.

First of all don’t walk away, abso..bluddy..lutly RUN

You are getting in a corner and YOUR life is in danger.

Like all Asian Countries the young are the providers for the elderly (parents) your wife is protecting the assets of the property for her blood family as she knows all too well time is not on her side.

Your piece of paper means very little as the land will almost certainly be well and truly written as your wife’s, the family could very likely just strip and dismantle the house and sell it for whatever they can get.

Cambodia has a terrible way of beheading foreigners that cause waves…so in your best interest; say you must return back to OZ for some reason (going to get more money will work fine) and close the door on this.Value of Life is very cheap here, it's not worth the risk.

Move on and don’t look back, cut off all communication & get your life back on track

One last thing; once things like crystal meth come into the picture…it’s time to run as users will do anything for a fix (I think you know what I mean)

[Mighty Mouse]

This girl needs more than just medical help, she needs help in being a decent, appreciative, caring, sharing, loving human being and quite frankly, I believe she is beyond it.

Despite all your good intentions she is using and abusing you. You are not going to change her, let her live and die by her own volition.

Go home to Oz. At 44 you still have plenty of time to re-build your life, your pride and your bank account.

[backflip]

Your GF has HIV and, according to you, YOU have all of the problems: financial, emotional, drug addiction. It's all about you, you poor baby.

[jaideeguy]

Sorry to hear your horror story....it's not the first I've heard with us well intentioned falangs here in asia. I agree with the overwhelming majority of posters that you should get out of this movie and take care of yourself. You can't help her or anyone until you help yourself.

She [and maybe you] sound self distructive and it looks like all the 'help' you have given her so far has only enabled her to destroy herself even more. you are not doing her [or yourself] any good by [$] helping...she will drag you down even further.

GO man GO!! they survived before we came and will always manage to survive without us!!

I've tried to help many people here in LOS and have come to that conclusion. My policy now is to 'help the ones that help themselves' and forget the rest

Good luck and keep us informed.

[duke69]

1) file for divorce -- so she cannot come over to Australia nor disturb you anymore

2) burn the house -- or pay someone to do it

3) piss back to Australia

4) try to get a new life although it will be very difficoult since you're a loser, but you should be able to survive

5) some sugar in the motorbike tank will help to sweet the situation

[taxexile]

once things like crystal meth come into the picture…it’s time to run as users will do anything

yes , like setting you up for being in possession and arrested if she thought there was a payday at the end of it.

you need to be out of there and away from all that , and quick.

[TommyGun]

Just a suggestion and i maybe completely wrong. Your GF is i'll as you mentioned, and the chances are she won't be around for to long if she doesn't care for herself. I know this sounds sick but from what you have said you have been taken advantage of seriously. If she passes away sadly, what happens to the property. Will you not have more of a rights to it. If this is true, would it be best to leave the country, but refuse a divorce.

[duke69]

she will leave the property to her family with or without a will, even after her death her family can "create" a will and a Judge will enforce it, house+land are GONE.

If you are a strong man and have the balls.......just smile, leave and never turn back.....otherwise do as I suggested before which is the easy way to feel rewarded for your weaknesses.

If you stay longer, she will perhaps pay someone to get you killed, and police will classify it as suicide

[jaideeguy]

One more sad platitude that i might add that may sound kind of harsh is 'that here in asia.....kindness can be intrepreted as a sign of weakness" and you will be taken advantage of. I can say this with 15 yrs living as a kind hearted expat. and not saying that i take my own advise either as i support many of my wife's relatives and have to constantly say 'no' or 'later' when asked for money. Your situation with drugs involved seems much more hopeless and if you value your own sanity and life, you should take others advise and 'get out of town' fast!!!.

[taxexile]

she will perhaps pay someone to get you killed,

...... i.e. paying with your money !

[quiksilva]

What's to be afraid of? There are always new opportunities for making money and love.

It didn't turn out right this time, but next time it might.

So go home to your family, start again and keep your chin up!

[Irene]

Rough stuff indeed. Brave of you to come out and share your story. Hope some of the folks who are quick to brag about their bareback sex tourist romps around Asia and Eastern Europe read it... along with all of those folks who are still in denial that HIV even exists and continue to lead their lives without a single concern for others.

Heng,

You are right on the spot of the gallantry of the man to share the story with us. I had a lump in my throat while reading the story. Unfortunately, I am not good enough to give advice on this nature.

[dominique355]

The question seems to be:

Is her character like this because of her HIV condition, has her character changed with her infection?

Or did the HIV condition bring out her true character?

Only you can answer this question, but if the second possibility is true, I believe it's time for you to say Good Bye.

In the banking and financial business they would tell you not to throw good money after bad money when an investment has gone sour. Maybe it's time for you to stop throwing good time and effort after bad times. If things cannot be repaired, abandon and start thinking of yourself.

[Sheryl]

Steve,

So sorry to hear how things have gone.

I will be in Phnom Penh from 31 July - 17 August and will get in touch with you then if you are still there . Is your number the same?

I think what you are seeing in Naka is the effect of the amphetamine use. Unfortunately there is nothing at all you can do until such a time as she herself decides to stop using...if she does. Also, the fact that she developed TB makes me strongly suspect that she stopped taking her HIV meds.

Not only can you not stop her from the destructive path she is on (destructive both to you and to herself) but by hanging in there you are in a sense enabling her to continue. In a case like this the person needs to hit bottom before they will realize that they need to change.

She is not going to regain her health unless she herself takes responsibility for doing so. So do not allow her to blackmail you on the TB drug thing etc.

Give her the contact info for NA in Cambodia (if they have meetings in Khmer) or else an NGO helping with addiction, and then tell her firmly that you can do nothing further for her until she gets off drugs. Then LEAVE and do not respond to any communiques from her. I can arrange to have some reliable Khmer friends (you remember the older Khmer woman who you met at my place) go see her, try to talk a bit of sense and then check up on her periodically, then I can let you know what's going on without your needing to directly be in contact with her.

Keep the land papers with you. If she continues on her present path she won't live long and you can then reclaim the land and house. From what I recall her family is poor and does not have the kind of connections it would take to make trouble.

There is a small chance that the shock of your leaving plus her illness etc will bring her to her senses and that she'll get off drugs and come around. In which case you can return and pick up the pieces. But don't count on this. It may or may not happen and is beyond your power to control.

Sounds like returning to Australia is your best option. Once there, immediately start attending Al-Anon (support group for friends and relatives of substance abusers) and work that program. It will help you get a more realistic handle on where your responsibility ends, and also a more objective take on the whole situation. I would also strongly suggest you do a course of Vipassana meditation, if you go to the website www.dhamma.org you can find the addresses and course schedules for courses in Australia. If you do these two things I can guarantee you that not only is your life not over, it is about to be better than it ever has been and you will look back on this trauma as a positive turning point.

Lastly -- stop the morphine NOW. With a history of addiction even occasional use is too risky for you and will only compound your problems. If you need something to help you sleep take Atarax 50-100 mg, it is a non-addictive mild tranquilizer. You can also take it during the day for anxiety but in that case dose of 25-50 mg and don't mix with alcohol.

Let's keep in touch

Sheryl