Haven't had the misfortune to wake up with a dodgy back.

I did find myself with a dubious hooker upon occasion, but the best ever was the openside flanker. I balked at the blindside flanker when I noticed the Adam's apple just before the scrum.

On 7/1/2025 at 10:42 PM, Lewie London said:

Woke up this morning feeling like I’d been run over by a bloody baht bus, back stiff as a seaman out on shore leave and neck creaking like a dodgy door. Happens every so often, so off I trundle to me usual traditional massage joint that opens early, the one tucked down that Buakhao side soi near the joint that does proper NY pizza by the slice. I pop in for a rub every fortnight religiously, whether I’m in bits or not, just to keep meself limber.

 

Me usual gal's named Lek, which always gives me a right chuckle ’cause she’s built like a rugby prop, nothing “small” about that big bird, but today she weren’t there. The receptionist suggests another bird named Noi. Now Noi is proper compact. But, I shrug and go with it anyway, reckon they’re all trained the same, even the little 40kg ones. 

 

As I’m getting settled, Noi asks if I want the same as usual and then leans in real close, sniffing me neck like she’s checking if I’m powdered up. I says, yeah love, but a bit unusual that sniff bit? 

 

No worries lads, we plod on. In I go, she gets cracking on me back, kneading out the knots, and I’m already feeling like a new Lewie. Then she flips me over to work on me front, like they normally do, a bit after midway into the gig, and I’m just drifting off with me gob hanging open, probably snoring. 

 

Next, she leans in and goes, “You Lewie, Lek customer?” I mumbles "yeah", eyes half shut. She smiles and says, “I know how Lek do for you, na. I give you same same ok, na.”

 

I’m thinking brilliant, she knows just how to sort me out with that front shoulder rub I like. Next thing I know, I feel something wet and fuzzy pressing down on me face. I open me eyes and she’s completely in the nip, doing the full gym floor splits across me cakehole like she’s auditioning for bloody Cirque du Soleil. 

 

Proper "bloody hell" moment, lads. I thought, well, yeah, it’s already on the menu, might as well tuck in. And fair play, no complaint about an unexpected face massage from the bearded walnut.

 

But I’m lying there afterwards scratching me noggin thinkin', since when did Lek give anyone this kind of “usual”? She’s never so much as gotten within 6” of me bell-end before, let alone dropped her giblets on me chops, followed by a bang-tidy tug.

 

As I paid up, I threw in a nice tip for the gal. God bless her private parts. Then I'm legging it out the door thinking next time someone asks if I want the “usual” then better to inquire what's on the menu first or I might get some ladyboy's meat and two veg parked across me arse or maybe a copper at the door slapping on the cuffs. 

 

As I'm makin' me escape, the receptionist leans over the counter with a grin bigger than a lottery winner and goes, “Good massage today, na?” like she’d been watching the whole bloody Lewie show on VHS reruns. Bet there’s a fekkin CCTV back there showing the shop minders who gets what behind them dodgy curtains. Thailand, eh? Never a quiet one.

..she’s built like a rugby prop?  Are you sure it is not a ladyboy?

11 hours ago, Scottie12 said:

Get a life.

Clever response.

Bravo.