Squeals and Straps: When Riding Shotgun Turns into Front-Row Seats to Absurdity

[Lewie London]

Got a call yesterday afternoon from Rupert again. Bloke’s voice cracklin’ with excitement like a kid on the mornin’ of the TT races. Turns out it’s gonna be his last night in Pattaya before he’s off back to Blighty until who knows when, and he wants to tick somethin’ off his bucket list; a proper soapy, two birds at once, the full sudsy experience he’s never dared try. Says he needs a wingman to tag along though, moral support like. I tells him straight, mate, I ain’t climbin’ in any tubs tonight, but I’ll ride shotgun if you like.

 

So we rock up to this soapy joint out on Second Road by the Big-C, you know the one, neon signs brighter than a UFO landing, giant fishbowl with two dozen tarts sittin’ behind glass like goldfish in gowns. Rupert’s eyes light up like he’s found Willy Wonka’s golden ticket. He points at two cuties sittin’ close together, then hands over a stack of big white notes to the gal in charge, and they’re off to the races before I’ve even had time to order meself a cold bevy.

 

Next thing, I’m sittin’ there in the lounge with a Coke and a big ol’ grin, watchin’ footy on the big telly, and lettin' the world go by. Few punters shufflin’ in and out, staff flittin’ about with cold neck towels, the usual soapy ballet. Then a couple of the jockeys who run the floor suddenly saunter over for a chinwag with the solo Londoner sittin’ by his lonesome. These are the blokes who mainly attempt to get punters to take the salad dodgers for go, those ones sufferin’ from involuntary celibacy. Proper friendly lads, laughin’ their arses off, practicin’ their English on me.

 

One thing leads to another and they start gigglin’ like naughty schoolboys, askin’ if Rupert’s me mate upstairs. I nod, tells ’em he’s treatin’ himself before headin’ back home. That’s when they drop the bomb. Turns out the two girls Rupert picked are a bit of a famous duo. Let’s just call them “Squeals and Straps.” One’s notorious for squealin’ like a piglet soon as the action starts, makin’ noises that could wake a dead soi dog. The other’s got a habit of whippin’ out a strap-on halfway through the business then havin’ a slash and takin’ punters for a spin that includes a golden splash in the eyes that they didn’t see comin’.

 

I near spit me Coke all over the floor. Rupert thinks he’s on cloud nine, two stunners all to himself, and he’s about to find himself in a stereo squeal session with a side order of peggin’ and a surprise rinse. And the best bit? He’ll probably never breathe a word about it to me when he debriefs me on the caper. He’ll just sit there starin’ into his drink, rememberin’ the night he tried to leave Pattaya with a bang but nearly left with a limp.

 

About an hour and a half later, Rupert staggers down lookin’ like he’s been chased through a steam room by a pack of angry Kimotos, hair stickin’ up, shirt clingin’ like clingfilm, eyes dartin’ about like he’s seen the end of days. He drops into the chair next to me, gaspin’ for breath, and croaks, “Mate… that was mental… but I’m not sure if I’m proud of it or if I need a shrink.” I just slid him over me Coke cause he looked proper trollied. I kept me poker face, and tried not to choke laughin’ as I pictured him squealin’ along with his new best mates upstairs.

 

Just another day in Land of the Smurfs, lads. Even when you’re not playin’, Pattaya finds a way to give you a memory that sends you home with a cheeky grin.

[short-Timer]

Last time I took two at a sudsy, it was like being stuck in a steamy room with Bob and Susan, lots of slippery action, zero happy ending, and a whole lot of awkward noise nobody asked for.

[Harrisfan]

Looks like people have given up Lewie.

[FolkGuitar]

Sorry I missed this when you posted it. July 4th weekend and all...

Thanks for keeping us so nicely entertained, both with your stories and the people who complain that they don't read them.  Some people would kick even if they were hanged with a brand new rope!
Keep up the good work, Lewie. It always makes for a fun read over breakfast!

[gargamon]

AI generated drivel.

[marin]

Is it possible to give Lewie a "fiction" forum to post up his stuff daily? To me its just silly and cliche ridden but some seem to enjoy. 

[FolkGuitar]

6 hours ago, marin said:

Is it possible to give Lewie a "fiction" forum to post up his stuff daily? To me its just silly and cliche ridden but some seem to enjoy. 

This is the Lounge. No need for a separate reading room.

Have you considered simply not reading them?
That way, they won't bother you, and those who enjoy them still can!

Just a thought.

[short-Timer]

19 hours ago, Harrisfan said:

Looks like people have given up Lewie.

Amazing you haven't given up. You've made 10,000 spam posts in the last week and every one has a thumbs down. 

[DezLez]

25 minutes ago, short-Timer said:

Amazing you haven't given up. You've made 10,000 spam posts in the last week and every one has a thumbs down. 

HF thinks that's a badge of honour!

[short-Timer]

10 hours ago, DezLez said:

HF thinks that's a badge of honour!

The reigning thumbs down resident champion of AN. Looks like it's on another forced holiday at the moment. So enjoy the quiet bliss for the moment. You would think it would learn by now that trolling doesn't pay. But it never learns. Maybe it likes that too.