Attending A Funeral

[thedude]

Just received news that the mother of a business associate has passed on. We'll be sending a wreath in my company's name but i will likely have to represent the company in turning up for the funeral.

I'm at a loss as to what to do since i have never attended a Thai funeral and am concerned that i might do the wrong thing or worse something offensive. Being from one of the well known Thai-Chinese families the funueral will no doubt be held in the most elaborate and sombre manner, and for me and my company it is important at this time to show the appropriate sympathy and support.

Would appreciate any serious advise from the old hands or any Thai members on here on what to do and what not to do, what to bring, or any other peculiarities that i would need to pay attention to. Thanks in advance.

[quiksilva]

Sorry to hear that, don't be surprised if it is not quite as sombre as you expected.

Obviously wear black, if its work related I will wear a suit (although not many Thais do, but some do and thats what counts).

Presumably you will have someone at the funeral to guide you through this as well, just copy and do as they do.

At some point you will be expected to pay your respects.

First off, you will have to kneel in front of the Buddha image and wai 3 times. In this gesture your forehead should touch the cushion in front, and the palms of the hand should open flat to the ground either side of your head. Once this is complete back away, keeping respectfully low, and move on to the departed's (usually highly decorated) casket.

Here find an incense stick and light it, and hold it between your hands in a wai. Once your prayers for the departed have been complete, place the stick in the holder and perform a single wai.

This time is different because you are paying respect to a person not the Buddha, so in addition to only doing one wai, your forehead should touch the cushion in front, but do not perform the open palm against the floor move, keep your hands in the wai position throughout the gesture.

After that follow everyone else, basically hold a Wai position whilst the monks chant. Enjoy the food and drink that is served up at the end.

Edited October 11, 2007 by quiksilva

[LeungKen]

Sorry to hear that, don't be surprised if it is not quite as sombre as you expected.

Obviously wear black, if its work related I will wear a suit (although not many Thais do, but some do and thats what counts).

Presumably you will have someone at the funeral to guide you through this as well, just copy and do as they do.

At some point you will be expected to pay your respects.

First off, you will have to kneel in front of the Buddha image and wai 3 times. In this gesture your forehead should touch the cushion in front, and the palms of the hand should open flat to the ground either side of your head. Once this is complete back away, keeping respectfully low, and move on to the departed's (usually highly decorated) casket.

Here find an incense stick and light it, and hold it between your hands in a wai. Once your prayers for the departed have been complete, place the stick in the holder and perform a single wai.

This time is different because you are paying respect to a person not the Buddha, so in addition to only doing one wai, your forehead should touch the cushion in front, but do not perform the open palm against the floor move, keep your hands in the wai position throughout the gesture.

After that follow everyone else, basically hold a Wai position whilst the monks chant. Enjoy the food and drink that is served up at the end.

Very nicely written quiksilva, I wished somebody like you had been around to explain it so sensibly as you have done here, when I went to my first funeral ceremony. I didn't however make a fool of myself, as the best advice is to observe what everyybody else is doing, then try and do a respectful and low-key version of it yourself.

[toptuan]

Sorry to hear that, don't be surprised if it is not quite as sombre as you expected.

Obviously wear black, if its work related I will wear a suit (although not many Thais do, but some do and thats what counts).

Presumably you will have someone at the funeral to guide you through this as well, just copy and do as they do.

At some point you will be expected to pay your respects.

First off, you will have to kneel in front of the Buddha image and wai 3 times. In this gesture your forehead should touch the cushion in front, and the palms of the hand should open flat to the ground either side of your head. Once this is complete back away, keeping respectfully low, and move on to the departed's (usually highly decorated) casket.

Here find an incense stick and light it, and hold it between your hands in a wai. Once your prayers for the departed have been complete, place the stick in the holder and perform a single wai.

This time is different because you are paying respect to a person not the Buddha, so in addition to only doing one wai, your forehead should touch the cushion in front, but do not perform the open palm against the floor move, keep your hands in the wai position throughout the gesture.

After that follow everyone else, basically hold a Wai position whilst the monks chant. Enjoy the food and drink that is served up at the end.

Don't get uptight about all this physical ceremonial stuff. If your friends know you are not Buddhist then likely they will not ask you to participate in the ritual as described above. They will realize your "foreign-ness" and will be appreciative of the fact that you even attended. For added detail and what you might expect, read about my first funeral experience in Thailand, with a respected member of the community much like whose funeral you'll be attending.

Rather than being uptight about what is usually a sensitive and emotionally-charged event in a western society, relax and treat this as a wonderful cultural learning experience--even an adventure. Like an earlier poster said, you'll probably be quite surprised at the more congenial, even warm atmosphere you'll probably experience here in Thailand. Most of all, your attendance will be so appreciated by your Thai acquaintances, and they will let you know it.

Edited October 11, 2007 by Totster
Link removed, see forum rules

[johna]

Good advise above but, are you sure the deceased is Buddhist ?

[thedude]

thanks very much quicksilva and toptuan for sharing your experience. is it mandatory to do the 3 wais to Buddha? can i just go stright to the casket and pay respects to the deceased? do i seek out the host first before i do this procedure or do i greet him only after this is done? thanks again.

[seonai]

Depending on how 'high' up the deseased is there may also be a ceremony of pouring water over his right hand. You will be invited to do this. The water contains lotus blossoms and is a way of blessing the dead person.

Then when the body is put in the fire the attendants line up, you too, and take a flower and some incense to place on the burning box - a single wai is also performed once you put the incense in.

Don't worry too much about the bowing on the cushion - observe what others are doing and try to relax.

Take a Thai colleague with you if poss to show you the routine

Best of luck

[RueFang]

Are you attending the funeral on your own? As Seonai said I would also recommend going with a Thai collegue or friend and just copy whatever they do. What Quiksilva says is the norm for Thais but as a farang you only need to do this if you feel comfortable with it, no one would expect it..lighting the incense and giving one normal wai while kneeling is sufficient and will be appreciated. Don't forget to give the host money in an envelope after you eat, before you leave.

[Iolare]

I recently had occasion to attend a memorial for a prominent Thai-Chinese businessman. This was in Phuket, and I understand that customs elsewhere may vary. The family had arranged for a one week period at a large Watt where every evening people could come to give condolences, and the funeral ceremony was held at the end of the week. I was there during the week, so it wasn’t the actual funeral, but the midweek attendance was very impressive. They even had parking attendants directing traffic.

This could have been the funeral of the year, I don’t know, but it was amazing to see the huge number of floral arrangements from fraternal organizations, banks, investment houses, schools and government agencies. People in attendance didn’t wear suits, but didn’t come in shorts and flip-flops either. My wife and I were among the few who were in dark colors. The tone was surprisingly upbeat., and seemed more like a 50th wedding celebration than a funeral.

Food was served and people seemed to be networking, including the sons of the deceased. Apparently, it is traditional to put some money in an envelope and give it to a member of the family, so my wife and I gave a couple hundred baht. We noticed many people used their company’s envelope, presumably as a way of showing the family who was giving the money. Buy the way, a doctor at our table had his money envelope stolen by one of the waitresses.

It seemed to me that this occasion was an opportunity for the people in the community to show respect to the family, and especially to the sons taking over, as well as to the deceased himself. A subdued good time was had by all and life goes on.

[Khnom]

My comments on previous answers, assuming the deceased was a buddhist:

• The bit about pouring water over hand...this is done only on the very first day of the funeral (it's called "Rodt Naam"). You won't have to participate if you go on later days.
  
• You don't wai 3 times - you "Kraab" 3 times (for pronunciation, note the 2 "a"). The description for the kraab that Quicksilva gave you is correct (it is not a normal wai). I'm only offering a minor correction on his wording.
  

I'd also like to give you some pointers here:

• The dress will be very formal. For the great majority of the men, it's black or dark charcoal grey suit. Even dark navy blue will make you stick out like a sore thumb. A white shirt and a very plain black tie (think Mormon missionary) to go with the suit. Skip the jacket if you don't already have a black suit.
  
• The seatings closest to the front (coffin side) are usually for the tribe elders ("Poo Yai"). You don't want to sit there anyway since it's the most somber and quiet area during the chant. I always sat in the "extended" area where seatings are outside the building. This is where you can talk more freely, go back for 2nd if you like the food, and check out the cute girls nearby (pardon my crudeness, but hey, life goes on, and this is what the living do
  
• The seating in the front is also for those the host respects (big bosses and the like). I always saw people deny these seating when offered. My guess is they're being humble.
  
• You may want to consider giving cash to the host to help with funeral expenses. It's given to one of the host immediate family members in an envelope. You may want to check with another Thai biz associate on the appropriate amount. Now, I don't recall people doing this years ago, but they are doing it now, at least in BKK area.
  
• It's OK to smile at a Thai funeral. Laughing is also OK if done with consideration.
  

Having said all that, I'm a Thai Thai, and not a Chinese Thai. I don't know the differences that may exist in funeral occastions. You should check with someone local.

Lastly, relax. Nobody will chastise you for not knowing all this complicated stuff. I think you will appear well prepped.

Hope this helps.