Bluffer's Guide To Capitalism

[Harry Palmer]

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with tax exemption for 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all 7 cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with 9 cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3 cows.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. News Limited buys them for an inflated price. They eat clover for months and produce nothing. Rupert gets pissed off at another of his children.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows, bit don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You count them and learn you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.