Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is

this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't

waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your

heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend

the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay

and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more

than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain?

Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy

vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended

daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled

wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even

more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is

one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular

exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No

Pain...Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable

oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be

bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around

the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You

should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!

It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have

had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the

grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well

preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - champagne in one hand

strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and

screaming -

WOO HOO! What a Ride!

Thanks for that advice Axel. I've printed it off, and will tell the bloody doctor to go to buggery.