FIVE STAY AT HOME AND WATCH THE TELLY

A council officer said, “We can’t risk somebody being hurt” Telegraph March 25

“I say,” said Julian, pluckily, “Let’s embark on a big adventure.”

“Rather”, said Dick joyfully, “I vote we sail to Kirrin Island and explore the shipwreck there. Who knows? It may contain smugglers’ treasure.”

“Good idea, Julian!” agreed Anne. “I can’t wait”, exclaimed George.

“Woof! Woof!” barked Timothy, their loveable scamp, covering George’s hands with licks. “I think Timothy agrees!” said Dick, and the four of them rolled around with laughter

“Make sure you scrub those hands of yours, George!” said George’s mother. “Or you’ll catch the latest life-threatening germ transported on dogs’ tongues from the Middle East and we’ll have to put you on a debilitating course of antibiotics! I heard about it on the Today programme.”

* * * * *

The next morning, the Famous Five awoke early, eager to embark on their big adventure. They planned to take the pony and trap to the water’s edge, then row over to the island at low tide. “Wizard,” said Dick.

The Five rushed out of Kirrin Cottage bubbling over with excitement.

“Don’t forget to tie your shoes up tight, children!” shouted George’s father after them. “In some areas of the country up to two percent of admissions to casualty are caused by people failing to tie their shoes up tight, sometimes resulting in hideously crippling injuries!” Having double-checked their laces, the children climbed into the trap.

“Has everybody got their High Factor Skin Protection Lotion on?” asked George’s mother. “After all, the sun might come out, and we don’t want you catching skin cancer now, do we?” “Yes, mother,” sighed George. “And are you wearing your protective clothing?” piped up George’s father. “An increasing number of children are allergic to grass! And watch out for flies, wasps, buttercups, cattle birds and life-threatening flowers! And don't fall into a cow-pat or you’ll go blind!”

* * * * *

Soon they were ready for off. Julian was saying “giddy-up” when a strange man appeared before them. “Halt,” he said, “Do you have a license for this pony and trap? And are you all over the age of 18? And I trust you are all in possession of the necessary government trap certificates?”

“Gosh,” said Julian, “Who are you?” “I am your local Health and Safety Officer”, said the man grudgingly. “And I advise you to alight from that vehicle.” From out of the blue, another man appeared alongside him, with a clipboard. “Who is the owner of this quadruped?” he barked.

“I think you mean Freckles the Pony!” exclaimed Julian proudly. “I am his master! And who are you?” “Animal Welfare,” replied the second man, showing a grand looking badge. “This quadruped is not suitable for passenger haulage…” “…. and constitutes a potential hazard to motor vehicles,” added a third man who, it turned out, was a senior figure in the Road Vehicles Inspectorate. At this point, Anne burst into tears.

“Oi! Oi! Text-book signs of potential child abuse!” observed a passing Health Visitor. “Tell us all about it, dear”. George sighed, “It looks like we’ll have to walk to the sea,” she exclaimed. “Woof! Woof!” agreed Timmy.

* * * * *

“Here we are, at last!” exclaimed Dick, who was the first to catch sight of the sea, just past the “DANGER: SEA” sign. “Gosh, what a lovely time we are going to have,” said George who was dressed exactly as a boy in jeans and a jersey.

George’s mother and father had registered her with the local child psychologist and George was responding well. Julian began to throw pebbles into the sea. “It’s such splendid fun,” he said. “But it’s against the Guidelines,” added the official from the Heritage Coastline. “Not only is this coast subject to erosion, but a passing fish could easily be injured by one of those stones. Don’t you kids realise you should never pick up a stone without a trained adult in attendance – it could have a sharp edge!”

The Five went off to the secret cave where they had hidden their boat the summer before. “I say, our cave’s been filled in with cement” said Dick. “This Information Board says that it’s all part of the Department of the Environment’s hugely successful Crackdown on Caves Initiative.”

“Oh well,” sighed George. “We could always make a camp fire and cook ourselves some bangers I suppose.” At that moment an alarm sounded, loud and clear. It was the local Fire Prevention Officer arriving in his van with his friend from the Uncooked Sausages Inspectorate.

* * *

So the Famous Five were forced to abandon their plans for a big adventure.

“We could always have a small adventure, I suppose,” sighed Anne despairingly.

“I know!” exclaimed Julian, “let’s all sit in front of the telly at home and eat fatty foods!” “Last one to grow clinically obese is a sissy,” added Dick excitedly.

Yas - bit different from the 1940s when I grew up - V1s and V2s were definitely hazardous to your health.

But having been bombed out in 1941, dug out of the ruins, I didn't really have any worries about snakes, wasps or other creepy crawlies. And my kids in Pattaya still have fun roaming the streets to visit friends, down to the beach, off to the market.

My only worry in school was that the opposing scrum might be bigger than ours.

But the above story is quite believable - Liverpool, right?

No, not Liverpool in particular, all of the UK!

An extract from 'Five go mad on mescaline' ..... with lashings of custard, and a bit of home made lemonade.

yowz!

It does seems to be getting more and more extreme. About 5 year ago I had to go on various courses in order to keep running a children's art club, (which I was happy to do), but some of the things expected seemed a bit ott. One course went into detail about risk assessments (which I had to do regularly), but i had no idea how much detail they expected me to put in. Detailed risk assessments for the room and for the activities. I understand putting in normal stuff such as: 3 steps potential hazard for child as may trip and fall onto linoleum floor and injure themselves. Then how to counteract this potential hazard and what to do if it happens. Fair enough. But having to put down details like: Paint brush potential hazard as child may accidentally poke brush into eye or other childs eye, or may decide to put in mouth, and other hazards like paper cut hazards just seemed a bit ridiculous to me to have to put down. I ended up nearly crying from restrained laughter at the sheer nuttiness of it.

Yes, it all makes you wonder just how the <deleted> did we all survive childhood?

And it's a good job WWII happened when it did. If it were today you'd have letters from the likes of "Sleepless of Maidenhead" to the Times complaining about nightime RAF bomber flights and the lack of sugar.

Yes, it all makes you wonder just how the <deleted> did we all survive childhood?

And it's a good job WWII happened when it did. If it were today you'd have letters from the likes of "Sleepless of Maidenhead" to the Times complaining about nightime RAF bomber flights and the lack of sugar.

Ya mean, sleeples because of "MAIDENHEAD"

........ ...........

Very good Suegha. I used to enjoy those books when i was a wee innocent lad.

Are you old enough to remember Billy Bunter?

"Yaroo" ejaculated the fat owl of the Remove.

When having intercourse meant having a conversation.

Unfortunately for some it till does... most of the time.

Very good Suegha. I used to enjoy those books when i was a wee innocent lad.

Preferred "Swallows and Amazons" until I degenerated to "Eagle" with Dan Dare and the Mekon of Mekonta (I think??)

When having intercourse meant having a conversation.

Here, having intercourse means having a negotiation.

Sorry it doesn't scan perfectly.

Very good Suegha. I used to enjoy those books when i was a wee innocent lad.

Preferred "Swallows and Amazons" until I degenerated to "Eagle" with Dan Dare and the Mekon of Mekonta (I think??)

Very good Suegha. I used to enjoy those books when i was a wee innocent lad.

Preferred "Swallows and Amazons" until I degenerated to "Eagle" with Dan Dare and the Mekon of Mekonta (I think??)

Yes, that's them.

But no animation in my day - unless you could do shadow-hands on the walls.

Very good Suegha. I used to enjoy those books when i was a wee innocent lad.

Preferred "Swallows and Amazons" until I degenerated to "Eagle" with Dan Dare and the Mekon of Mekonta (I think??)

Yes, that's them.

But no animation in my day - unless you could do shadow-hands on the walls.

Of the cave?

tlw cromagnon man

ahhhh dammit wrong thread again

I gave up my cave in Gondwanaland on the promise of moving to the new world for fun, excitement and wild times ........ still waiting.

I gave up my cave in Gondwanaland on the promise of moving to the new world for fun, excitement and wild times ........ still waiting.

Ummm gondwanaland and the subsequent great land of down under aka Oz the superior is already part of the new world - those dam_n French and German caves with their draughty layout is definitely old world - nice ambience but very dated compared to the modern bungalow cave to be found in places like Coober Pedy

I haven't stayed in this one but have in a couple of others around town

CB

Sleeping underground is a unique experience. Quiet, cool, dark and airy

How does that work then? ....... quiet, cool and dark is a given, but airy, <deleted> ...... not without some quite large pumping equipment it isn't.

Not a lot of people know that the original " Swallows and Amazons " was set in Pattaya !!

"Look" cried Biffa..................

"Way Heh", shouted Tim,

"yes" ...........explained Pongo excitedly...................................

" That one swallows and the other one with the Adam's Apples an Amazon !!!! "

OK I'll get my coat.

Not a lot of people know that the original " Swallows and Amazons " was set in Pattaya !!

"Look" cried Biffa..................

"Way Heh", shouted Tim,

"yes" ...........explained Pongo excitedly...................................

" That one swallows and the other one with the Adam's Apples an Amazon !!!! "

OK I'll get my coat.

Austin Reed is giving special discounts to registered Bedlam contributors

"Woof Woof" replied Spot the dog ( although he wasn't really a dog.........In fact he was a social worker from Penge with identity issues )

Not a lot of people know that the original " Swallows and Amazons " was set in Pattaya !!

"Look" cried Biffa..................

"Way Heh", shouted Tim,

"yes" ...........explained Pongo excitedly...................................

" That one swallows and the other one with the Adam's Apples an Amazon !!!! "

OK I'll get my coat.

"I say" said Lizzy,

" what a super name for a book. We could call it Swallows and Amazons and write about a boys and girls spiffing adventure in a short time hotel on Soi 6 " !!!!!!!

"Nooooooo" said Topper.

" we better set it in England, then we can talk about real dogs and barn-yard animals, without bring down the wrath of Thai Visa Mods. "

" Suuuuuuper " they all cried as they headed off to the chemist.

Ok ok enough now.

"Swallows and Amazons "

What a brilliant name for Soi 6 - inspired !

....another title in the series was "The Big Six' - I see there there is more to this.

I gave up my cave in Gondwanaland on the promise of moving to the new world for fun, excitement and wild times ........ still waiting.

Ummm gondwanaland and the subsequent great land of down under aka Oz the superior is already part of the new world - those dam_n French and German caves with their draughty layout is definitely old world - nice ambience but very dated compared to the modern bungalow cave to be found in places like Coober Pedy

I haven't stayed in this one but have in a couple of others around town

CB

I suppose that Coober Pedy would have made a good name for Pattaya.

I gave up my cave in Gondwanaland on the promise of moving to the new world for fun, excitement and wild times ........ still waiting.

Ummm gondwanaland and the subsequent great land of down under aka Oz the superior is already part of the new world - those dam_n French and German caves with their draughty layout is definitely old world - nice ambience but very dated compared to the modern bungalow cave to be found in places like Coober Pedy

I haven't stayed in this one but have in a couple of others around town

CB

I suppose that Coober Pedy would have made a good name for Pattaya.

This is the type of country where I grew up - 89,643 acres of saltbush and bluebush.

Beautiful but very harsh country. One of my forebears was an Afghan cameleer (actually from Rajastan but whatever) and his photograph is on the walls of the Innamincka pub - he took a full size grand piano from Pt Adelaide to Innamincka on the back of a bull camel.

CB

Why ?

Why ?

The story my Grandfather told me was that the owner of the Innaminka Hotel sent a message back to England "send wife" The lady who agreed requested a piano as a wedding present and he agreed. Said piano was shipped out and landed at Pt Adelaide. There was no way of transporting it other than by camel so it was loaded onto a bull camel who carried it the who way without being unloaded.

The piano was removed in the late 60's and taken back to Adelaide and was put into the house of the grandson of the cameleer. I went to school with his son and he gave me my first job in a bar.

CB

Sounds strangely like a film I watched in the 90's...

Aladdin was the eighties ?