What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The dirt bag is on the inside of the Hoover.

What's the difference between a wild stallion and a police horse?

A wild stallion has the dick underneath.

What is the difference between a Volvo and a Porcupine?

A Volvo has it's prick on the inside.

Years ago......actual billboard sing for Stornetta's Dairy in Northern Ca:

"Our cow's are outstanding in their field"

Girl says: Dad, I need the car tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: I gotta have the car, there's a big party tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: A famous musician supposed to be there.

Dad: I said no!

Girl: I gotta have the car, I'll do anything to get the car, I gotta go to this party!

Dad: Anything? Hmmmm.......give me a bj and you can have the car.

Girl: (shocked) Daaad...I'm your daughter!!!!!! How could you say such a thing!

Girl runs to her bedroom , throws herself on the bed crying. The phone rings.

Friend: You gotta get over here NOW, you won't BELIEVE who's at this party!

Girl runs to dad: Okay I'll do it, I gotta get to that party.

Girl on her knees, dad whips it out, she goes to work....stops.....spits: Daaad.....you're dick tastes like crap!

Dad: Oooooh, that's right, your brother has the car tonight.

Doctor calls a patient:

Doctor: You'd better sit down, I've got bad news and very bad news. According to the tests you've got 24 hours to live.

Patient: WHAAAT? 24 HOURS TO LIVE!!!!! WHAT NEWS COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT?

Doctor: I was gonna tell you yesterday but I forgot.

Girl says: Dad, I need the car tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: I gotta have the car, there's a big party tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: A famous musician supposed to be there.

Dad: I said no!

Girl: I gotta have the car, I'll do anything to get the car, I gotta go to this party!

Dad: Anything? Hmmmm.......give me a bj and you can have the car.

Girl: (shocked) Daaad...I'm your daughter!!!!!! How could you say such a thing!

Girl runs to her bedroom , throws herself on the bed crying. The phone rings.

Friend: You gotta get over here NOW, you won't BELIEVE who's at this party!

Girl runs to dad: Okay I'll do it, I gotta get to that party.

Girl on her knees, dad whips it out, she goes to work....stops.....spits: Daaad.....you're dick tastes like crap!

Dad: Oooooh, that's right, your brother has the car tonight.

That's foul! I mean really really OFF!!!

Why is six afraid of seven?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'Cuz seven eight nine!

Girl says: Dad, I need the car tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: I gotta have the car, there's a big party tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: A famous musician supposed to be there.

Dad: I said no!

Girl: I gotta have the car, I'll do anything to get the car, I gotta go to this party!

Dad: Anything? Hmmmm.......give me a bj and you can have the car.

Girl: (shocked) Daaad...I'm your daughter!!!!!! How could you say such a thing!

Girl runs to her bedroom , throws herself on the bed crying. The phone rings.

Friend: You gotta get over here NOW, you won't BELIEVE who's at this party!

Girl runs to dad: Okay I'll do it, I gotta get to that party.

Girl on her knees, dad whips it out, she goes to work....stops.....spits: Daaad.....you're dick tastes like crap!

Dad: Oooooh, that's right, your brother has the car tonight.

That's foul! I mean really really OFF!!!

That's punishment for your bouncing elephant, I've mistaken it for a bug and tried to squash it with my thumb at least ten times.

• 
  
  
  
  These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
  
  
  WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
  
  
  ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
  
  
  WITNESS: My name is Susan!
  
  
  ____________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
  
  
  WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
  
  
  ____________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
  
  
  WITNESS: Yes.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
  
  
  WITNESS: I forget.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
  
  
  ___________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
  
  
  WITNESS: We both do.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
  
  
  WITNESS: We do.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: You do?
  
  
  WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
  
  
  ____________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
  
  
  WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
  
  
  ____________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
  
  
  WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
  
  
  ___________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
  
  
  WITNESS: Are you *** me?
  
  
  _________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
  
  
  WITNESS: Yes.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
  
  
  WITNESS: None.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
  
  
  WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
  
  
  ____________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
  
  
  WITNESS: By death.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
  
  
  WITNESS: Take a guess.
  
  
  ____________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
  
  
  WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
  
  
  WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
  
  
  _____________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
  
  
  WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
  
  
  ______________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
  
  
  WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
  
  
  _________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
  
  
  WITNESS: Oral.
  
  
  _________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
  
  
  WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
  
  
  WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
  
  
  ____________________________________________
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
  
  
  WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
  
  
  ______________________________________
  
  
  And last:
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
  
  
  WITNESS: No.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
  
  
  WITNESS: No.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
  
  
  WITNESS: No.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
  
  
  WITNESS: No.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
  
  
  WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
  
  
  ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
  
  
  WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law right now in this very courtroom.

  
  

• 
  
  
  
  After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problem and document their repairs; pilots then review the sheets before the next flight.
  
  
  Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Following are some maintenance concerns by pilots and solutions by maintenance engineers:
  
  
  By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
  
  
  Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
  
  
  Mechanic: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
  
  
  P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
  
  
  M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
  
  
  P: Something loose in cockpit
  
  
  M: Something tightened in cockpit
  
  
  P: Dead bugs on windshield.
  
  
  M: Live bugs on back-order.
  
  
  P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
  
  
  M: Unable to reproduce this problem on the ground.
  
  
  P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
  
  
  M: Evidence removed.
  
  
  P: Radio volume unbelievably loud.
  
  
  M: Radio volume set to more believable level.
  
  
  P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
  
  
  M: That's what friction locks are for.
  
  
  P: Radar inoperative in OFF mode.
  
  
  M: Radar always inoperative in OFF mode.
  
  
  P: Suspected crack in windshield.
  
  
  M: Suspect you're right.
  
  
  P: Number 3 engine missing.
  
  
  M: Engine found on right wing after brief search
  
  
  P: Aircraft handles funny.
  
  
  M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
  My own addition: Funny handles replaced by serious handles.
  
  
  P: Target radar hums.
  
  
  M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
  
  
  P: Mouse in cockpit.
  
  
  M: Cat installed.
  
  
  P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
  
  
  M: Took hammer away from midget.

  
  

Warfie, this "Worst jokes ever" thread is a complete failure, most of this stuff is excellent. Thanks.

• 
  
  
  
  Here's a letter (paraphrased) from General Patton to his wife during the occupation of
  Germany.
  It took me a while to get the joke, but it is brilliant:

  
  

  Dear Bea,
  
  
  Today I made a surprise inspection of one of the companies in my command. I walked into the mess hall and noticed that all the soldiers had a fork in their blouse pockets. I asked one what the fork was for, and he told me "Well General, the Captain is a real stickler for hygene so he ordered us to carry a fork and when we want a slice of bread from the loaf on the table we have to use the fork and not our hands." I thought that was very interesting. Later I was walking around and noticed that all the men had a white string coming out of the zippers on their trousers. I asked a Private what the string was for and he said, "Well General, the Captain is a real stickler or hygene and he has us all tie a string to our willies so we don't have to touch it when we pee." I thought about it and asked, "But Private, how do you get it back in your trousers?" He looked left and right sheepishly and said, "I don't know about the other guys sir, but I use my fork."..............................

  
  

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.
  
  
  She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.
  
  
  She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"
  
  
  "A hundred dollars."
  
  
  "dam_n. All I've got is thirty."
  
  
  "Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
  
  
  "A handjob," Harry replies.
  
  
  She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.
  
  
  He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.
  
  
  She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."
  
  
  She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

  
  

• 
  
  
  
  A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.
  
  
  The bartender says:
  
  
  "Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"
  
  
  " Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading
  
  
  a canon it blew me hand clean off".
  
  
  "What about the eye-patch?".
  
  
  "I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped in me eye".
  
  
  "Well, that's not that bad..is it?"
  
  
  "It was the first day I got me hook".

  
  

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."
  
  
  Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshol_e, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.
  
  
  He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.
  
  
  He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
  
  

I know ladies in Isaan who would kill for a hair dryer like this .

I posted most of these jokes in another forum some years ago and am now copying and pasting here along with other posters good jokes. This one was from someone else.

• 
  
  
  
  I miss George Carlin, he is one of my all time favorite comics. Few people know that he was a standard standup comic until he started smoking weed in the sixties (about the same time as me.....interesting coincidence). He re-invented himself as the "Hippie Dippie Weatherman" and performed on "The Smother's Brothers Show" and other topically progressive comedy shows of the time. "Tomorrows high?......as soon as I wake up." If you don't know what "Toure de Force" means look it up in the dictionary......"Anything like George Carlin's MODERN MAN." If you've seen this watch it again, it never gets old. If you've never seen it......buckle your seat belts. You gotta see this. Here it is:
  
  
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNtRO3IrGg4

  
  

• 
  
  
  
  This guy walks into his favorite bar and see's a good buddy sitting there, he walks up and says "You won't believe what happened to me yesterday, I was walking by the railroad tracks and found a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and she came home with me and we had amazing sex, we did it in the kitchen, in the dining room in, in every room in the house all night long!
  
  
  His buddy says "Wow, that's an amazing story, was she good looking?"
  
  
  He says "I don't know, I never did find her head."

  
  

I know ladies in Isaan who would kill for a hair dryer like this .

Awesome! Tears rolling down my cheeks!

Ricey- all of these are great. Keep em coming!

Warfie, this "Worst jokes ever" thread is a complete failure, most of this stuff is excellent. Thanks.

Yeah but that's only because a'holes like you spoil it by posting jokes which are actually funny!

Keep up the good work!

Innit odd how the thread labelled "Worst Jokes" seems to be attracting some of the best?

Air Lingus flying over the alps:

Pilot to co pilot..."I didn't know goats could fly??"

Two gays talking in a bar:

So darling how was your safari in Africa?

Very exciting except for one day......

oh?

Yes, I was walking through the jungle and this great big hairy ape drops out of a tree onto my back and starts having sex with me.

Oh dear did he hurt you my sweet?

Hurt me! Hurt me!....he never even phones or writes

Warfie, this "Worst jokes ever" thread is a complete failure, most of this stuff is excellent. Thanks.

Yeah but that's only because a'holes like you spoil it by posting jokes which are actually funny!

Keep up the good work!

Innit odd how the thread labelled "Worst Jokes" seems to be attracting some of the best?

Must agree Warfie....Some of the worst jokes can certainly be the "best"....depends on how good the good jokes are...

two farangs talking in a Bangkok bar:

yes my wife is half Chinese hi so and has a doctorate...

she beautiful

she is an angel

really what a coincidence me too..

you are luckier than me though

why is that?

my bitch is still alive

Scene Canadian Tire hardware store service desk:

Newfie: this chain saw don't cut

Clerk: Oh really sir, give it here.....pulls starter cord

Newfie: AAAAAAH !!! what's that noise??

A group of retirees are on a bus trip when an old lady comes up to the driver and complains about being molested.

The driver wonders who would want to molest her, and so tells her to go back and sit down.

Later, another old woman approaches and complains about molestation, and the driver tells her to go back and sit.

A third old lady screams and so this time the driver goes to investigate.

He finds an old man on his hands and knees, and so he asks him what he's doing.

The old man says, "I'm trying to grab my toupee. Each time I grab it, it jumps and runs away screaming."

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache,

cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors,

and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "I hate quotations, just tell me what you know"