Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Posted

What is the difference between a Volvo and a Porcupine?

A Volvo has it's prick on the inside.

  • Like 2
Posted

Girl says: Dad, I need the car tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: I gotta have the car, there's a big party tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: A famous musician supposed to be there.

Dad: I said no!

Girl: I gotta have the car, I'll do anything to get the car, I gotta go to this party!

Dad: Anything? Hmmmm.......give me a bj and you can have the car.

Girl: (shocked) Daaad...I'm your daughter!!!!!! How could you say such a thing!

Girl runs to her bedroom , throws herself on the bed crying. The phone rings.

Friend: You gotta get over here NOW, you won't BELIEVE who's at this party!

Girl runs to dad: Okay I'll do it, I gotta get to that party.

Girl on her knees, dad whips it out, she goes to work....stops.....spits: Daaad.....you're dick tastes like crap!

Dad: Oooooh, that's right, your brother has the car tonight.

  • Like 1
Posted

Girl says: Dad, I need the car tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: I gotta have the car, there's a big party tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: A famous musician supposed to be there.

Dad: I said no!

Girl: I gotta have the car, I'll do anything to get the car, I gotta go to this party!

Dad: Anything? Hmmmm.......give me a bj and you can have the car.

Girl: (shocked) Daaad...I'm your daughter!!!!!! How could you say such a thing!

Girl runs to her bedroom , throws herself on the bed crying. The phone rings.

Friend: You gotta get over here NOW, you won't BELIEVE who's at this party!

Girl runs to dad: Okay I'll do it, I gotta get to that party.

Girl on her knees, dad whips it out, she goes to work....stops.....spits: Daaad.....you're dick tastes like crap!

Dad: Oooooh, that's right, your brother has the car tonight.

That's foul! I mean really really OFF!!! clap2.gif

Posted

Girl says: Dad, I need the car tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: I gotta have the car, there's a big party tonight.

Dad: No.

Girl: A famous musician supposed to be there.

Dad: I said no!

Girl: I gotta have the car, I'll do anything to get the car, I gotta go to this party!

Dad: Anything? Hmmmm.......give me a bj and you can have the car.

Girl: (shocked) Daaad...I'm your daughter!!!!!! How could you say such a thing!

Girl runs to her bedroom , throws herself on the bed crying. The phone rings.

Friend: You gotta get over here NOW, you won't BELIEVE who's at this party!

Girl runs to dad: Okay I'll do it, I gotta get to that party.

Girl on her knees, dad whips it out, she goes to work....stops.....spits: Daaad.....you're dick tastes like crap!

Dad: Oooooh, that's right, your brother has the car tonight.

That's foul! I mean really really OFF!!! clap2.gif

That's punishment for your bouncing elephant, I've mistaken it for a bug and tried to squash it with my thumb at least ten times.cheesy.gif

  • Like 2
Posted

Warfie, this "Worst jokes ever" thread is a complete failure, most of this stuff is excellent. Thanks.wai.gif




  • Here's a letter (paraphrased) from General Patton to his wife during the occupation of
    Germany.

    It took me a while to get the joke, but it is brilliant:


    Dear Bea,

    Today I made a surprise inspection of one of the companies in my command. I walked into the mess hall and noticed that all the soldiers had a fork in their blouse pockets. I asked one what the fork was for, and he told me "Well General, the Captain is a real stickler for hygene so he ordered us to carry a fork and when we want a slice of bread from the loaf on the table we have to use the fork and not our hands." I thought that was very interesting. Later I was walking around and noticed that all the men had a white string coming out of the zippers on their trousers. I asked a Private what the string was for and he said, "Well General, the Captain is a real stickler or hygene and he has us all tie a string to our willies so we don't have to touch it when we pee." I thought about it and asked, "But Private, how do you get it back in your trousers?" He looked left and right sheepishly and said, "I don't know about the other guys sir, but I use my fork."..............................


  • Like 2
Posted





  • Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

    She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

    She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

    "A hundred dollars."

    "dam_n. All I've got is thirty."

    "Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

    "A handjob," Harry replies.

    She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

    He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

    She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

    She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"


  • Like 2
Posted




  • A pirate goes into a bar and sits down.

    The bartender says:

    "Wow, you look like you've had a long life. Tell me about it. How did you get your wooden leg?"

    " Arrr.... me ship capsized and a shark bit me leg off. Then while loading

    a canon it blew me hand clean off".

    "What about the eye-patch?".

    "I happened to look up when a gull flying overhead crapped in me eye".

    "Well, that's not that bad..is it?"

    "It was the first day I got me hook".


  • Like 2
Posted (edited)






  • A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

    Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshol_e, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

    He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

    He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

Edited by riceyummm
  • Like 1
Posted

I posted most of these jokes in another forum some years ago and am now copying and pasting here along with other posters good jokes. This one was from someone else.whistling.gif




  • I miss George Carlin, he is one of my all time favorite comics. Few people know that he was a standard standup comic until he started smoking weed in the sixties (about the same time as me.....interesting coincidence). He re-invented himself as the "Hippie Dippie Weatherman" and performed on "The Smother's Brothers Show" and other topically progressive comedy shows of the time. "Tomorrows high?......as soon as I wake up." If you don't know what "Toure de Force" means look it up in the dictionary......"Anything like George Carlin's MODERN MAN." If you've seen this watch it again, it never gets old. If you've never seen it......buckle your seat belts. You gotta see this. Here it is:


Posted




  • This guy walks into his favorite bar and see's a good buddy sitting there, he walks up and says "You won't believe what happened to me yesterday, I was walking by the railroad tracks and found a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and she came home with me and we had amazing sex, we did it in the kitchen, in the dining room in, in every room in the house all night long!

    His buddy says "Wow, that's an amazing story, was she good looking?"

    He says "I don't know, I never did find her head."


Posted

I know ladies in Isaan who would kill for a hair dryer like thischeesy.gif .

gifs_01.gif

Awesome! Tears rolling down my cheeks!

Ricey- all of these are great. Keep em coming!

Posted

Warfie, this "Worst jokes ever" thread is a complete failure, most of this stuff is excellent. Thanks.wai.gif

Yeah but that's only because a'holes like you spoil it by posting jokes which are actually funny!

Keep up the good work! thumbsup.gif

Innit odd how the thread labelled "Worst Jokes" seems to be attracting some of the best? blink.png

Posted

Two gays talking in a bar:

So darling how was your safari in Africa?

Very exciting except for one day......

oh?

Yes, I was walking through the jungle and this great big hairy ape drops out of a tree onto my back and starts having sex with me.

Oh dear did he hurt you my sweet?

Hurt me! Hurt me!....he never even phones or writes

Posted

Warfie, this "Worst jokes ever" thread is a complete failure, most of this stuff is excellent. Thanks.wai.gif

Yeah but that's only because a'holes like you spoil it by posting jokes which are actually funny!

Keep up the good work! thumbsup.gif

Innit odd how the thread labelled "Worst Jokes" seems to be attracting some of the best? blink.png

Must agree Warfie....Some of the worst jokes can certainly be the "best"....depends on how good the good jokes are...whistling.gif

  • Like 2
Posted

two farangs talking in a Bangkok bar:

yes my wife is half Chinese hi so and has a doctorate...

she beautiful

she is an angel

really what a coincidence me too..

you are luckier than me though

why is that?

my bitch is still alive

  • Like 2
Posted

Scene Canadian Tire hardware store service desk:

Newfie: this chain saw don't cut

Clerk: Oh really sir, give it here.....pulls starter cord

Newfie: AAAAAAH !!! what's that noise??

Posted (edited)

A group of retirees are on a bus trip when an old lady comes up to the driver and complains about being molested.

The driver wonders who would want to molest her, and so tells her to go back and sit down.

Later, another old woman approaches and complains about molestation, and the driver tells her to go back and sit.

A third old lady screams and so this time the driver goes to investigate.

He finds an old man on his hands and knees, and so he asks him what he's doing.

The old man says, "I'm trying to grab my toupee. Each time I grab it, it jumps and runs away screaming."

Edited by kevjohn
  • Like 1
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.



  • Topics

  • Latest posts...

    1. 10

      Click on a topic- always goes to the last post

    2. 2

      Getting Old: Stoic About It or Endless Whinger?

    3. 10

      Click on a topic- always goes to the last post

    4. 12

      Thai worker abandoned in Israel after hospital discharge - video

    5. 6

      Climate Talks in Turmoil Over Fossil Fuel Debate and Financial Commitments

    6. 3

      Car Rental Trap

    7. 12

      Thai worker abandoned in Israel after hospital discharge - video

    8. 45

      Thailand vs Panama. Decisions Decisions!

  • Popular in The Pub


×
×
  • Create New...