I just finished reading the book discussed in the article from the OP.

The most pertinent part of the article in relation to the book I found to be this:

"Let's calm down about what this new book is saying. I think Gottlieb's fault is to use the term 'settling' when she talks about the man we choose because it has stirred up a hornets' nest of reaction.

I think, like thousands of wise matchmakers and probably our grandparents before us, she's just saying that if children and a conventional stable home are something you want, stop day-dreaming about being fought over by Colin Firth and Hugh Grant and start dealing with the real men in front of you."

I agree that using the word "settling" has led to a lot of misinterpretation about this book, especially by people that hadn't read it (myself included until I read it). To get across to the women it was truly aimed at though, it might have been a valid term to apply to get them to pay attention, which was her aim.

She is writing the book as an American living in LA. The book basically outlines the crazy pyschological state a lot of women (and probably men) in the USA seem to have gotten into (my interpretation). Very interesting to see inside the pychological make-up of the different people she talks to (and inside her own confused mind) in the book.

It also had a lot of discussion about marriage itself, as well as a lot of info about what makes marriages/long-term partnerships work, which I thought was great.

I would recomend it to anyone, even those married. Very interesting read. She states she didn't want a book with any bullet points, worksheets or pink hearts, and it is true to that. It is well structured, and just a great read about the information one woman came across from many sources while researching into the subject of marriage, dating and finding a partner for your life.

There is even a point made about Sex in the City the movie, that I was suprised I had missed myself when seeing the film (I must say I was also impressed by the deeper meanings to the tv series pointed out in the book "Everything I know I learned from TV - philosophy for the unrepentant couch potato", when dicussing the modern perceptions of happiness vs the Aristotlian view).

Coming from Australia where we never really used the word "date", it is very interesting to see the psychological outcomes of "dating culture" in this book. Where I came from, you just went out and hung out with someone. When you hung out more you kinda progressed to "seeing someone". The whole term "date" seems to put a lot more pressure on any interactions, almost like an interview or audition.

I am glad I never went down the ultimately unsatisfying roads outlined in the book, and from the posts here, most of the girls in this forum seem to have the same outlook as me, and that we were all happy within ourselves and didn't have such detailed lists of what we wanted our man to be, unlike the author.

If any of you seeing it lying around is definitely worth a read, and is quite entertaining in places. Is not often you read a non-fiction book these days where the author so readily admits to not knowing something and struggling to eliminate bad habits that have led to the predicament in question.

Now I shall happily go to sleep and dream of Collin Firth and Mr Redfish arguing over my finer qualities, possibly with a Bridget Jones style fight for some comic relief.

That whole article supposes that marriage, kids and family life are your ultimate goal as a woman. They are not mine, never have been. Not even a nice to have. I am extremely picky, and single. I'm single by choice, it's not a bad life at all. I don't wake up in the morning and think dam_n! I'm alone.

If someone comes along who floats by boat and it all works out, great. If not, there are things I find fulfilling in life. Some articles make it sound like kids are the only fulfillment for women and a life without them is a life half-lived. Not true at all.

That whole article supposes that marriage, kids and family life are your ultimate goal as a woman...

The article perhaps, but the book is targeted at people who want to understand dating habits, what makes a good marriage, satisying life, and how some people have preconceptions that may be leading them to make poor choices from substantially reduced available options based on thier preconditions. The book was written far better than the article was (as are most books vs internet articles these days I find).

Recommed the book just to see how crazy some people have gone in modern times over ridiculous little things, and how there are many bastions of sensibility and down to earth common sense still out there, even in the USA.

If you are like me and you sound like you are you will be intirugued and glad you didn't end up where the author of the book and many others did.

Good on you ClaritySeeker for knowing what can make you happy within yourself, is a great way to be (and I was too before Mr Redfish came along and crashed my contented party).

I found Jamil again after all these years!!! He's got a bit portly.

Oh honey, there is no such thing as a perfect man

Posted in error.

Sorry.

I found Jamil again after all these years!!! He's got a bit portly.

best post ever on Thai visa! (although perhaps off topic, but please leave it in!)

I wouldn't say portly - he has turned his hips into boiling water as they should be. As my old dance teacher used to say "a dancers body is like the ocean - you should see the ripples".

Good posts by Redfish and Clarityseeker. My younger sister never wanted children and has had an adventureish life. You can Google her... Leslie Forbes. She finally married the man she had been living with for 25 years, but only because she had to have an operation that she might not have survived.

The pop-country singer, Lace, sang a song that was appropriate to this topic...

I want a man

I don't want a man I can live with

I wan't a man that I can't live without.

You can't always live with the person you are most attracted to. But, if you can spend a little time with them for however long it lasts then be thankful.

I found Jamil again after all these years!!! He's got a bit portly.

best post ever on Thai visa! (although perhaps off topic, but please leave it in!)

I wouldn't say portly - he has turned his hips into boiling water as they should be. As my old dance teacher used to say "a dancers body is like the ocean - you should see the ripples".

He was much slimmer in the original one I posted about 500 years ago...

That whole article supposes that marriage, kids and family life are your ultimate goal as a woman. They are not mine, never have been. Not even a nice to have. I am extremely picky, and single. I'm single by choice, it's not a bad life at all. I don't wake up in the morning and think dam_n! I'm alone.

If someone comes along who floats by boat and it all works out, great. If not, there are things I find fulfilling in life. Some articles make it sound like kids are the only fulfillment for women and a life without them is a life half-lived. Not true at all.

Hear, hear!!! If I have one more person tell me that I'm "too picky" or whatever, why I'll... simply smile and explain to them, again, what ClaritySeeker says here.

Christ I am far from perfect, how inferior would I feel with the 'perfect partner'.....

My younger sister never wanted children and has had an adventureish life. You can Google her... Leslie Forbes.

I googled her - she rocks!

The pop-country singer, Lace, sang a song that was appropriate to this topic...

I want a man

I don't want a man I can live with

I wan't a man that I can't live without.

very apt, yet very romantic also : )

The book referenced some research done by someone somewhere the author talked to (it's been a while since I finished it so a bit vague on details) that says something like:

..research has found: that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of "incompatibility" or disagreement that they will never resolve.

Instead, successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life "around" them – to love in spite of their areas of difference, and to develop understanding and empathy for their partner's positions...

(I saved the above for my own reality check in my approaching marriage)

The basic underlying message (in the book) was that every relationship you will have there will be some things you wont be 100% agreed upon, so deal with it.

Ditching someone cause they aren't 100% what you want to find someone else will just give you a set of different things you dont see eye-eye on 100% (if you find someone else).

This was the authors problem as SHE wanted to settle down and have a husband, but she realised that by being to "discerning" - she was eliminating potential guys out of her life so early on in the piece she had no one left. The book is her experience examining what she and her friends were really doing, and the people she talked to along the way. Where the woman who wrote the article came from, I have no idea.

I liked it as there was a lot about marriage, and as someone who never thought they would get married, but is about to, it was interesting.

I can happiy say now that I can live with the fact that my fiance likes playstation and xbox (as long as he doesn't expect me to like it too - he can play it with his mates), but I can't live without his cute smile and funny little dance moves that make my heart melt - morning, noon and night. He is the one for me.

Hey you girls can't claim exclusive rights to wanting children and praying for the perfect partner. I finally got my wish aged 58. It really is so unfair you girls can't wait that long.

hehe

Hey you girls can't claim exclusive rights to wanting children and praying for the perfect partner. I finally got my wish aged 58. It really is so unfair you girls can't wait that long.

Called ovulating and hormones and I prefer animals. I am in the throes of menopause at the moment and, I can tell you, it is not fun. Pats is not a happy bunny wabbit.

But, if I could do my life again. I would have had kids, I tried and it didn't work.