Skip to content
View in the app

A better way to browse. Learn more.

Thailand News and Discussion Forum | ASEANNOW

A full-screen app on your home screen with push notifications, badges and more.

To install this app on iOS and iPadOS
  1. Tap the Share icon in Safari
  2. Scroll the menu and tap Add to Home Screen.
  3. Tap Add in the top-right corner.
To install this app on Android
  1. Tap the 3-dot menu (⋮) in the top-right corner of the browser.
  2. Tap Add to Home screen or Install app.
  3. Confirm by tapping Install.

Risque Jokes

Featured Replies

  • Author

An oldie but a goodie...

snoopy.jpg

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • Replies 220
  • Views 4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Groaner For The Day:

Ten thousand years ago, the first humans came to North America. They

crossed from Russia to Alaska. Actually, they hadn't intended to do

this. But they got lost and ...

...couldn't get their Berings Strait. :o

Pun Of The Day

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the

beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was

at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she

carried, except for one thing; she would approach people

who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively,

then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she

would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and

there would be a quick exchange of money and something she

carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated

calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they

just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have

you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom

boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and

our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out

what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost

hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk

to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and

met his wife at the road.

Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more

than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife

fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

"Do you mean...?"

"Yep!"

"She sells C cells by the sea shore ." :o

Boon, Don't out to that sunny beach or you might POP.

CORNY

My aunt's beloved cat Ginger had grown seriously overweight, so she decided to

take him to the vet to find out if there was anything wrong with him - and

more to the point, whether anything could be done about it.

So she put him into the kitty-carry box, and drove to the surgery.

The doc prescribed a course of pills, and my aunt left, happy in the knowledge

that Ginger would soon be his slim old self again.

But after a few weeks of taking the pills, there was no change: Ginger was as

fat as ever. Soon months had gone by, and still there was no difference. In

fact, if anything, it was getting worse.

The other problem was the invoices from the vet - these pills were costing a

fortune.

It soon became clear to us all that Ginger had become ...

Are you ready for this?

a doc-billed fatty-puss! :o

  • Author

The Mosstril 5000... :o

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Sorry about the caps people, it came like this in the e-mail and i'm not re-writing it :o

A GUY AND A GIRL MEET AT A BAR.

THEY GET ALONG SO WELL THAT THEY DECIDE TO GO TO THE GIRL'S PLACE. A FEW DRINKS LATER, THE GUY TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND THEN WASHES HIS

HANDS. HE THEN TAKES OFF HIS TROUSERS AND WASHES HIS HANDS AGAIN.

THE GIRL HAS BEEN WATCHING HIM AND SAYS, "YOU MUST BE A DENTIST."

THE GUY, SURPRISED, SAYS, "YES, HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?"

"EASY", SHE REPLIED, "YOU KEEP WASHING YOUR HANDS."

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND THEY MAKE LOVE.

AFTER THEY ARE DONE, THE GIRL SAYS, "YOU MUST BE A GOOD DENTIST."

THE GUY, NOW WITH A BOOSTED EGO, SAYS,

"SURE, I AM A GOOD DENTIST. HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?

"THE GIRL REPLIES...

"DIDN'T FEEL A THING".

Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used

to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up

and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.

Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now!

I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waist line

that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she

giggled...................

So I told her to fukc off.

A very pretty woman walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and orders 20 glasses of fosters.

the barman looks at her and says ok - proceeds to pour 20 glasses of fosters which the woman places on a tray and takes to a quiet coner of the bar.

at the end of the night the bartender is cleaning up and notices the woman has passed out in the corner.

He looks at her and thinks , ok why not and proceeds to give her a <deleted>. after he has finished his nefarious deed he picks her up takes her outside hails a passing taxi and sends her home.

the next day he is telling a few of his regulars the stoory of the previous night , when the woman comes back into the bar , heads over to the barman and askes for 20 glasses of fosters again. she takes the tray over to her quiet corner and starts to drink them.

well this time when the barman is closing up for the night , a few of the regulars ask if they can stay and participate in the evenings sport - the barman looks over and sees the woman has passed out - so he says , yes.

So after he has locked up they all have a go and when they have finished the barman takes he outside hails a passing taxi and sends her home.

the next evening they are all at the bar discussing and bragging of their sexual prowess when in comes the woman again - so the barman askes her if she would like 20 glasses of fosters again - to which she replies

no. make it 20 glasses of heinekin - that fosters gives me a sore <deleted>

:o

The Bet

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag

of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the

bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into

the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his

desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash,

so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash

around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your

balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win

that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not

square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money

involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a

witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got

very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror

checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no

way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared

with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to

the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls

are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to

drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old

lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess

you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head

against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hel_l's the

matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today,

I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand. :o

  • Author

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits, poor thing, and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Struth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Bluey to help us"

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Bluey said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples.

"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "not exactly a good time for that mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive!"

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • Author

Sean Connery, age 72 but still active, boasted on the Michael Parkinson show that he could still give a woman the time of her life at least 3 times a night.

After the show Cilla Black, another guest, spoke to Sean about proving his claim.

After the normal preliminaries they moved to Cilla's house and had a couple of drinks. Then the action moved upstairs.

After the first bout Cilla agreed that it had been the time of her life.

Sean however said 'I promised 3 times. If you will just let me sleep for half an hour we'll do it again and it will be even better'. Of course Cilla agreed but then Sean said 'There is one condition: you must hold my balls in your left hand and my John Thomas in your right hand while I sleep.'

30 minutes later he awoke and, true to his word, it was even better.

'Now my dear' he said 'let me sleep for an hour but there is one condition' 'I know' said Cilla who didn't believe it could be any better, 'you want me to hold your balls in my left hand and your tool in my right while you sleep.'

After the hour it happened. The earth moved, orchestras played and Cilla was in 7th heaven. 'I'd never have believed that holding your balls and your tool while you slept could get you so excited' cried Cilla.

'It doesn't' replied Sean, 'but the last time I slept with a scouser she stole my wallet.'

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Sorry about the caps people, it came like this in the e-mail and i'm not re-writing it :o

A GUY AND A GIRL MEET AT A BAR.

THEY GET ALONG SO WELL THAT THEY DECIDE TO GO TO THE GIRL'S PLACE. A FEW DRINKS LATER, THE GUY TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND THEN WASHES HIS

HANDS. HE THEN TAKES OFF HIS TROUSERS AND WASHES HIS HANDS AGAIN.

THE GIRL HAS BEEN WATCHING HIM AND SAYS, "YOU MUST BE A DENTIST."

THE GUY, SURPRISED, SAYS, "YES, HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?"

"EASY", SHE REPLIED, "YOU KEEP WASHING YOUR HANDS."

ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND THEY MAKE LOVE.

AFTER THEY ARE DONE, THE GIRL SAYS, "YOU MUST BE A GOOD DENTIST."

THE GUY, NOW WITH A BOOSTED EGO, SAYS,

"SURE, I AM A GOOD DENTIST. HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?

"THE GIRL REPLIES...

"DIDN'T FEEL A THING".

:D:D

there was a young vampire named mabel

who's periods where really quite stable

and every full moon

she'd get out a spoon

and drink herself under the table

:o

:D

Woman In A Coma

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses

were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her

private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the

monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough

there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a

little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The

husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his

wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no

pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What

happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked. :o

  • Author

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.

Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son.

They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears... "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay," says the mother, "I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Hillary And Janet

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks,

and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with

men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no

telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's

"politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off

unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"

"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster

all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can",

expressed Janet.

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary

slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would

be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was

ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most

disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?" :o

There is another version of this joke.

Jimmah Carter and Andrew Young were in the men's room taking a piss, when Jimmah asked him why black guys were more endowed than white guys in the manhood department.

"It's simple Mr. President. Right before we get into bed at night we whap it against a bed post."

Jimmah thought that was silly but he decided to give it a try.

That night right as he was getting into bed with his wife he whapped his little Jimmah against the bedpost.

Just then Rosalynn cried out, "Andy! Is that you? :D

Sister Mary Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."!

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today.

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here :o

Sister Mary Katherine

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."!

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today.

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here :D

:o excellent

Following his latest scandal, David Blunkett has released the following statement:

.... . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... .. . ... . ... .... . . .

.

..... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . .. . . .. .

.

...... ... . .... . ..... . . . . .... ... . . .... ....... . ...... .

.....

... . ...... ..... . ...... . . . ......... .. . . ..... . ........ ..

...... . ....... ...... .. . .... ... ....... .... .. ... ... ... . .

....

... . . ........ . . . ...... . . . ...... .. ... ..... .. ... .... ....

...

.. ... .. . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... .. . ... . ... .... .

. .

. ..... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . . . . .. .

.

...... ... . .... . ..... . . . . .... ... . . .... ....... .

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"

addressball.jpg

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many

kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, not so surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a Man goes

through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty

and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes! Dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many

kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes. You see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,"Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, not so surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a Man goes

through three phases.

In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty

and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes! Dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

:o Classic, maybe this should be put in the slate the old bloke thread :D

Bush Torches Paris!

When Bush began this silly little "War on Terror" of his, he promised it would make the world a better, safer place for everyone. Apparently, he forgot to include the peace-loving Muslim peoples in his "brave new world", for ever since 9/11 he's gone out of his way to make them feel uncomfortable. Routine genital-mocking at Abu-Ghraib.

Quran-mishandling at Gitmo. Random searches at airport security that are a slap in the face of every sweaty, middle-eastern businessman who just wants to relax and enjoy his last flight in this world without being harassed by infidels. Now, we learn that the CIA has been apprehending terrorist suspects and holding them in secret prisons all across Europe, where they are kept in small rooms with bad feng shui and forced to endure impromptu burlesque shows in complete violation of the Geneva Conventions. So is it really such a big surprise that the Muslim community has exploded with such rage against Western Civilization? Is it any wonder that the Religion of Peace is currently burning the City of Love to the ground?

Like some of our greatest democrat presidents, France has enjoyed a peaceful, collaborative relationship with governments and organizations that less civilized nations would call "sponsors of terrorism" or "the axis of evil". For decades, they've opened their borders to anyone, regardless of race, creed, or deep burning desire to kill infidels. Now a trusting friendship built on a solid foundation of appeasement and capitulation has been burnt to ashes, thanks to the Shrub's desperate urge to get back at the low down polecat that tried t' kill his pa.

But rest assured, Halliburton will be there when the smoke clears to help rebuild Paris. For a price, of course. :o

  • 2 months later...
  • Author

I've just been hunting around for an appropriate thread to put this one... :o

Michael Caine's Party

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a big Showbiz party in his swanky new house.

Everyone who's anyone is there - top stars from the worlds of movies and music, fashion and art.

There's a feast of pints, the best wines that money can buy, oysters, champagne.

Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar, Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing "Light My Fire" and, over in the corner, George Peppard's getting very pally with Sophia Loren.

All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored out of his skull, and wants to go home for an early night curled up with a good book. "Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "party's just got started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the 'how's yer father'?"

"Fair play," nods Jim [well that's not his exact words, but you get the gist], "as long as she does the rest of the band, too."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a young dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions in her ear.

Half an hour later, the young lass is just wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo Starr from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me, do you?".

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says, "What the hel_l!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work. Ringo's having a grand time, until, mere moments before the end, the door opens and Michael Caine bursts in.

He grabs the young one by the back of the hair and slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off..."

BTW, in a 2003 UK movie survey, Charlie Croker's line (Michael Caine in The Italian Job), "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!" was voted the most memorable line in any film.

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

  • 2 weeks later...
'It doesn't' replied Sean, 'but the last time I slept with a scouser she stole my wallet.'
All this time, having seen Scouser’s nick, I had been wondering what a Scouser was and now I finally looked it up: a Liverpudlian.

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke - 6ft 5 and 350lbs.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over towards the scouser he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar leaving him bruised and battered in the car park before returning to his seat.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says, "just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure," the big Scouser replies, "something about a job."

--------------

Maestro

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place

 

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Double Homicide

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You <deleted> bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You absolute bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a <deleted> hammer, he said he didn't have one."

Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it

Judaism: why does this shit always happen to us?

Atheism: I don't believe this shit

Create an account or sign in to comment

Recently Browsing 0

  • No registered users viewing this page.

Account

Navigation

Search

Search

Configure browser push notifications

Chrome (Android)
  1. Tap the lock icon next to the address bar.
  2. Tap Permissions → Notifications.
  3. Adjust your preference.
Chrome (Desktop)
  1. Click the padlock icon in the address bar.
  2. Select Site settings.
  3. Find Notifications and adjust your preference.