Little Drama Exploded Today... Need Advice

[Loz]

you should have a look at the thread on "Like or Love"...

Maybe you could contribute...

[chickenslegs]

OP - You are working hard and making sacrifices so that you will have a better future.

Yes, you are doing this for yourself - but also for your wife (and, in a way, her family too).

If she is not supporting you 100%, morally, physically and emotionally, she doesn't really deserve to benefit from your hard work and dedication.

I see many Thai couples who are working hard together to build their careers, businesses, or just put rice on the table - I'm sure you see them too. So there is no reason to think that Thai women have a predilection for greed, laziness, moodiness, etc.

You deserve better - and there are better women out there, who would understand that marriage is a partnership.

Just my 2 Satang worth - Good luck

[Thules]

OP.

Please consider these points as they are given constructively with no malice intended.

1) You are obviously a bright and particularly successful young man who has already invested more in business than many double your age might want to afford. Nevertheless you're feeling the financial strain as you see your funds dwindle without, as yet, a strong return. This factor may well have affected your otherwise cool and overall objectivity.

2) Your logic and reasonning on specific points is as impeccable as ever. Within your own realm, you can probably logically reduce many of us to the point of being mere dummies... and maybe, here lies your fate. Maybe, you are so adept in all your reasonning over the years that you've so cornered your wife, that her only escape route now is the one of divorce. In her mind. you win, and you win again, but who likes accepting losing all the time ?

3) You stand the "it's the principle game" over 590 baht/m, and indeed, I expect you'll win this battle also, but metaphorically, you'll lose the war.

If you love your wife, do as others have suggested and work around this temporary and frankly, minor issue. If you can kindly make her understand your mutual situation, rather than beat her to death with cold logic, you may well find her to be your staunchest ally, and greatest friend.

Seriously good luck to you and your family. Intellect isn't everything in life's contentment.

[Thakkar]

Maybe mum doesn't want 35 teenagers pissing about on internet games every day after school in her house?

I know what you mean about the 'i want a divorce' thing. That's the real issue isn't it?

I would let this particular issue die down, give the kid the laptop, let him deal with the internet issue.

Then you need to talk with your wife about the recurring threats of divorce.

You may not be aware of what mum is saying to her, the pressure from her family etc.

Pick your moment or moments, chip away at the main issue without it turning into another argument.

Don't let the stress of your new business leak into your marriage.

When she's angry she threatens divorce, it's a habit she has, that's the problem, not the laptop or the internet.

Good luck with everything.

Why all this tip-toeing? I don't know about others, but to me, divorce is a big <deleted> deal and one doesn't bandy the term about willy-nilly. Marriage vows need to mean something. Commitments made before marriage need to be backed up with actions, sacrifices and compromises to make a marriage work. Throwing the word 'divorce' around every time there's a tiff or disagreement is indicative of serious unaddressed underlying issues.

The next time she blurts 'divorce', walk away from the argument. Bring it up the next day saying that you still love her (if in fact you do), but if she really wants a divorce, you won't force her to remain with you. Tell her to think it over seriously for a few days and that you have to go on a business trip. Go to Pattaya and <deleted> your brains out. Return with clean pipes and a clear head (assuming you haven't fallen in love with a BG in the interim) and ask her politely, solemnly, lovingly to give you her decision. If she says 'yes', thank your lucky stars and get the hel_l out. If she says 'no' then your work has just begun.

Call me if you don't know where to find a prostitute in Pattaya.

[moe666]

A friend who moved back to Thailand after a few years in the States had the divorce problem for a while. The wife would threaten to leave and take off for a few days and then call and ask him to come and get her and he would. Then a few months later the same senario would play out. He finally had enough when she called the last time he told her you left without my help come back without my help and hung up the phone, she was back the next day and no further problem.

next time she say divorce and go to ofice send her along with promise to come in a few min. then donot show up when she gets back tell her the rain keep you from coming next time you go ok. learn to play the game.

My last trip girlfriend say maybe I cut you I say to her no I cut you picked her stuff up and put it out the door and saud there you go needless to say she stayed.

[Thules]

Excuse me guys, but what's being played out here is a game of attrition. I don't see it being a long term amicable resolution rather than one party or another holding a long term resentment that will eventually lead to grief... IMHO of course.

[IanForbes]

Never confront Thai lady.

Never try to use logic with lady of any nationality.

(yes, I know, we all forget ourselves and do it)

Don't offer money for the brothers, uncles, etc. NOT YOUR FAMILY.

If she is worth it, keep her, just forget the confrontation and she will forget it, don't maket the mistake and talk about it again.

If she isn't worth it, dump her, you will have to leave when she isn't paying attention (slip out the back Jack)

Highly unlikely she will divorce or leave you unless there is a large item of value she can nick on her way out. (car, house in her name, etc.)

Divorce is very hard and expensive without both people co-operating, it is also conidered 'poor show' for a Thai lady to leave her husband without a divorce and would cause her many difficulties in future life (for example she can't own land without your signature) Or to put it another way, she can't divorce you!

Let's all hope you weren't silly and can prove your business is not joint property but entirely funded by your money alone.You didn't let her go out and buy stuff for the business, did you?

Good advice by Sarahsbloke... Take it.

Gifts to anyone should have no strings attached. If the MIL doesn't want a internet for the boy then there is nothing you can do about it. Stick to what you can afford and don't try being controlling with gifts.

What you have living with you is a "paid" accomplice, or, call her whatever you want. Similar topics have been said so many times on this forum that it's getting boring; and that is the reason for the negative comments.

Most Thai women have more attachment to their immediate family than they do to their farang boyfriend or husband. As long as things are going smoothly then that is all they want. Trying to discuss a fact using western reasoning just doesn't work. I wish you the best with your business venture, but I wouldn't involve the girl friend.

[BOlopez]

you have spent over $270,000 of your own money in your start-up. $15,000 x 18 months =$270,000.

what on earth did you find so appealing about your wife? shes happy with 10 k baht a month.

financially you so far apart it doesnt make any sense....................and then she threaten divorce over 590 internet monthly bill.

since when do guys who can afford to invest over $270,000 in a start up deal with the typical northeast girls. i dont get it!

[dumball]

'BOlopez' timestamp='1284491611' post='3883596']

you have spent over $270,000 of your own money in your start-up. $15,000 x 18 months =$270,000.

what on earth did you find so appealing about your wife? shes happy with 10 k baht a month.

financially you so far apart it doesnt make any sense....................and then she threaten divorce over 590 internet monthly bill.

since when do guys who can afford to invest over $270,000 in a start up deal with the typical northeast girls. i dont get it!

It would appear he does not either , at least , not too often .

[Berkshire]

But seriously, it's not an Asian or Thai thing at all. Once you promise someone a gift and actually go ahead and buy said gift, then you should hand it over forthwith and graciously with no strings attached. You are not his father and have no string-attaching rights. You never promised the ADSL so you're not on hook for that. Why concern yourself with what happens after you hand over your promised gift?

This is actually good advice. Giving a gift (i.e., laptop) with strings attached (i.e., pay for ADSL) is really not that much of a gift. Something else to consider: good deeds do have a shelf life. That is, you can do your wife a good deed (i.e., buy her brother a lap top) and she will be appreciative. But if you keep bringing it up constantly, expecting her to feel guilty or indebted to you, it wears. Thai women don't like to be reminded that you're their knight in shining armor, that your money has given them more material wealth, where they'd be without you, blah blah blah. A lot of farangs seem to do this, expecting unrealistic gratitude showered on them daily. Ain't going to happen. If anything, your constant demands that she should be more appreciative and grateful is probably creating resentment, if not downright hatred.

[TheLaughingMan]

But seriously, it's not an Asian or Thai thing at all. Once you promise someone a gift and actually go ahead and buy said gift, then you should hand it over forthwith and graciously with no strings attached. You are not his father and have no string-attaching rights. You never promised the ADSL so you're not on hook for that. Why concern yourself with what happens after you hand over your promised gift?

This is actually good advice. Giving a gift (i.e., laptop) with strings attached (i.e., pay for ADSL) is really not that much of a gift. Something else to consider: good deeds do have a shelf life. That is, you can do your wife a good deed (i.e., buy her brother a lap top) and she will be appreciative. But if you keep bringing it up constantly, expecting her to feel guilty or indebted to you, it wears. Thai women don't like to be reminded that you're their knight in shining armor, that your money has given them more material wealth, where they'd be without you, blah blah blah. A lot of farangs seem to do this, expecting unrealistic gratitude showered on them daily. Ain't going to happen. If anything, your constant demands that she should be more appreciative and grateful is probably creating resentment, if not downright hatred.

PLEASE! She SHOULD be eternally grateful! If he doesn't cheat, doesnt abuse her, and works his ass off to support her she should TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD, not threaten divorce everytime she gets too proud. She is a farm girl, and she found a great man and totally takes it for granted. The op is a fool and so are all the apologists on this thread. He deserves someone waaaaaay better and if he was smart he would find someone that actually loved him and treated him well.

[StreetCowboy]

8>< SNIP NESTED QUOTES DELETED ><8

PLEASE! She SHOULD be eternally grateful! If he doesn't cheat, doesnt abuse her, and works his ass off to support her she should TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD, not threaten divorce everytime she gets too proud. She is a farm girl, and she found a great man and totally takes it for granted. The op is a fool and so are all the apologists on this thread. He deserves someone waaaaaay better and if he was smart he would find someone that actually loved him and treated him well.

Careful there - some people are a bit sarcasm-blind on this forum, and might take you seriously....

SC

[Berkshire]

But seriously, it's not an Asian or Thai thing at all. Once you promise someone a gift and actually go ahead and buy said gift, then you should hand it over forthwith and graciously with no strings attached. You are not his father and have no string-attaching rights. You never promised the ADSL so you're not on hook for that. Why concern yourself with what happens after you hand over your promised gift?

This is actually good advice. Giving a gift (i.e., laptop) with strings attached (i.e., pay for ADSL) is really not that much of a gift. Something else to consider: good deeds do have a shelf life. That is, you can do your wife a good deed (i.e., buy her brother a lap top) and she will be appreciative. But if you keep bringing it up constantly, expecting her to feel guilty or indebted to you, it wears. Thai women don't like to be reminded that you're their knight in shining armor, that your money has given them more material wealth, where they'd be without you, blah blah blah. A lot of farangs seem to do this, expecting unrealistic gratitude showered on them daily. Ain't going to happen. If anything, your constant demands that she should be more appreciative and grateful is probably creating resentment, if not downright hatred.

PLEASE! She SHOULD be eternally grateful! If he doesn't cheat, doesnt abuse her, and works his ass off to support her she should TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD, not threaten divorce everytime she gets too proud. She is a farm girl, and she found a great man and totally takes it for granted. The op is a fool and so are all the apologists on this thread. He deserves someone waaaaaay better and if he was smart he would find someone that actually loved him and treated him well.

My apologies. I mistakenly thought the OP was in a normal sort of relationship, i.e., EQUAL man and wife. I didn't realize it was a typical farang/Thai marriage where the farang brings the money and the peasant Thai girl should always be "eternally grateful" for this rare opportunity of actually having a happy life and must, therefore, kiss his hairy ass morning, noon, and night, every day until death do us part. Forgive me.

[BOlopez]

in thailand 2 equals gETTING  married is the ABNORMAL.   A MILLIONAIRE  farang marrying a  peasent is normal

[MrJohnson]

Am I missing something? You are shelling out $15K per month in a start-up? You are not making any money? Your wife is working and isn't asking you for money? You agreed to buy the laptop for the younger brother? And you are quibbling over B590 per month? So I guess it must be the principle of the thing? I just don't get it. This is leading to divorce? Maybe the stress of your start-up is clouding your judgement. You are hardly getting gouged over a laptop and B590 per month. In my humble opinion, of course.

[TheLaughingMan]

PLEASE! She SHOULD be eternally grateful! If he doesn't cheat, doesnt abuse her, and works his ass off to support her she should TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD, not threaten divorce everytime she gets too proud. She is a farm girl, and she found a great man and totally takes it for granted. The op is a fool and so are all the apologists on this thread. He deserves someone waaaaaay better and if he was smart he would find someone that actually loved him and treated him well.

My apologies. I mistakenly thought the OP was in a normal sort of relationship, i.e., EQUAL man and wife. I didn't realize it was a typical farang/Thai marriage where the farang brings the money and the peasant Thai girl should always be "eternally grateful" for this rare opportunity of actually having a happy life and must, therefore, kiss his hairy ass morning, noon, and night, every day until death do us part. Forgive me.

Equal?! Equal would be marrying a woman with a good education and strong work ethic who brought more to the relationship than sex and a bad attitude!!! There is no equal when a hard working rich man marries a farm girl with no ambition or will to better herself. Equal has absolutely nothing to do with this situation and SHE KNOWS IT. Get your head out of your western ideology, it has nothing to do with the reality of Thailand.

She is abusing him because HE LETS HER. The very same woman with someone like me that doesn't take any shit would be kissing my ass regularly for fear of losing me. Not the other way around.

[dumball]

'MrJohnson' timestamp='1284525776' post='3884203']

Am I missing something? You are shelling out $15K per month in a start-up? You are not making any money? Your wife is working and isn't asking you for money? You agreed to buy the laptop for the younger brother? And you are quibbling over B590 per month? So I guess it must be the principle of the thing? I just don't get it. This is leading to divorce? Maybe the stress of your start-up is clouding your judgement. You are hardly getting gouged over a laptop and B590 per month. In my humble opinion, of course.

My guess is that you and others on this thread ARE missing the point on the computer , if you merely throw money and gifts at poor people , they tend to quit whatever they were doing and expect even more of the same , he wants them to show at least a modicum of independance , not simply hold out thier hands for more of the same .

She is or was a poor person until the OP came along and should extend at least some gratitude , if only in as much as not complaining constantly and threatening divorce , she has much to loose and he has everything to gain if she goes . Too stupid and illogical to see his point of view as he is just a silly ATM macnine , he should get his ducks in a nice , neat row , then tell her only once that if she does this one more time , the door works only one way .

With his money and ambition , he should be with at least a lady who will work with him ( Work AAgggggg) instead of a coniving , complaining moron who appreciates very little of what she holds in her hand , other than his testacles .

[Hawkup2000]

Dont confuse the 15K with his money, the OP mentioned that its partly money from investors.

To the OP; no matter what you decide in this situation you will send signals to your wife what is ok and what is not.

Why are your wife pulling the divorce card? Because you have shown her that she can benefit for doing so and you let her get away with it.

Finally, reason and logic might work in mathematics and computer programming. Your wife is a human of female gender. In many cases they listen more to things based on feelings and emotions.

[somchai69]

Join the club.

[Thakkar]

8>< SNIP NESTED QUOTES DELETED ><8

PLEASE! She SHOULD be eternally grateful! If he doesn't cheat, doesnt abuse her, and works his ass off to support her she should TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD, not threaten divorce everytime she gets too proud. She is a farm girl, and she found a great man and totally takes it for granted. The op is a fool and so are all the apologists on this thread. He deserves someone waaaaaay better and if he was smart he would find someone that actually loved him and treated him well.

Careful there - some people are a bit sarcasm-blind on this forum, and might take you seriously....

SC

A double entendre par excellence. I can now retire from this thread with a smile on my face.

I have an idea for a whole new topic (thanks to The Laughing Man, who, presumably, is laughing all the way to his harem of appreciative ladies). Do foreigners marry Thai women out of the goodness of their hearts, to help a poor wretch out of her poverty, or do they just want a regular, compliant nubile young shag partner (cum maid cum cook cum nurse cum seamstress)? Discuss.

[dumball]

'Thakkar' timestamp='1284531101' post='3884369']

'StreetCowboy' timestamp='1284524329' post='3884129']

TheLaughingMan' timestamp='1284524195' post='3884125']

8>< SNIP NESTED QUOTES DELETED ><8

PLEASE! She SHOULD be eternally grateful! If he doesn't cheat, doesnt abuse her, and works his ass off to support her she should TREAT HIM LIKE A GOD, not threaten divorce everytime she gets too proud. She is a farm girl, and she found a great man and totally takes it for granted. The op is a fool and so are all the apologists on this thread. He deserves someone waaaaaay better and if he was smart he would find someone that actually loved him and treated him well.

Careful there - some people are a bit sarcasm-blind on this forum, and might take you seriously....

SC

A double entendre par excellence. I can now retire from this thread with a smile on my face.

I have an idea for a whole new topic (thanks to The Laughing Man, who, presumably, is laughing all the way to his harem of appreciative ladies). Do foreigners marry Thai women out of the goodness of their hearts, to help a poor wretch out of her poverty, or do they just want a regular, compliant nubile young shag partner (cum maid cum cook cum nurse cum seamstress)? Discuss.

There is most likely space for just such a topic as long as posters remain honest , I feel the most prevelant requirement would be the multiple cums you have used for all of your suggestions on placement requirements , LOL

[TheLaughingMan]

My guess is that you and others on this thread ARE missing the point on the computer , if you merely throw money and gifts at poor people , they tend to quit whatever they were doing and expect even more of the same , he wants them to show at least a modicum of independance , not simply hold out thier hands for more of the same .

She is or was a poor person until the OP came along and should extend at least some gratitude , if only in as much as not complaining constantly and threatening divorce , she has much to loose and he has everything to gain if she goes . Too stupid and illogical to see his point of view as he is just a silly ATM macnine , he should get his ducks in a nice , neat row , then tell her only once that if she does this one more time , the door works only one way .

With his money and ambition , he should be with at least a lady who will work with him ( Work AAgggggg) instead of a coniving , complaining moron who appreciates very little of what she holds in her hand , other than his testacles .

Thankyou!! Finally an intelligent post. Better than mine!

[spolsky]

** UPDATE FROM THE OP **

Alright, yesterday I decided not to play her game and run to her trying to talk her out of the divorce like I always end up doing. She ignored me most of last night and worked on her laptop in another room to not be together with me.

Today she went to work at the office instead of working with me from home as usual. I called her this afternoon because I had to talk to her about something else, and casually asked her:

Me> So what's up with us?

Her> What do you mean?

Me> Well you said yesterday you wanted a divorce and that you were done

Her> I don't know

Me> Alright, just let me know

Her> Hmph...

Me> I'm sorry that I yelled yesterday, but I stand by what I said regardless

Her> You don't like my mom?

Me> What? I just asked for the real reason why she hadn't followed through with ordering the internet in two months

Her> *yelling at me on the phone in the corridor of the office about I'm tired of this and that ... babbles non-sense*

Me> *very calm and cool attitude* It's okay hon, take the laptop and send it to your brother. This is the last time that I help anyone in your family. It always ends up with drama and ungratefulness

Her> Hmph...

I must also mention that I've helped her mom on some other occasions. Each time it didn't end up well. Loans not being repaid which I ended up just "giving" the money away to avoid drama and stress among other things. I don't know why I thought this time would be different.

I understand the culture behind the children sending money home to mom because there are no state pensions here, etc. What irritates me the most is that her mom stays home and doesn't work even thought she's only 45 years old. Since I married my wife the MIL just stays home collecting the money my wife sends her every month and makes no efforts whatsoever to earn a living. She says that she would have to go out of the village to find jobs and that she doesn't want to live grand-ma alone.

What's hilarious is that when we spent 5 months last year in my home country, the MIL jumped on the occasion to come live in my house for free with and benefit from my live-in maid, free food and comfortable lifestyle for 5 months. But she wouldn't spend 5 months away though to go earn a living somewhere.

So what's next you may ask? Well, I've got some travels coming up soon. Instead of bringing my wife along as I always do, I will leave her home for a while. I think it will give us both a break and I will see things more clearly and will make it easier for me to make a decision either way.

[Wallaby]

Good man. Either she will see the light.....or you will. Good luck.

[TheLaughingMan]

Dude you are WAY to nice and too good a catch to be tolerating this bullshit. You wont listen but if you got out now you could find someone that made you happy within the year. Im just shaking my head... what the fuc_k made you marry a poor girl like that anyway, those kinds of girls are for OLD MEN that must marry girls like that, not for young hard working nice guys!! Next time marry someone similar to you! Not the first pretty farm face that comes along... Get a girl with education and maybe even comes from a good family. Theres TONS of them.

[473geo]

Sounds like there has been a bit of a build up of minor irritations. Not easy to settle in another country without your group of friends and family to turn to and dismiss the aggravating smaller issues before they are blown out of proportion. Your drive to succeed, the undoubted associated frustrations may well also add a little fuel to the fire. I can only advise that you take the lead.....you do not ask about finances, you make the decisions. Tell her how it is going to be, drop her salary by 1k a month to pay for the internet if you must, let her know where finances are concerned you are the boss. Do not make statements like "Your family will get no more from me".....when/if shemakes a request tell her you cannot afford the money because you need it for the business, learn to say no,(Good advice from a friend of mine) . Remember if you are not in control of finances......nobody is!!!!

[sarahsbloke]

You are still making a major mistake.

Never discuss anything negative that happened yesterday with you lady, gone and forgotten. Forget the internet, they ain't gonna pay for it (and I could have told you that before you made your 1st post). Forget standing by what you said (or at least don't tell her you are standing by what you said)

Your conversation should have been

Me> Hey baby, how is everything?

Her> What do you mean?

Me> I dunno ......... just missing you

Her> I miss you too

Me> Talking to you makes me feel really horny

Her> OK, I come home now

............

Now wasn't that a more satisfying conversation?

(for maximum effect you shoud be speaking to her in Thai, or were you speaking in Thai, do you speak Thai?)

I think I have previously stated, I don't give any money to my wife, but I do pay the MIL 3000bht a month into her bank account. MIL tells wife to do whatever I want. Don't give money to the monkey, give it to the organ grinder! (OK, so that was a little bit unkind) But of course, once you give money, you can never give less (with that woman anyway)

@432geo

Your advice would lead to confrontation and unhappiness

Edited September 15, 2010 by sarahsbloke

[welsh1]

To everyone who is asking why lose your wife for 590 baht / month? I mean my problem is more with the divorce threats that stems from squabble. I frankly can't take it anymore. Too often I will endure her non-sense by fear that arguing will result with her acting like a child and I just don't want to spoil my evening.

Ditch her dude and go solo. What do you want people to say to you? Seriously, lifes too short.

I don't know, I guess hearing people with similar stories kind of comforts me. It's dumb, I know, but that's how I feel right now. I guess I just need to grow some and go through with it. While I can take lots of risks and make changes and decisions all the time in my professional career... this for some reasons is hard... even if I know that the relationship is bad for me.

was in the same boat as you mate..ditched the misses and the rest of her brain dead family..there is only so many brick walls you can face

I was solo for a long time playing the field going out and having fun and most of all being happy..which is why i came to live in Thailand in the first place, but my previous wife and her family's day to day problems seemed to be sucking away at that happiness . so i decided to walk away and i got a divorce

Then i met a lovely lady and we have been together for nearly 1 year now not only are things looking good but i am a lot happier.

But like the op says ..life is to short and life should be spent being happy ..not arguing and being miserable nearly every day

[473geo]

or

Me> Hey baby how is everything

Her> fuc_k you...why you call

Me> I dunno......just missing you

Her> fuc_k you

Me> Talking to you makes me feel really horny

Her> No fuc_k you.....you not like my mama

But the advice is good to forget any prior disagreements you just move on and put your fixes in place

[spolsky]

You are still making a major mistake.

Never discuss anything negative that happened yesterday with you lady, gone and forgotten. Forget the internet, they ain't gonna pay for it (and I could have told you that before you made your 1st post). Forget standing by what you said (or at least don't tell her you are standing by what you said)

Your conversation should have been

Me> Hey baby, how is everything?

Her> What do you mean?

Me> I dunno ......... just missing you

Her> I miss you too

Me> Talking to you makes me feel really horny

Her> OK, I come home now

............

Now wasn't that a more satisfying conversation?

(for maximum effect you shoud be speaking to her in Thai, or were you speaking in Thai, do you speak Thai?)

I think I have previously stated, I don't give any money to my wife, but I do pay the MIL 3000bht a month into her bank account. MIL tells wife to do whatever I want. Don't give money to the monkey, give it to the organ grinder! (OK, so that was a little bit unkind) But of course, once you give money, you can never give less (with that woman anyway)

@432geo

Your advice would lead to confrontation and unhappiness

hahaha I can't stop laughing. Very interesting too on the organ grinder. It does feel like that, doesn't it?