UK broadband speeds drop by an average of 35% from their off-peak highs as soon as men can be sure their spouse is sleeping soundly, according to a report today.

The slot between midnight and 1am was found to be the slowest time to be online, the report concluded, as during this hour the internet was creaking under a heavy burden of filth.

Broadband experts suggested the best time to be online was between 2am and 3am as by that time most people will have finished themselves off and are sat hunched up in the spare room in a fit of self-loathing.

The survey found that speeds decrease significantly towards the ‘wanking hour’ with men preparing the groundwork for a masturbatory marathon by pretending they want to download a BBC4 documentary on renaissance art on the BBC iPlayer.

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Ah, you're becoming too predictable, Boater. As I was reading the article (elsewhere), I was thinking that it's odds on that Boater will post this in Bedders...