Why Is It So Difficult To Find A Good Friend In Thailand

[samran]

^ Excellent post Guesthouse. Every aspect sums up how I feel very well. I've got a couple of expats friends ( one Danish and one Kiwi ) who I do truly consider friends. Blokes like me who just enjoy a good laugh and a chat together about once a week. To be brutally honest I can't be bothered to sort the wheat from the large pile of chaff that seems to account for a large number of expats in Thailand. If by doing so I miss out on the chance to come across somebody who could be a good friend then so be it. I don't crave western company that much. My family visit me twice a year and at least one group of my old pals from back home ( true mates for many years ) pop up every few months or so. That'll do me.

I never watched Seinfeld, but I was told there was an episode once all about him having enough friends and not wanting any more. That has happened to me over time.

Having said that, my wife and I did meet new friends in BKK...mainly through things like sport, work and then later, babies and school. But it is organic, and the best success occurs when you don't go searching for friends, and in any case, people with similar interests tend to gravitate towards each other.

To the OP...I don't know where you are, but it sounds isolating. Perhaps there are local sporting teams that you can join? What are your interests/hobbies etc....Search out these groups.

[Ulysses G.]

The truth is that if you are OK with all the people you come across, then you will find out in time who to avoid and who to get pally with and you can filter out the undesirables...

Making friends is more about you than others.

[CharlieH]

Last time I had a "chat" or spoke English and had a proper conversation was last October ! and I dont speak Thai.

Never been a drinker so dont frequent bars or feel a need to "go for a drink".

There are Expats around the area but they are Europeans, usually short stay holiday etc. no long term that I know of.

[overherebc]

Outside of work I have one expat friend in Thailand, he and his wife live 10 hours drive away so while we regularly chat on the phone we actually only meet two or three times a year, but these visits are enjoyable and I enjoy good company and good conversation.

A frequent discusion we have had relates to making friendships with other expats, we've both experienced and agree that too often expats have a bag of problems they are carrying around that they are only too willing to bring to your door - and dump it there if they have a chance.

Some guy failing the six M's test in the bar (Misfit, Malcontent, Misanthrope, Misogynist, or Mental Midget), or even here on TV is one thing, doing so in your own living room is something completely different.

And there is the inevitable petty jealousies and/or expectation that someone deserves a job.

About a year back my wife and I were staying with the friend I mentioned, we'd had a very enjoyable 3 days together. Just as we were about to leave a car pulled up, three foreigners got out, one a friend of my pals, one a visitor from the UK and the other a guy who lives in the town who but who my pal had never met. The purpose of their visit to say hello and introduce this new guy in town.

We were enjoying a chat, or all of us but the new guy was enjoying a chat - He interjected with three questions directed at me, each spaced by about five minutes. So you work here?.... five minutes later..... Who do you work for?..... five minutes later.... So you're on a full expat deal?

I had not even half answered the last question when he launched into a foul language tirade and had to be man handled out of the house.

OK that's extreme, but honestly, my expectation is that if having a drink with expats (for example invited to a party or to a do at a bar/restaurant) the whole evening is too often an prelude to the playing the game "Wait until the first guy leaves and then annihilate his name/character with a stream of petty jealously driven remarks.

I find my Thai friends much better company - but then they're not running away from anything.

The last part of your post sums up exactly why I gave up years ago talking to these guys. Thailand seems to get most of the ones who for some unknown reason take themselves so seriously, to the point where they somehow have lost, or never had in the first place that little thing called a sense of humor.

[Soutpeel]

I remember somewhere that after a certain age in life, one would expect only to have 4 real friends in your life.

I think specifically in case of Thailand, the problem here is that there are far too many d*ckheads running around with chips on their shoulders or "damaged" mentally in one way or another or are complete Walter Mitty's

I proberly have two real friends who I could trust outside the work enviroment and possibly 3 who became friend within the work envioment

[NanLaew]

When pressed, the OP vaguely states 'the sticks' so appears quite happy to erect his own barriers to finding buddies even via this medium.

For example, had he said that like me, he is near Nong O outside Nongwuaso, I would have PM'd him with an invite to pop 'over the mountain' to Nong Bua Lamphu on Saturday afternoon and hang with Canuck Eddie who is promising treats from the new BBQ that his wife got him for his birthday (about time Eddie, eh?).

Hope it doesn't rain!

[Darrel]

..... farang .... piss head and irresponsible ...... a complete knob..... an absolute addict ...... Another 2 'friends' feel the need to bullshit all the time about their financial situation and how their life exceeds mine.

These people are within 4 km of me.

You should move to Pattaya or Phuket or Chiang Mai.

This will save you a lot of time as there you wont need to go more than about 4 metres to find a knob, piss head, addict, wanke_r, bullshitter etc.

And if you're really lucky in Pattaya you might even meet a real estate agent or a crooked lawyer or a sleazy media mogul.

[mjj]

Guesthouse, I dont get why the guy launched into a tirade against you. I might just be being thick, but the 3 questions he asked seem quite normal, or am I abnormal. Anyway anyone want to fill me in?

Regarding the op, I think that expats are are funny bunch. Many will completely blank me as I say hello or pretend they didnt here. I have a running joke with my wife that whenever we see a farang and he sees me that he will look at the floor immediately. Are they all international criminals. At this point I must point out that I dont live in an area with lots of farang. One guy was even behind me in the queue in Tesco's and ignored me and looked at everything he could, except my way. Maybe I'm scary looking or such an arsehol_e that people know not to talk to me.

Many farang I've met like to turn every conversation into a pissing contest. One guy would always tell me whatever I bought was shit and that his was the best........and I mean everything fridge, sofa, car, even said to me, 'my wife speaks better english than yours'.

I wonder why so many farang see each other as direct competition??

[phutoie2]

Many farang I've met like to turn every conversation into a pissing contest. One guy would always tell me whatever I bought was shit and that his was the best........and I mean everything fridge, sofa, car, even said to me, 'my wife speaks better english than yours'.

At first I thought the OP was talking about farangs in my own Moo. I refer to the above types as "Mr Thailand's" now, always going on about where to find the best strimmer/water pump/restaurants etc.

Driving to the golf club a few days back quite early in the morning and we passed a recently opened cash & carry supermarket, the car park was empty and the shops shutters were all down.

One of our group said " I knew that would not last - crap place"

Me - "Jim, it opens at 9 o'clock"

[wana]

Guesthouse, I dont get why the guy launched into a tirade against you. I might just be being thick, but the 3 questions he asked seem quite normal, or am I abnormal. Anyway anyone want to fill me in?

its not polite to start asking questions about someones salary,lifes ,"full ex-pat deal" etc within a minute of meeting them

its might be fine in thailand for thai people to ask ,NAME AGE ,OCCUPATION ,SALARY ?

but in most countries ,only a <deleted> would ask a complete stranger questions about his financial situation

[Naam]

Hi, yes, thanks. I have my garden, so that kills a lot of time for me. But its just sometimes, its nice to have a beer and talk.

get a dog. they make best friends and like when they are talked to. i'm not joking!

[mjj]

Isnt it normal to ask people their name and occupation?

Sure, I would never ask someone about their finances, but to ask if they get a full expat deal is ok in my book. I agree the guy might have become too familiar so quickly and lack some tack and social skills, but that doesnt answer why he got so aggrevated.

[GreenSnapper]

its not polite to start asking questions about someones salary,lifes ,"full ex-pat deal" etc within a minute of meeting them

its might be fine in thailand for thai people to ask ,NAME AGE ,OCCUPATION ,SALARY ?

Whenever I meet someone who brags about that he is on a "full expat package", I respond: "yes, depressing poverty lasts in Asia where some people over 40 still have to work for a living".

That normally shuts them up.

[samsiam]

We only have some beers until his wife says he cant have anymore and its time for bed.

hmpf......you think my wife tells you when i have had enough beer and I have to go to bed....we just wanna get rid of you so we can shag.

[Naam]

learn to be self sufficient....I am sometimes for a week or 2 in the south in my wifes house complete alone (she is in BKK) I have some repair work to do.

No communication with anyone, not leaving the house.....no problem

nearing 9000 posts and no contact with anyone .......

what about nearing 18,000 posts and no steady local contacts?

[Naam]

We only have some beers until his wife says he cant have anymore and its time for bed.

hmpf......you think my wife tells you when i have had enough beer and I have to go to bed....we just wanna get rid of you so we can shag.

Confucius says: "a shag in a shack might be a dangerously shaky undertaking."

[WinnieTheKhwai]

It seems the premise and assumption in the OP is that only Westerners qualify as potential good friends? I was actually wondering reading it if he was speaking of local Thai people, but I guess it became clear by the end of the post he was talking Farangs-only.

Either way: yes, that's pretty normal. To the point that I'm really not looking to be overly chatty with unknown farang individuals. Though occasionally you do meet a sane one. ( And then very rarely you meet a sane one who isn't boring you to tears. )

[Caliguy]

3 reasons.

1. Anti-Social Disorder

2. Depression

3. Delusions of Grandeur

I can tell you right now that those three reasons are why you haven't found a friend here.

[wana]

its not polite to start asking questions about someones salary,lifes ,"full ex-pat deal" etc within a minute of meeting them

its might be fine in thailand for thai people to ask ,NAME AGE ,OCCUPATION ,SALARY ?

Whenever I meet someone who brags about that he is on a "full expat package", I respond: "yes, depressing poverty lasts in Asia where some people over 40 still have to work for a living".

That normally shuts them up.

im on my own "package " and im very happy with the salary i pay myself but anyway .........i know a 1 person on

a full expat deal that include a free Mercedes ,100k a month for rent and a whopping big salary on top of that

(head hunted by a large bank to come to thailand )

in a poor country like thailand , its understandble people dont wanna go around bragging about their deal in the company of thais who can only earn a few thousand baht per month and other expats on miserable pensions

[elwood]

As for speaking Thai, that really does not improve your situation IMHO. You simply have zero in common and trying to have a discussion proves to be challenging and actually adds frustration.

Tish and piffle.

Talk about football, family, food and women and you're talking all night with your average Thai bloke.

The geezer has said he's not short of a few bob so why not spring for a few ales for the lads? A few hundred baht isn't going to cripple him and most Thais, even lowly paid ones, have enough pride to at least buy a few back your way.

Good answer squire.

Football is a staple item for a discussion almost anywhere in the world, and the Thais know more about the Premier League than I do; also food and sex is always popular! And, funnily enough, the weather also gets plenty of comments too - it's like having a chat back in England, except that it's usually the heat not the bloody rain!

I've never had the situation where I am expected to pay for all either; sometimes I pay more than others, sometimes less - swings and roundabouts mate.

[robblok]

Hi, yes, thanks. I have my garden, so that kills a lot of time for me. But its just sometimes, its nice to have a beer and talk.

get a dog. they make best friends and like when they are talked to. i'm not joking!

I got two dogs, i love them but they also limit me. Its not easy to pick it all up and go for a short holiday somewhere around Thailand. Its hard to stay out a night ect. Other then that they love me completely keep the Thais out of my home (bangkaew dogs Thais fear them). And with Thais i mean the undesirable ones burglars and such.

The only problem is that they constantly try to kill each other and they are mother and son. That gets a bit boring at times. But they do make good company. They sense it when you need some attention.

[robblok]

As for speaking Thai, that really does not improve your situation IMHO. You simply have zero in common and trying to have a discussion proves to be challenging and actually adds frustration.

Tish and piffle.

Talk about football, family, food and women and you're talking all night with your average Thai bloke.

The geezer has said he's not short of a few bob so why not spring for a few ales for the lads? A few hundred baht isn't going to cripple him and most Thais, even lowly paid ones, have enough pride to at least buy a few back your way.

Good answer squire.

Football is a staple item for a discussion almost anywhere in the world, and the Thais know more about the Premier League than I do; also food and sex is always popular! And, funnily enough, the weather also gets plenty of comments too - it's like having a chat back in England, except that it's usually the heat not the bloody rain!

I've never had the situation where I am expected to pay for all either; sometimes I pay more than others, sometimes less - swings and roundabouts mate.

The Thais i met never expected me to pay it all, would always be a nice even share or not and then they paid next time.

[chonabot]

Guesthouse, I dont get why the guy launched into a tirade against you. I might just be being thick, but the 3 questions he asked seem quite normal, or am I abnormal. Anyway anyone want to fill me in?

Regarding the op, I think that expats are are funny bunch. Many will completely blank me as I say hello or pretend they didnt here. I have a running joke with my wife that whenever we see a farang and he sees me that he will look at the floor immediately. Are they all international criminals. At this point I must point out that I dont live in an area with lots of farang. One guy was even behind me in the queue in Tesco's and ignored me and looked at everything he could, except my way. Maybe I'm scary looking or such an arsehol_e that people know not to talk to me.

Many farang I've met like to turn every conversation into a pissing contest. One guy would always tell me whatever I bought was shit and that his was the best........and I mean everything fridge, sofa, car, even said to me, 'my wife speaks better english than yours'.

I wonder why so many farang see each other as direct competition??

I totally agree on the 'looking at the floor ' quote.

Originally I was not bothered and even happy to avoid them - but recently it has become a sport of mine to try and elicit a conversation.

It must be the ex-Wallingford look that we both have

On the ' my wife can speak better English' line..at my school, recently the head of the English Department was confused when my wife introduced the phrasal verb " Never back down' into the conversation......

The few expats I have actually chatted to in Kalasin have seemed ok but not really people that I would cross the road to meet back home.

[ThaidDown]

And if you're really lucky in Pattaya you might even meet a real estate agent or a crooked lawyer or a sleazy media mogul.

In Pattaya you could easily meet someone who is a real estate agent and a crooked lawyer and a sleazy media mogul.

[trainman34014]

My Father died many years ago but in his last year he told me that when we are approaching our later years we realise that we can count our 'real' friends on the fingers of one hand. I've always remembered that and it is so true.

As for friends in Thailand; I think it is a matter of what you have in common with others because we are all different when it comes to the things we like/dislike. Trying to purposely seek out friends doesn't work in my opinion; better to wait and see who comes along the winding road of life as it leads to some nice encounters.

[bendix]

I find this thread a bit embarassing to read - plaintive cries of 'why can't I find friends in Thailand' sound more like the pitiful wailing of a socially ill-at-ease American teen addicted to Facebook, rather than real grown-up people.

To paraphrase Groucho Marx, I would never want to be friends with anyone willing to spend time with someone like me. It would show incredibly poor taste on their part, and I can't abide poor taste.

[wana]

I find this thread a bit embarassing to read - plaintive cries of 'why can't I find friends in Thailand' sound more like the pitiful wailing of a socially ill-at-ease American teen addicted to Facebook, rather than real grown-up people.

To paraphrase Groucho Marx, I would never want to be friends with anyone willing to spend time with someone like me. It would show incredibly poor taste on their part, and I can't abide poor taste.

its not our fault you have no friends bendix !

[GreenSnapper]

......i know a 1 person on

a full expat deal that include a free Mercedes ,100k a month for rent and a whopping big salary on top of that

(head hunted by a large bank to come to thailand )

While this sounds impressive (and it is!), once you see the whole picture of most proud people on expat packages, the impression does not last:

Having a bitter, nagging wife of same age. Having misbehaving children (due to their Western upbringing) and the problems to give them a good education here..... and the stress with the job.

I guess, in most cases, a 30K Baht English teacher has more fun in his life.

But then, I don't look down at misfits, English teachers or expat package owners. Each can be fun to talk to.

[pattayadingo]

Don't dismiss the Thai people as friends.

Maybe it cost me a few extra beers initially but for the last five years or so I have had two good Thai friends [ 1 male & 1 female]who have helped me if I needed help and also been good friends.

I took into equation the fact that some Thai people have a lot less than me financially so I was prepared to stump up the cost of a few extra beers. It did not take long to weed out the Thai people who were simply 'hangers on' and those that genuinely wanted to help and advise in different situations. And as time went by they also paid for a few beers themselves when they had some money. They never took advantage. Overall I would say that those friendships have been good and fruitful.

Seems to me it is a lot harder out in the sticks to find foreigners who are not bitter and twisted and those that are under the thumb, generally pissheads or anti-social. It does not take long to weed out the bad but it does take time and patience to find good friends.

Nowadays because I am in Pattaya I can go out and sit and talk to quite a few sociable people of different nationalities. We talk about football, F1, politics and any number of topics including cooking LOL.

Yet even here in Pattaya there are still many bitter and twisted people who have 'loved and lost everything'. It is soon evident by their attitude as are those know-alls who I try to avoid like the plague.

The few friends that I do have here have come about from my being out on my own. A nod, a smile or a simple hello as i see others nearby, or being out watching rugby, football matches, F1 and other sports in some of the bars has led to these friendships.

Take your time. You will find people who are on the same level as you eventually. In the meantime just laugh at and shrug off those others. Life is too short to have grief and aggro.

[chrisinth]

Hi TQM,

My two-pence worth on your predicament:

It’s a bit of a nightmare isn’t it? Living outside any cosmopolitan areas presents its problems and the subject of friendship is, as you are finding, a major one. And again, it is the definition of the term friendship that needs to be addressed.

IMO, friends are not acquired over the short term; friendship happens over the long term when each person is comfortable with the other and trust one another to have each other’s back when needed. It is only a true friend that can call you an @ssh0le to your face while meaning every word of it and you being able to recognize what he is saying!

Anything short of this (again, IMO), I would term as an “acquaintance” or a “mate”, which I think is what you are after in the short term. Maybe you need to lower your expectations, and take a bit of the rough with the smooth. Again, if you don’t have a common interest from the start, this is also difficult. If the common interest isn’t there, make one, the world is your oyster!

The above is based on my experience/observation of what I have seen since being here. My wife has run a bar for the last 13 years here (up-country) and if I am in town, I have been there almost every night for this period. I was just a couple of years older than you when we started this, so also recognize the age bracket as well. I have seen the false friendships and the true ones. I have seen the acquaintance’s; best of mates one day, sworn enemies the next because of something trivial, neither wanting to admit they were wrong. In that time, I have had literally hundreds of “mates”, but only a half dozen that I would consider true friends. Sounds horrible doesn’t it?