Settle Down In Isaan

[bentje60]

Been visiting Thailand many times in the past and has always managed to avoid all the dangers that lure just around every corner in LOS. About one and a half year ago though i saw myself getting trapped in the fishing net of a beautiful sweet Isaan girl. Been visiting her 4 times now in her village and i'm seriously considering to settle down in Thailand for good and with Thailand i mean in her village and in a small modest house built with my farang money.

By surfing the internet and read about similar situations that has occured in the past, i am constantly getting warned and told that it might not be a very wise thing to do. I read about getting kicked all the way out of Isaan as soon as the house is built. I read about getting invaded all day long in your own house by girlfriends family and friends. I read about only being looked at as a walking ATM machine. I read about getting ranked below mom/dad, family, friends and the two water buffaloes. I read about getting bored to death and i could go on and on.

Therefore i'm in desperately need to hear from anybody that could prove all of the above wrong and any advice giving would be most appreciated.

Bentje

[sirineou]

You are not ranked below Mom and Dad, you are in a different category, in the same way that you (I would hope) don't place your wife above your parents

Wife and parents are two different things. Having said this, i would agree that Thais are more attached to their family than westerners are,, I don't think that's a bad thing,

So don't worry about that, unless you are not a "Family man: everything in my Isaan family revolves around the Family.

AS far as the money is concerned, If you are in a good relationship with a smart girl,and you work as partners. she will quickly realize that,not only your money that is given away, but also her money, and she will quickly cut that out.

I have never saved more money than I have since I married my Thai wife ,She watches OUR money like a hawk.

My advise is .use your head (you know the one on top of your shoulders)when choosing a wife, and everything else will work it's self out.

Learn about the culture, the biggest problem between you and your wife will be cultural misunderstandings.

and above all don't lisen and get paranoid by all the negative talk in this and other forums, you are a smart guy ,you don't need other people telling you what to do.

As far as getting bored, it all depend on you,

some people can find wonder, and be entertained by a blade of grass, and other need a marching band, and clowns.

Good Luck

.

[CelticBhoy]

Don't worry about the boredom . . . . play golf!

And learn to drink huge amounts of beer.

Works for me!

Good Luck

[sinbin]

Posted Today, 01:35

"Been visiting Thailand many times in the past and has always managed to avoid all the dangers that lure just around every corner in LOS. About one and a half year ago though i saw myself getting trapped in the fishing net of a beautiful sweet Isaan girl. Been visiting her 4 times now in her village and i'm seriously considering to settle down in Thailand for good and with Thailand i mean in her village and in a small modest house built with my farang money.

By surfing the internet and read about similar situations that has occured in the past, i am constantly getting warned and told that it might not be a very wise thing to do. I read about getting kicked all the way out of Isaan as soon as the house is built. I read about getting invaded all day long in your own house by girlfriends family and friends. I read about only being looked at as a walking ATM machine. I read about getting ranked below mom/dad, family, friends and the two water buffaloes. I read about getting bored to death and i could go on and on.

Therefore i'm in desperately need to hear from anybody that could prove all of the above wrong and any advice giving would be most appreciated.

Bentje"

All the above is true if you let it happen. Put your foot down from the start and you make the decisions, not her. That applies to her family also. Give them an inch and.............Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye.

While you're away from your lady does she have a gik? Does she gamble? Has she got hidden debts ? (Thais live in debt) Does she drink? My guess would be yes to all those, as she's a normal Thai. The answer is not easy, but obviously you have reservations and these need to be addressed. So my advice would be to walk away until you need to ask no more questions on a Thai forum.

[meatboy]

only visiting her[4times] means you now nothing about this girl,you need to spend some serious time with her before taking the plunge you might be at the top of her list or the bottom its first come first served till she realizes you are not what she wanted.so you had better rent a house somewhere for a year or two that way if there are any skeletons in the cupboard you will soon see the signs but as you have been reading the posts on tv you will now what they are.also if you have been sending money which is rife within the farang world you may not be the only one.good luck and take all the advice given good or bad.

[sirineou]

Posted Today, 01:35

. Put your foot down from the start and you make the decisions, not her. That applies to her family also. Give them an inch and.............Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye.

While you're away from your lady does she have a gik? Does she gamble? Has she got hidden debts ? (Thais live in debt) Does she drink? My guess would be yes to all those, as she's a normal Thai. The answer is not easy, but obviously you have reservations and these need to be addressed. So my advice would be to walk away until you need to ask no more questions on a Thai forum.

I will let some one else have fun with the above

[happyaussie]

Just make sure you have the right personality for this life. As attractive as it seems when visiting for holidays, it's a totally different thing to settle their full time.

Until you are snagged 100% (built the house and bought a motor bike or car in GF's name) your family to be will be very hospitable. Your GF will probably also change. Some of the things you may enjoy with her will invariably stop...wink wink.

Boredom and lack of communication will be another large hurdle. Sitting around smiling and nodding with people who have no intension of speaking English. Which of course is their right. And you will probably experience some alcohol fueled fights. Which can be very nasty.

This may get me shot, but I also find Thais not particularly house proud. Inside the house maybe, but outside rubbish everywhere. I suppose it's because the villagers work hard and see no value cleaning after a day in the paddie.

With this said, you maybe the perfect guy and love it. Your GF might be a star. I'd suggest spending 3 months there without going for a sanity check to a city and see how you feel.

And yes, I do live in the country, but not in a village.

[jamescollister]

Op you don't say how old you are or whether you are giving up everything in the west on a mad dream in Issan.

Plenty of farangs have happy content lives, living with family in a village. Other fail, it's really more up to you then her and family.

Perhaps come and try for awhile before you buy.

If you were sure it was the right thing you won't be posting, only answer is dip your feet in before you take the plunge.Jim

[sirchai]

Hi Bentje,

I’d like to be honest with you. I used to you live in a village for about a year, but couldn’t live there anymore.

. Why would you built a house for somebody you don’t really know? Does a house can buy you love?

I do not know where you’ve met her, but we all know the chances to meet an “ordinary” girl in the Isan and fall in love are very slim.Those who worked in bars wouldn’t tell you that.

I live here now for ten years; saw so many foreigners who built big houses, bought cars and motorcycles, while their “wives” spent his money by playing cards etc….

Never ever built a house where the family lives. Go far away from them, they do see you as a walking ATM machine. And yes, all the neighbors, friends and relatives will come and ask for “little favors.”

You could own the house, but never the land, where the house is on. Now ask yourself a serious question. Would you do that also back in your home country, to build a house for somebody you don’t really know?

How much would you pay, not just for the house? You’ll have to pay for all. Why not just living together for a while to check her out in a way that you leave your decision open.

If she really loves you, wouldn’t she stay with you? You might find things out about her, you won’t like. She might have kids dropped off somewhere.

She could still be married to a farlang, a Thai or even with an Alien, you wouldn’t even know it.

Thai girls do mostly take care of their (mostly poor) Isan families. Many girls were sent to Pattaya, Bangkok, or somewhere else to sell their body, they even hang a Buddha around their neck before "leaving"...., knowing that their daughters have only one chance to make money.

So almost all bar girls do send money to their families

When they come back with some gold and a guy like you, they seem to like you. But it's the money they like, not a guy who's having sex with their daughter.

But can you actually communicate with them? Think twice........

Please don’t think Thai girls are that different…..

Edited June 28, 2012 by sirchai

[Gary A]

A woman can put on a convincing act for a few months but eventually her true colors come out. I advise living with a woman for a year before getting married.

That's lesson number one. Lesson number two is a question. Why do guys want to build a huge mansion for their love nest? That huge mansion is an open invitation for her family to move in.

Maybe I was just lucky. I live in my wife's house. She had it long before we met. It is a small two bedroom single level house. I did westernize it to suit myself. I put screens on the windows, rewired the house for a hot water shower, water pump and air conditioning in the master bedroom. I also installed a sit down toilet.

I tease her about having a big house and she always says that would just be more work for her to clean.

There are a number of big beautiful homes in this area. The farangs who built them are long gone. That should tell you something. You DON'T need a huge home for you and your bride.

Many guys marry women with children and enjoy raising them. Quite frankly, I don't like kids and my wife never had any.

[nev]

Some good responses, my two bob's worth, visit as many times as you can before you settle down in issan and on you visits study the village life study the way the family treat you, you can learn a lot just by people's reactions.

Do not bring into thailand any money that you are not willing to walk away from, believe me if you have the wrong girl that time will come, so any money spent on land, house, car, motor bike ect you will have no claim on.

There are many good girls to in issan but to meet them you have to come on your own stay major cities and you will find, i know many teachers, nurses, and others in other good jobs who would make great wives and girlfriends, and none would be seen dead working as a bar girl.

[sinbin]

I will let some one else have fun with the above

What's so funny Sirineou ? Do you lack the ability to respond to my post yourself ?

[TommoPhysicist]

Gary A and Sirchai have it right.

They are gonna pluck you like the turkey you are!

Unless you have a serious farming background, never ever move to a Thai village.

(Well it might be OK if less than 50km from a major city)

Edited June 28, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[Bpraim1]

I live out in a small Issan village and love it.

Don't listen to all the people on here, just some.

GO slow and test the water, then have a great swim.

Good luck

[nev]

Posted Today, 01:35

. Put your foot down from the start and you make the decisions, not her. That applies to her family also. Give them an inch and.............Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye.

While you're away from your lady does she have a gik? Does she gamble? Has she got hidden debts ? (Thais live in debt) Does she drink? My guess would be yes to all those, as she's a normal Thai. The answer is not easy, but obviously you have reservations and these need to be addressed. So my advice would be to walk away until you need to ask no more questions on a Thai forum.

I will let some one else have fun with the above

Nothing to have fun with pretty spot on really, living here i have seen all the above and more, only the walk away bit i would not agree with yet, give her chance to hang herself or show her worth.

[Gweiloman]

OP,

Thailand is presumably not a foreign country to you as you have been visiting many times and have also been able to avoid some of the pitfalls of some other farangs who have come here.

However, the answers to your questions depend a lot on what JC said above. In order to get constructive sensible advise (espc on this forum), one really needs to know some personal details such as the respective ages of the people involved, what sort of other family commitments/responsibilities (such as kids from previous marriage/s), what's your personal intention (to settle down/retire or are you still working age and need to continue working etc), which part of the country are you looking at (important from the point of view of a non-Thai support network)

With a clearer picture, you will be able to get some more relevant answers.

[elwood]

Posted Today, 01:35

. Put your foot down from the start and you make the decisions, not her. That applies to her family also. Give them an inch and.............Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye.

While you're away from your lady does she have a gik? Does she gamble? Has she got hidden debts ? (Thais live in debt) Does she drink? My guess would be yes to all those, as she's a normal Thai. The answer is not easy, but obviously you have reservations and these need to be addressed. So my advice would be to walk away until you need to ask no more questions on a Thai forum.

I will let some one else have fun with the above

--------------------------------------

Sinbin, why make such a ridiculous generalisation of all Thais, it makes you come across as a dipstick.

I've been married 23 years, we have had joint bank accounts for 25 years; my wife doesn't have a gik (neither do I), only drinks an occasional shandy or wine cooler, and doesn't owe a damned penny - oh, and only has an occasional bash at the lottery. So by your reckoning she is not a normal Thai?

The expats I know married to Thais in Isaan seem pretty happy with their women and their lives, as I am with my old lady and family, so where do you get your bitter opinions from?

I'll agree with you that the OP should show more caution and learn more about his girlfriend and her family, but your sweeping generalisations are way out of line, and more suited for the whingers on the General section.

Perhaps it's time for you to send in another rant about Korat Immigration - make you feel better.

[ubonjoe]

It is all up to you.

There have been some posts with good advise and some that should be thrown in the trash.

I think perhaps you already know your GF and her family quite well after four trips to her village and I suspect some time together before then.

You said a small modest house which some posters ignored. You can build a basic village house (with some western influence) for not a lot of money. There is a way to do the house that provides some protection if you want. Form a partnership company (costs 1000 baht to register) with your GF owning 51% and you the remaining. Buy the land and built the house under the company name. If things don't work out then you still have your part. Give it to her or sell the property and house then split the money (several ways to do it).

[Rdrokit]

Bentje60,

There are as many happy stories as sad ones. Mine is a happy one but be cautious. Ask yourself, "Why am I doing this and will it make ME happy?" If you can't answer the question you need to do more exploring. I am a city boy so I can not live in a village. I do not want to wake up to roosters crowing and dogs barking but many people enjoy that life.

You must remember that her parents will always come before you......and to me that is not bad but if the parents need something it will come out of your pocket.

She will want to live close to her parents, also not a bad thing but you do not have to live nextdoor. We live about 30km from her parents and it works out just fine. I had my wife take driving lessons and now she does not have to depend on me for transportation.

You do not say how old you are but if you need to work the only thing to do in a village is farm.

Also, I would suggest you rent a house or apartment for 6 months before you decide to build a house. Much easier to walk away if things don't work out.

Anyway best of luck in whatever you decide.

[sirineou]

I will let some one else have fun with the above

What's so funny Sirineou ? Do you lack the ability to respond to my post yourself ?

Ok I will take a shot at it

You said:

. Put your foot down from the start and you make the decisions, not her. That applies to her family also. Give them an inch and.............Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye.

While you're away from your lady does she have a gik? Does she gamble? Has she got hidden debts ? (Thais live in debt) Does she drink? My guess would be yes to all those, as she's a normal Thai. The answer is not easy, but obviously you have reservations and these need to be addressed. So my advice would be to walk away until you need to ask no more questions on a Thai forum.

-" Put your foot down from the start and you make the decisions, not her." : That is not a Marriage that is a dictatorship,

Dont you think it is time to come out of the cave? come on.. it is nice out here... we have made great strides, we now have fire and a new device called the wheel.

-"Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye." you obviously don't understand Thai culture. That is why I said in my reply, "Learn about Thai culture, ......."

​When you marry an isaan girl, (in fact any girl in the world) but much more so an Isaan girl, your relationship is not only with her but with her family.

Family is a very important part of Isaan life, if you marry a girl that is having problems with her family, you can very well bet that there is a problem with either her, or her family.

-"While you're away from your lady does she have a gik? Does she gamble? Has she got hidden debts ? (Thais live in debt) Does she drink? ":

Why would you even marry such person?

-"My guess would be yes to all those, as she's a normal Thai": How do you arrive to such conclusion? perhaps, it is true with in the circles you move, but certainly not normal. and if it was normal then , then I come back to my previous question , why would any one marry such person? if it was true then Isaan girls would be totally unsuited as wife material.

It was this kind of talk that I warned the OP against.

Married to a very nice Isaan girl, for 3 years, being together for 6years,

she is a woman, I am a man, and as such we have our moments, but all in all I could not imagine a life with out her.

[bergen]

I will let some one else have fun with the above

What's so funny Sirineou ? Do you lack the ability to respond to my post yourself ?

Ok I will take a shot at it

You said:

. Put your foot down from the start and you make the decisions, not her. That applies to her family also. Give them an inch and.............Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye.

While you're away from your lady does she have a gik? Does she gamble? Has she got hidden debts ? (Thais live in debt) Does she drink? My guess would be yes to all those, as she's a normal Thai. The answer is not easy, but obviously you have reservations and these need to be addressed. So my advice would be to walk away until you need to ask no more questions on a Thai forum.

-" Put your foot down from the start and you make the decisions, not her." : That is not a Marriage that is a dictatorship,

Dont you think it is time to come out of the cave? come on.. it is nice out here... we have made great strides, we now have fire and a new device called the wheel.

-"Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye." you obviously don't understand Thai culture. That is why I said in my reply, "Learn about Thai culture, ......."

​When you marry an isaan girl, (in fact any girl in the world) but much more so an Isaan girl, your relationship is not only with her but with her family.

Family is a very important part of Isaan life, if you marry a girl that is having problems with her family, you can very well bet that there is a problem with either her, or her family.

-"While you're away from your lady does she have a gik? Does she gamble? Has she got hidden debts ? (Thais live in debt) Does she drink? ":

Why would you even marry such person?

-"My guess would be yes to all those, as she's a normal Thai": How do you arrive to such conclusion? perhaps, it is true with in the circles you move, but certainly not normal. and if it was normal then , then I come back to my previous question , why would any one marry such person? if it was true then Isaan girls would be totally unsuited as wife material.

It was this kind of talk that I warned the OP against.

Married to a very nice Isaan girl, for 3 years, being together for 6years,

she is a woman, I am a man, and as such we have our moments, but all in all I could not imagine a life with out her.

Well said!

[Thighlander]

What is her education/employment background? If she can't support herself, then that makes her a taker not a giver.

[TommoPhysicist]

-"Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye." you obviously don't understand Thai culture. That is why I said in my reply, "Learn about Thai culture, ......."

Thai culture to me, appears to be "take as much as you can by any means possible, especially from the weak, gullible or foolish"

Have I got it wrong?

Edited June 28, 2012 by TommoPhysicist

[bergen]

What is her education/employment background? If she can't support herself, then that makes her a taker not a giver.

If she can take care of, and support her man, that makes her a contributer!

[bergen]

-"Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye." you obviously don't understand Thai culture. That is why I said in my reply, "Learn about Thai culture, ......."

Thai culture to me, appears to be "take as much as you can by any means possible, especially from the weak, gullible or foolish"

Have I got it wrong?

Not my experience, but what do I know?

[sirchai]

After living in the village for a year, we moved to the provincial city. It was easy to find a decent house for rent.

Why don't you live with her for a while and see how things are going?

You can see if she's taking care of the house and especially you.

When things don't work out well, just go and you won't fall off a balcony....

Edited June 28, 2012 by sirchai

[Rdrokit]

-"Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye." you obviously don't understand Thai culture. That is why I said in my reply, "Learn about Thai culture, ......."

Thai culture to me, appears to be "take as much as you can by any means possible, especially from the weak, gullible or foolish"

Have I got it wrong?

Not my experience, but what do I know?

I agree with bergen, not my experiece either and I've been here for 7 years now.

[jamescollister]

OP everyone's experiences will be different, just as everyone is different, what worked for one may not work for another, Sometimes it pays to follow your heart [instincts ] you may win or lose, but if you never try you will never know.

If you are out my neck of the woods come on over and see the farang who lives with his in laws and pays for somethings and not for others.

As many have said family comes first in Thailand and once you have your own kids here, that is the family that comes first. Jim

[sirineou]

-"Your relationship is with her not the family. If she can't accept that then bye bye." you obviously don't understand Thai culture. That is why I said in my reply, "Learn about Thai culture, ......."

Thai culture to me, appears to be "take as much as you can by any means possible, especially from the weak, gullible or foolish"

Have I got it wrong?

of course you got it wrong

do you need to ask?

"take as much as you can" a human characteristic, not exclusive to Thais

"by any means possible" certainly not by any means impossible

"especially from the weak, gullible or foolish "who else, certainly not from the Strong and the smart and the skeptical .

[bentje60]

Thanks folks for your posts and lot's of constructive and usefull advice, in which the connecting thread seems to be, and i will quote member Jamescollister, ”dip your feet in before taking the plunge”

Cheers

Bentje