Our American Cousins Can Be Pretty Funny Too

[anon21]

American surnames can seem strange to British ears sometimes, but this one must take the biscuit.

Click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Edited July 29, 2012 by Silver sea

[anon21]

Q: What is so special about an American bra?

A: One Yank and it's off.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

A new young doctor came to Aunt Ellie"s house.

He said: "Hello Miss Ellie. You sure look fit for your age."

She replied: "Why thank you young man. I have never had a day's sickness in all my 84 years."

The doc said: "Have you never been bedridden?"

She stared at him for a moment and replied: "Many times ... and once in a buggy."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

The Romantic American

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, "What do you guys do around here for entertainment?"

"You mean women?" asked the local. "We ain't got none around here, so mostly we have to get friendly with the sheep."

"That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degradation."

However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterwards, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his woolly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

"You bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been getting friendly with sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!"

One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[KeyserSoze01]

I had a friend once whose name was Mike Hunt. Now say it 5 times real fast.

[Jingthing]

Don't even get me started about my Granny ... Fanny.

[anon21]

Ha ha very funny. Thanks guys.

Along the same lines you may enjoy this famous letter from World War II:

Click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[endure]

Ha ha very funny. Thanks guys.

Along the same lines you may enjoy this famous letter from World War II:

Click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Ha ha very funny. Thanks guys.

Along the same lines you may enjoy this famous letter from World War II:

Click HERE

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Thank you. Glad I was able to give you a laugh

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"dam_n!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up ...."

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[CrazyKid]

Downright Un-American

[anon21]

Downright Un-American

Ha ha very funny CrazyKid. ....

.... which reminds me of the following:

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming". If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Edited August 1, 2012 by Silver sea

[anon21]

Question:If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn'thave a problem with forest fires."George Bush

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

As a tour guide, I get to meet lots of Americans coming over to visit the Old Country. After many years of hard work I am finally beginning to understand their various accents. For instance, I have always found middle aged men from New York the most difficult to follow, especially after they have enjoyed several glasses of Merlot, (but, hey, what the heck?! They are good sports and have a generosity of spirit - a bit like all them Aussie girls ... but that's another story and another joke)

Like me, do you have trouble pronouncing American words e.g. "Oklahoma"? Where do you place the pause? :

The next time you need to say the word but can't quite remember the prononciation then close your eyes and bring to mind the following aide memoire by just clicking HERE.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Edited August 3, 2012 by Silver sea

[anon21]

Americans in Lurve

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 555-6420 and ask for Susie, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

(Men are so easy).

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Edited August 4, 2012 by tombkk
Real phone number

[anon21]

"Well Ely, that's a mighty special looking pig! But how come he's got three wooden legs?"

"A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore his legs off?"

"No he was fine after that. But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn. Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his legs, huh, Ely?"

"No. He was a bit winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dived into the pond and had dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."

"And that's when he hurt his legs?"

"Oh no, he was fine. Cleaned him up, an' all."

"OK, Ely. Surprise me. How did he get those wooden legs?"

"Well, with a pig like that, and after all he's done for me, eating him all at once just wouldn't be right, now would it?"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

"Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

Men ARE from Mars (especially in the USA)

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado for an actual class assignment.

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.

There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.

The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

first paragraph by Rebecca:

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

second paragraph by Gary:

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

Rebecca:

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Gary:

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

Rebecca:

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

Gary:

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F******G TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

Rebecca:

As*h@le

Gary:

B*tch.

Rebecca:

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

Gary:

In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

Teacher:

A+ - I really liked this one.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

Edited August 6, 2012 by Silver sea

[anon21]

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, because Californians screw in hot tubs.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

The "Golden Rule" of advocacy is that you should never ask your client a question in open court that you don't already know the answer to!

Defense Lawyer: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Lawyer: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened on the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:Well, there I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Lawyer: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Lawyer: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Lawyer: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Lawyer: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Lawyer: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Lawyer: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Lawyer: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Greetings from over the Silver Sea

[anon21]

The Poetry competition

It's the Grand Finale and only two competitors are left. The referee opens the OED at random and puts his finger on ... Timbuctoo. Both competitors have 3 minutes to write a short poem, which contains the word "Timbuctoo".

First forward is a young grad, fresh out of Harvard, with clean cut good looks and a razor sharp brain:

Slowly over the desert sand,

Wandered a lonely caravan.

Men on camels, two by two,

Destination: Timbuctoo.

Crowd give him a standing ovation. Brilliant. 90% on the old clapometer.

Next forward is Ely, a redneck from the Carolinas, who looks a bit like BENNY HILL, playing Fred Scuttle. A hushed silence. How can he compete with a Harvard Grad?

Me and Tim a-hunting went,

Met three girls in a pop-up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I buck'd one, and Tim buck'd two.

[95% on the clapometer.]

Greetings from over the Silver Sea