Is There Any Mileage Left In Our Marriage ?

[jasonr3255]

Hi people

Could really do with some advice or a sensible view on things, I suppose being a Thai forum it might reveal better advice than your local marriage guidance councillor. Any way let me put you in the picture I'm 38 and my Thai wife is 35 we met believe it or not on the beach in Koh Samet 8 years ago(she was a beach masseuses)we spent the next couple of years going back and forth from Thailand to England on visit visas and then progressed to settlement as you do. 2 years ago we started the process of trying to bring her 3 children over which we successfully managed and they all have settlement visas and have a place in school over here, ages 10,11,17 all lovely kids though the 17 yr boy has managed to find other naughty boys his own age in the UK and is staying out all hours giving us lots to worry about, and when he is home he spends 24 hrs on his I phone or laying in bed with his Thai Boy friend during the afternoons which I have questioned to his mother about his sexuality whether he is gay or not, not bothered if he is and his mum certainly isn't, she just says as long as he doesn't take drugs or kill someone then "mai pen rai". The other two kids are from her x partner never legally married and she seems to favour them some what, I think she left her eldest son with grandma when she met the father of her youngest two, and it certainly shows. Thai culture I understand.

Anyway trying to move on, during those 8 years back and forth I tried importing furniture from Thailand for a few years which proved difficult and eventually cost me the business !! Two years ago I opened a Thai Masage spa for my wife, it was the clean kind no private rooms all legitimate offering real Thai Massage and foot massage and pedicures. We had 8 girls working for us and the business was swinging along nicely. A few weeks ago I found out that my wife had been seeing a rather hunky customer from the shop seemingly for a couple of months. You can Imagine what happened when I found out, screaming accusing, denial all he usual traits. After calming down and letting it all sink in I was trying to think where we can go from here. After a few days of arguing I said I'm prepared to forgive as I feel the 8 years of marriage seems to much to throw away so quickly. My immediate reaction was to remove my wife from the business which I have since done and even managed to sell it " weight off my mind " one morning a couple of weeks ago she got angry and said I was stupid stopping her from working and taking away her independence and money. She got up and said I'm going for a walk, had my suspicion followed her up the road and found her in the phone box ringing guess who ? I confronted her and guess what she denied it, but eventually said that she did ring and subsequently that night I stayed at my friends and she rang me when She got home saying she had met this fella for a couple of cans on the beach.

Now all the time we have been living together in th UK she has never spent the night away from me, but I know the days she crept out from work with her gik they certainly weren't watching cartoons together. Any way last week we agreed together that I send her back to Thailand to buy some more handicrafts to sell back in the UK over the Christmas period and maybe she can return to live in Thailand after Christmas on a semi permanent basis. I have a fairly good Job where I can return to Thailand every 6 weeks and do the usual thing of sending over money so she can sit and do the Somtam thing. Now in fairness to my wife she has never bled me dry neither has she been one for gambling, drugs, nice clothes (except for the last couple of months) which I now know the reason why. We have a house in Thailand, not mine legally I know and 30 rai of decent farm land. My end goal was to retire to Thailand in a couple of years with all of us and I would have enough funds to regularly return to the UK to see my biological children who are aged 11 and 15.

Yesterday I sent some funds to her which I promised from the sale of the business in the UK for buying handicraft stock to sell in the UK, Once sent she seems to have suddenly got cold feet in spending that money on stock, though I have told her that if she does not use the money to buy stock she should send it back as she has a tax return and loan to pay off from the business account. She says she will send it back, "we will see". On top of that her citizenship application is now in and will probably be ready in the next couple of months. My new plan is now to possibly split time between Thailand and the UK and she seems to think it might work so long as I send Somtam money. The ironic thing is before this episode it was seeming to swing along nicely, kids in school learning English well,and the possibility of spending the next couple of years here and then possibly discuss the pros and cons of returning to Thailand once the children have aquired a more in depth knowledge. The eldest boy is in Sixth form and also studying a city and guilds electricians course. She is booked to return to the UK at the end of August, and she will need to return to do citzenship ceremony and passport before Christmas.

Bottom line is my trust over her is keeping me awake at night and I am also doing a good Job of reminding her at every phone call we have. On her return she will have no work as the business has gone and I know the thought of her returning to menial labour in the UK will seem a bundle of steps backwards from being boss in your own spa and earning a nice few quid. She says she will stay with me without working and possibly return to Thailand after Christmas once all passports have been gained, but I know she's not sort to lay in bed all day. So I'm worried she will become bored and angry quickly, which will probably send her reeling back to the Gik, and which I will probably explode and threaten to kick em all out as I have done a few weeks ago.

I love the life in Thailand, I love her family and they have mutual feelings for me. The thought of losing her is driving me crazy as much as the thought of being with her and not being able to trust her. I've had 8 good years and she still says she loves me and everything will be ok, our sex is good so that's never been a problem, but I have been the stressed out monster with work on a few occasions. All in all I want to fight for this marriage as I love her dearly. I'm in bits to be honest and finding it hard cope. The uncertainty of the future is eating me up !

Edited August 18, 2012 by sbk
paragraphs fixed

[DavidOxon]

no answer, just a big hug....

[cdnvic]

Without paragraphs hardly anyone is going to read that.

[eek]

Same as DavidOxon, im afraid, nothing to offer except to wish you good luck and im really sorry about your story.

I hope you find the right solution..and fast, because obviously this isnt good for your state of mind.

Again..good luck, and really sorry.

[jasonr3255]

Thank you for the replies, I'm sorry that some of you find it difficult to read without paragraphs, to be honest I didn't even think about that I just wrote coz I had no where else to turn, I hope those who find it annoying can understand. I beginning to think I would have been better not posting !!

[lizardtongue]

I am sorry to read about your dilemma, as with all posts yours is one side of the story! I am not saying I disbelieve what you have posted.

But ask yourself this, what do you think your wife would say if she were to post on here? Be honest with yourself you may be surprised at some of the things you have taken for granted/over looked.

However have you considered a marriage guidance councilor? Or simply asking your wife what exactly she wants/expects to gain from this situation?

Obviously if you do part company it will have an enormous detrimental effect on the children has she taken time to consider this?

The opportunities that you have given her is what most Thai women dream about, is this guy in the position to offer her the same? Again has she given thought to that?

I hope you are able to work things out if only for the children's sake.

[Somtamnication]

If she has given up after 8 years, after everything you have done for her and your step sons, then, it is time to quit.

She already has a gik. End of story.

Best wishes to you. You seem like a generous man.

[sbk]

Fixed your paragraphs for you.

I don't know what to tell you, without trust its going to be hard, if its going to tear your heart out each time then you need to have a serious look at whether or not you can get past your distrust or if she is worthy of trust and if you can live with that. I don't have any advice for you except that I am sorry this has happened.

[krisb]

If you do end up finishing the relationship it doesnt mean you have to end it with the kids and they are old enough to understand.. Personally I wouldnt take crap from her but thats me. Dont allow yourself to be walked upon. Sort her out. Id end it as shes obviously seeing another man on a regular basis not like it was once on a drunk night out. Mate theres plenty fish in the sea of Thailand.

You asked and thats what Id do,..but...you need to work out whats best for you and the family.

I wish you the best and things have a funny way of working themselves out in life!....Let us know how it works out for you ok mate

[scotto]

I think its time for you to stand up!

why let her walk all over you?

you have been more than generous to her and her kids and she repaid you how?

if it were me i certainly would not be sending her money and not doing the passport thing either,

but thats me you have to work it out for yourself what your head says is i love her, but i bet your gut

tells you a different thing i always go with the gut feeling 99% of the time it is right.

still early times for you do not do anything rash sit back a bit and let it sink in a bit,

Then you will know whats right for you

best of luck and tread carefully or it will cost you lots.

[mike123ca]

I've always felt that to have a successful is very difficult because it takes 2 people to make it work.

When 1 person is no longer working to make it to succeed, then its pretty much over. Tell her its over unless

she changes her behaviour and if she doesn't clean up her act, then you know what to expect in the future.

Edited August 19, 2012 by mike123ca