Woke up this morning, had a shit, best part of me gone so i went back to bed

Somehow... that really tickled my funny bone....

Good one Daleyboy.

Young Son:-

"Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad:-

“That happens in every country, son.”

Man in a restaurant asks the waiter, “I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chicken?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

I lived in New York for while and wanted a book from the library.

I asked to get a library card but the rude librarian asked for proof of residence.

"Don't have it with me" I said.

" How do I know you live in New york?" he says.

So I stabbed him.

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that

She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hel_l is anal glaucoma? "A new disease"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today!"

PKG

Two ladies where having lunch together and discussing the merits of Cosmetic Surgery.

The first lady says, " I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job done."

The second lady says, " Oh that's nothing! I'm thinking of having my ###### bleached!"

To which the first lady replies, "Wow.........I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Two ladies where having lunch together and discussing the merits of Cosmetic Surgery.

The first lady says, " I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job done."

The second lady says, " Oh that's nothing! I'm thinking of having my ###### bleached!"

To which the first lady replies, "Wow.........I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

You should've posted this one in the ladies forum. They'd wet themselves.

Howabout this one? It's a mystery.

"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?", she said.

Valentine's Day message:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.

But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

Bird flu

An in-depth study has shown that the bird flu virus hits small cocks first.

I thought I'd warn you lot immediately.

An Asian man was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars, and asks the American bank teller,

"Why it change? yesteday I get two hunat dollar fo Yen - today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller answers "Flucuations".

The Asian man says "Fluck you whites too!!"

An Asian man was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars, and asks the American bank teller,

"Why it change? yesteday I get two hunat dollar fo Yen - today I get hunat eighty?"

The teller answers "Flucuations".

The Asian man says "Fluck you whites too!!"

Thanks Kan now i have to wipe my orange juice of my keyboard

Man takes a Rottweiler into a bar. Barman says "you can't bring that dog in here".

Man says "Yes I can, it's a guide dog."

Barman says "###### off, they use Labradors as guide dogs".

Man says "Why, what have they given me?"

A really ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No," he replies, "I just can't believe you got shagged twice."

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think...

(1) you need to spend more time together?

or

(2) she is a ######ing prude?

or

(3) she should sit elsewhere on the bus?

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think...

(1) you need to spend more time together?

or

(2) she is a ######ing prude?

or

(3) she should sit elsewhere on the bus?

For me mate it is always number 3

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does.

Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose." --Rita Rudner