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What Are Your Favourite Insults.

Featured Replies

To start the ball rolling, here are a few. Including a few quips from Churchill, Groucho, Johnson, Wilde et al:

You have the IQ of a haddock

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

You couldn't out smart a fruit pastille

You are as thick as a whale omelette

It is absurd to say that there are neither ruins nor curiosities in America when they have their mothers and their manners. -Oscar Wilde

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own

He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair. - Boy George

Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today

Are your parents siblings?

He sounds like he's got a brick dangling from his willy, and a food-mixer making purée of his tonsils. - Paul Lester

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner

Only the shallow know themselves.-Oscar Wilde

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

A cherub's face, a reptile all the rest. - Alexander Pope

"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." Groucho Marx

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass

You can't see as well as these f*cking flowers - and they're f*cking plastic. - John McEnroe

Don't be so humble, you're not that great. - Golda Meir

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

"They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway." Hunter S. Thompson

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts. - Clive James

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

"The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind." Joseph Stilwell

What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork? - John McEnroe

If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee. - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)

If you were my wife, I'd drink it. - Winston Churchill, in reply

Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap

Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one. - George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)

Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one. - Churchill's reply

You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.

"You're a parasite for sore eyes." Gregory Ratoff

I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

"Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?" Groucho Marx

He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms. - Mamie Van Doren

There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

He is racist, he's homophobic, he's xenophobic and he's a sexist. He's the perfect Republican candidate.- Bill Press

It's only the intellectually lost who ever argue. -Oscar Wilde

I heard you have hair on your chest, and that’s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin

The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters. - David Letterman

A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity, and gifted with an egotistical imagination that can at all times command an interminable and inconsistent series of arguments to malign an opponent and to glorify himself. - Benjamin Disraeli

As useful as a chocolate fireguard

Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident? - Don Rickles

If wit was sh*t, you'd be severely constipated

Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here. - Groucho Marx

The best part of you ran down your father’s leg!

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected. -Oscar Wilde

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. - Johnny Carson

"A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits." Edith Sitwell

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"If my dog had a face like yours I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backward." -anonymous?

I used to live in the southern states of the U.S. I was once over at a friend's house at a time when his old man had a business client at the house for dinner. After a few too many PBR's (as Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, the beer of the south, was affectionately known) between the old man and his old lady they started their usual cat and dog fight.

At one point he blurts out to his wife, "If yew had as many stickin' outta ya as yew had in ya yewd look like a damned porcupine." My jaw dropped because I was aware that his client was at the table.

Or one of my co-workers sarcastically to another, "Dennis, you're as sharp as a marble."

"If I knew I was going to have a boy like you, I woulda gone out in the woods - beat my meat on a stump and let the ants eat ya!"

--Southern Cracker/Redneck humor.

Were you born a ######, or did you have to train?

My favourite insult (on TV)

"You sound just like Boon Mee" :o

Don't know if i can say it but one of the best one's is -

######WIT

DID THAT WORK??

Wolfie,

May, as perchance, could we partake of one of those bloody things together finally where there may perchanch be no riff raff??

Suega, just read them all. Am Humbled and shall crawl back in my hole...

Not sure exactly how it goes but along the lines of....by Churchill

Yes Madam I am drunk....and in the morning I will be sober....whereas you are Ugly, how will you wake up tomorrow ???

and anonymous

Did you ever consider suing your parents for allowing you to be born.

I think my parents already had the papers ready... but to this day they are not signed (i hope)

Wow, Patsycat, some abstract posts there - grab hold of the reins, heels down and wait till the horse gets tired before regaining control!!!

If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose. :o

If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose. :o

I have heard this said about exposives!

Not being gripped by false modesty ( a fault of which I am never guilty), I must say, the best insults are those which we make up ourselves, on the spur of the moment – in the heat of battle – so to speak.

This said, I offer these two:

This one TM wrote to a particularly annoying know-it-all member who called himself “Professor Fart” (whatever happened to him?) and was convinced he had a sense of humour:

If wit was shit, you would only, unfortunately, Professer, Fart.

This other one was in reply to a member who criticised Merton for calling him a “silly billy”, saying it was a term only used by his grandmother – to which TM replied:

My grandmother told me she uses “silly billy” because “Wancker” implies that the person, so called, has something that would fit in her tiny hand. Unfortunately in her experience, she said, this was never the case.

Thomas you prick

There's a favorite insult

totster :o

Do you have to try hard or does it come naturally?

People say that you're not fit to live with pigs. But I always stand up for you....I tell them you are.

:o

Do you have to try hard or does it come naturally?

With BM it comes naturally.. :o

totster :D

Thomas you prick

There's a favorite insult

totster :o

Which reminds me of this old story:

Charlie was visiting a Television station and found himself in the audience to a quiz/game show.

Every recording the quizmaster used to spotlight one seat in the audience and ask the question, “What would you say if you had the head of an ass?” If the chosen one could come up with a witty response, they would win a prize.

Charlie, of course was the one chosen that night, but unfortunately, he was completely speechless when asked the question.

Totally dismayed by his stupidity being demonstrated on national Television, Charlie resolved to engineer a second visit to the show, months later, and that he would be chosen again.

But first he enrolled for a six month intensive course at the Groucho Marx School of Quick Retorts. He spent hours doing extra work and homework – practicing throughout every moment he was awake - even dreaming perfect answers.

The time came for Charlie to visit the show again. This time he was completely confident he had a host of suitable, witty replies, guaranteed to win the prize.

The time came and the quizmaster highlighted Charlie’s place, “What would you say if you had the head of an ass?”

Charlie took a deep breath, looked directly at the camera, and without hesitation said, “Fukc off”

heard this one the other week, when a guy was talking about a particular dim wit

"He's wetter than an Haddock's swimsuit"

Made me chuckle at the time :o

Which reminds me of this old story:

Blah blah blah.... :o

totster :D

Which reminds me of this old story:

Blah blah blah.... :o

totster :D

You're getting better, Tots - you must have spent at least 12 months on that course practising for that one.

I bet you laugh at your silent ones as well.

Hey #### ###, I stuck up for you today. Someone said you eat shit sandwiches, and I told them "you don't like bread".

The best part of you ran down your daddy's leg.

You are about as useful as tits on a boar pig (my dad's favourite) :o

You're as useful as anal warts.

When God gave out brains, you thought he said trains and asked for a slow one.

When God gave out looks, you thought he said books and asked for a thick one.

When God gave out faces, you thought he said "places" and asked for the last one.

Somebody saying to me while typing on here, "is that you boonme?" :o

He couldn't score in a whorehouse with a five pound note and a doctor's line.

(Back when five pounds was a lot of money)

"je te pisse a la raie" ou "je te pisse dans la gueule"

which was wrongly translated to "I piss into your general direction" in MP :o

French has a lot of colorful expressions that a direct translation can't give justice

"J'encule les mouches en vol" ou "j'ai chier dans la colle" are two of my favorite expressions.

Google might be helpful at this stage

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