Am I too old to have more children and do it all again?

[Wasa]

Have been reading TV for a few months now, and one thing for sure is that there is a lot of experience in here.

 

So I wanted to pose a dilemma which I'm sure many here on TV have encountered......

 

I'm mid-fifties, married and divorced once which was followed by a de facto relationship for 21 years. One child from the first marriage, one child from second and also raised a stepson from 18mths old to adulthood in the de facto relationship.

 

First marriage I was just too young and that marriage ended after just two years. The de facto relationship which followed I realized pretty early on in to it that I'd made another mistake, however, I just toughed it out until my youngest left home and then I left, which was a relief to both my ex partner and I. I have a very good relationship with all of the kids.......

 

Anyway, no more farang ladies for me!!

 

I have been coming to Thailand for around three years now and living and working here for the past year on a WP. I love the Thai girls and their culture and have had relationships with all sorts of girls here.

 

The only problem I have is that the girls I go out with are a bit younger than me and most seem to want children, which is understandable. Now I have met a lovely girl that I really like, and for the first time in three years I have a live in girlfriend. We did discuss the children subject at first, but haven't raised it since.

 

Over the last couple of years I've kind of entertained the idea of having more kids. But now I am back in Australia for three weeks on a work related visit and being here in a Western country again has reminded me of the realities involved in having children. I had kind of forgotten about it all as my kids are well into their twenties, but now after being here in Aussie for a couple of weeks I just find myself looking at it in a totally negative frame of mind...... 

 

So what to do?? I think when I go back to Thailand next week the first thing I'm gonna do is sit the girlfriend down and have the children conversation to see what comes out of that. She hasn't got any kids which is one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place, cos I don't know if I can raise another step child......But it's probably not fair on her to expect her to stay with me childless if she really has a strong biological urge for offspring.

 

I live in Pattaya and it is literally possible to have a different girl every night, which I did for quite a while....but the attraction of that can wear off after a while, and because I have a fairly demanding job I can't sit in a bar every night looking for a new girl to bring home....

 

So what should I do?

 

Should I just date older ladies who are past having children.....hhmmmm I don't think so? Or find a girl who already has children and just accept I may have to be a stepfather of sorts.....I don't really want this again......or just live alone for the rest of my days? 

 

I'm fit and healthy, not fat and physically capable of raising kids.

 

One of my friends just suggested I go have a vasectomy and not tell my girlfriend.......but as I said, I think this is not fair on her.

 

I'd be interested to know what has been the experience of others who have faced this situation....what decision did you make and if you did have kids how did it go?

 

[cooked]

I married a girl 10 years younger and got landed with a grandchild, that we love to bits. Ok up to now but I am now 66 and maybe won't be seeing the results of her education as she is very bright. I have no idea how things will turn out for her but I want her to do at least some schooling in Europe, which complicates things. The girls here just have kids all over the pace, difficult to keep track sometimes, it's a part of life. They are sometimes used as a lever to extract money from their fathers, but that doesn't have to be the case. Up to you, do you want kids or not, do you have the energy and finances to look after them?

[ttthailand]

OP, I am in the exact same boat as you. I will be watching this topic.
I have a few friends in their fifties who have small children and they seem to do fine so perhaps it would be ok. Money however is needed to educate them correctly.

[kiniyow]

All this kid raising is behind me...I no longer want a part of it..My Golden Years to travel and do the fun things is now...Kids tie me down and I will most likely Die before I ever see them grown..Not Fair to the child or the Mom..Where will the funds come from to finish the job if I'm not here?

  I see Daily old men with young kids..What were they thinking? There Not going to live long enough to see the Finished Product.....Kids is for Young Parents not a Young wife and old Father~~~

[AnotherOneAmerican]

No relationship is complete without your own children, under 60 and you're still good to go.
Lots of old guys on these forums will tell you different, but it isn't true.

Your choices,
Live alone, it's not so bad.
Get married and have a baby, that's good too.
It's better than all the sad old guys with essentially a live in maid.

[up-country_sinclair]

No relationship is complete without your own children

 

You've got to be kidding---or trolling. 

 

I can assure you that my relationship with my wife is complete and there aren't (and won't be) any children.  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.
 

[AnotherOneAmerican]

No relationship is complete without your own children

 
You've got to be kidding---or trolling. 
 
I can assure you that my relationship with my wife is complete and there aren't (and won't be) any children.  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

I wonder if she thinks the same?

[robertthebruce]

Don't bother enjoy your free years, any child coming into your life would be a tie, either now or in the future...

[up-country_sinclair]

 

 

No relationship is complete without your own children

 
You've got to be kidding---or trolling. 
 
I can assure you that my relationship with my wife is complete and there aren't (and won't be) any children.  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

 

I wonder if she thinks the same?

 

 

Well, let me put your mind at ease:  She does. 

 

Maybe you missed this part of my post:  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

 

Trips to the mall, a restaurant or airport frequently include a knowing glance shared between us that says, " Thank god we don't have kids".

[benalibina]

No relationship is complete without your own children

 
You've got to be kidding---or trolling. 
 
I can assure you that my relationship with my wife is complete and there aren't (and won't be) any children.  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

I wonder if she thinks the same?

Am always surprised by posters who live with a woman and claim the said women are happy to NOT have or get any children. Not to say it not possible ofcourse but highly unlikely.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

Maybe you missed this part of my post:  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

I've always found men who claim to know what their wife is thinking are invariably wrong.
To be fair, I've done it too, I used to claim my wife and I loved each other and were perfectly happy.
But asking her, she claimed she had hated me with all her heart for over 10 years.
Now I know better than to claim I speak for a woman, any woman.

Like Benalibina says, most Thai ladies (of fertile age) appear to want children. Edited August 9, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[up-country_sinclair]

 

Maybe you missed this part of my post:  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

I've always found men who claim to know what their wife is thinking are invariably wrong.

Like Benalibina says, most Thai ladies (of fertile age) appear to want children.

 

 

 

So, I don't know what my wife is thinking (and saying and doing) about choosing to be childfree, but somehow you know what "most Thai women want".

 

Priceless. 

[Loptr]

 

Maybe you missed this part of my post:  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

I've always found men who claim to know what their wife is thinking are invariably wrong.

Like Benalibina says, most Thai ladies (of fertile age) appear to want children.

 

 

The man said it was his and his wife's decision...  Why belabor the point?

[AnotherOneAmerican]

So, I don't know what my wife is thinking (and saying and doing) about choosing to be childfree, but somehow you know what "most Thai women want".
 
Priceless. 

"appear to want"
There is a difference.

[benalibina]

 

Maybe you missed this part of my post:  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

I've always found men who claim to know what their wife is thinking are invariably wrong.

Like Benalibina says, most Thai ladies (of fertile age) appear to want children.
 

 
The man said it was his and his wife's decision...  Why belabor the point?

Human nature .....maybe....and...not willing to sound negative.....TIT....

[up-country_sinclair]

My wife came into the room a few minutes ago and I showed her a couple of the posts on this thread.  After she rolled her eyes and asked why anyone would think to know better about her/our choices than her/us, we shared another one of those knowing glances.

 

 

[Headgame]

No relationship is complete without your own children

 
You've got to be kidding---or trolling. 
 
I can assure you that my relationship with my wife is complete and there aren't (and won't be) any children.  We are childfree by choice and couldn't be happier with our decision.

I wonder if she thinks the same?

Am always surprised by posters who live with a woman and claim the said women are happy to NOT have or get any children. Not to say it not possible ofcourse but highly unlikely.

Two more male authorities on women.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

My wife came into the room a few minutes ago and I showed her a couple of the posts on this thread.  After she rolled her eyes and asked why anyone would think to know better about her/our choices than her/us, we shared another one of those knowing glances.

Many men have a wife that lies to them, and they never know.
I do know that, because I had such a wife.
Is your wife honest and faithful to you?
Only time can tell (not you, and not me).

[up-country_sinclair]

 

My wife came into the room a few minutes ago and I showed her a couple of the posts on this thread.  After she rolled her eyes and asked why anyone would think to know better about her/our choices than her/us, we shared another one of those knowing glances.

Many men have a wife that lies to them, and they never know.
I do know that, because I had such a wife.
Is your wife honest and faithful to you?
Only time can tell (not you, and not me).

 

 

 

As far as I'm concerned, you've crossed the line of acceptable forum etiquette with your question about my wife.  Worthy of a banning or suspension I would think.

[LaraC]

If you are mid 50's, then "bit younger" would be what..5 years younger than you..max 10? So you are talking about a woman in her mid 40s and up.
MOst of them would surely already have had kids.

Anyway, your mate who said go get a vasectomy and not tell her (thereby cheating a woman out making a choice to give up the chance of kids or not), is an assh0le

[benalibina]

If you are mid 50's, then "bit younger" would be what..5 years younger than you..max 10? So you are talking about a woman in her mid 40s and up.
MOst of them would surely already have had kids.

Anyway, your mate who said go get a vasectomy and not tell her (thereby cheating a woman out making a choice to give up the chance of kids or not), is an assh0le

Yes, your last sentence is absolutely correct. Any relationship living a lie is doomed and to give a woman the hope to have children later by withholding vital personal information is bad, very bad.

[DogNo1]

I think that it's quite variable. I know of several foreigners married to Japanese women. Two couples are childless by choice. I don't know the women's true feelings but they appear to be happy. Some women love their husbands so much that they are willing to forgo having children. One friend who is dead now married at the age of sixty and had a wonderful relationship with his twin daughters until he died of liver failure and pneumonia at the age of seventy-four. He was a painter and was aware that the end was coming so he painted lots of oil paintings before he died that his wife and daughters are gradually selling off. His paintings have gradually increased in value so that they now sell for $40,000 to $50,000 each. I still have lunch with the daughters occasionally and they are grateful that they had fourteen years with such a wonderful father. Of course he also had children from his first marriage who were living independently when he remarried. So to sum up, it is my observation that each couple has a unique relationship depending on their personalities. If you love the woman that you propose to marry, the viability of your relationship would depend on either her willingness to not have children or your willingness to have children and love them but you should both be certain that you truly accept the choice that you make. Wishing you much happiness.

[David48]

Any chance of a ceasefire and returning to the OP?

 

Great ... thanks ... 

[David48]

OK Wasa ... awesome first post and welcome to the Forum ... 

 

I am not so different from you ... a younger, but ballpark.

 

My choices didn't come down to ... I've found a nice Lady and she wants Children ... do I?

 

My choices were to find the Partner who I wanted to be together with for a long time and then decide if we wanted children.

 

I have and we did.

 

 

Just some facts ... and I'm not asking her age.

 

If your gf is of the age of 35 or younger, there is a good chance that she and you have a reasonable chance of conceiving.

 

Once the general age of 35 is reached, the likelyhood or a non-assisted conception diminishes.

 

Sure, there will be stories of Mothers, in their 40's bearing a child ... but that, medically, is the minority.

 

Source

 

As you can see from the graph above ... the age of 35 is a rough cross-over point.

 

By the age of 35, according to this chart a woman has approximately 6% of her ovarian reserves left.

.

[beano2274]

Am 47, wife is 30, am thinking of having a child with her, do not worry about what people think or say, and am in Germany.

 

From my previous marriage my daughter is 25 and my son 22, my daughter would love a sister. My mum thinks am still too old but am not worried, my wife and I have been talking about it for a long time, and next year the plans will hopefully become reality.

[David48]

Some medical stuff ...

 

If you do deicide to commit to having a Family ... where are the 3 of you going to live?

 

If that's Thailand ... do you have enough coin to support the Family?

If that's going to be the West ... has she visited your Country ... she may not like it there.

 

If you have decided to stay in Thailand ... have you asked where your gf will want to live once the child is born?

A move back to her home village or surrounds might be a request by her.

Again, not by every woman ... but a common occurrence.

 

Ignore the naysayers who say that you are to old to have kids.

My Dad was around your age when I was born ... and boy ... was I glad for that decision ... 

 

That's the technical stuff I can help with.

 

The question is then you have to look into your Heart and see what the answer is in there.

 

My Partner and I had Twin boys earlier this year ... and I / We are over the moon with joy.

 

 

If you want to take part of this conversation into a PM ... my doors open for you.

 

It's such a big decision, it's always good to chew the fat.

.

[Traxster]

If your paternal instincts are giving you problems go anx volunteer at one of the many......too many.....
orphanages that are scattered around the city.

[giddyup]

 

My wife came into the room a few minutes ago and I showed her a couple of the posts on this thread.  After she rolled her eyes and asked why anyone would think to know better about her/our choices than her/us, we shared another one of those knowing glances.

Many men have a wife that lies to them, and they never know.
I do know that, because I had such a wife.
Is your wife honest and faithful to you?
Only time can tell (not you, and not me).

 

Another poor loser who's been badly burnt and thinks that everyone else has a woman as deceitful as his own.

 

[Wasa]

If you are mid 50's, then "bit younger" would be what..5 years younger than you..max 10? So you are talking about a woman in her mid 40s and up.
MOst of them would surely already have had kids.

Anyway, your mate who said go get a vasectomy and not tell her (thereby cheating a woman out making a choice to give up the chance of kids or not), is an assh0le

 

 

Hi LaraC, yeah, I probably understated the age bit.....my girlfriend is 30.

 

I agree with you on the vasectomy thing, it would be really unfair to her and I don't think I could live long term with a lie like that between us, I think I'll just be setting myself up for another failed relationship if I go down that road. 

 

After my two previous experiences, I've made a pact with myself that if I ever enter into another long term relationship it's gonna be completely open and honest from day one......no BS, no pretences, and all my cards on the table, warts and all. If she wants to stay with me after knowing all my good and bad points, and I want to stay with her after knowing hers, then we can each make an informed decision and hopefully stand a reasonable chance of long term success. 

 

Otherwise, I'm strong enough within myself these days to just walk away and carry on what I'm doing. At 55 I can't afford to repeat the mistakes of the past......

[Wasa]

OK Wasa ... awesome first post and welcome to the Forum ... 

 

I am not so different from you ... a younger, but ballpark.

 

My choices didn't come down to ... I've found a nice Lady and she wants Children ... do I?

 

My choices were to find the Partner who I wanted to be together with for a long time and then decide if we wanted children.

 

I have and we did.

 

 

Just some facts ... and I'm not asking her age.

 

If your gf is of the age of 35 or younger, there is a good chance that she and you have a reasonable chance of conceiving.

 

Once the general age of 35 is reached, the likelyhood or a non-assisted conception diminishes.

 

Sure, there will be stories of Mothers, in their 40's bearing a child ... but that, medically, is the minority.

 

Source

 

As you can see from the graph above ... the age of 35 is a rough cross-over point.

 

By the age of 35, according to this chart a woman has approximately 6% of her ovarian reserves left.

.