Please help me, with my wife's kids.

[harrry]

I raised once 5 step-kids for 19 years and I would never ever do it again. On the end you will hear you are not my father after bringing three of them through ISB in Bangkok.

Never ever again will I take someone's kid again. Now I have my own 2 year old son.

in 17 years you will hear the same from him.

Don't think so but any way he is at least my child. BTW My 5 step kids were not Thai's but Singaporeans.

Doesn't matter who he is, round pubity you are sure to hear that from him.

A few years later they often come round again. (And I was not suggesting for a moment that he was not your natural kid.)

[Robroona]

Bought boy an X Box. Played with it for 2 days.

Bought him 3 bicycles. Lost,stolen or broken, so unused.

When going to restaurants, even at 12 years old he ordered several dishes and ate little. So when he was TOLD what food he was getting, he refused to eat it.

He flatly refused to learn English with a tutor and then I found out it was a school subject. Never heard him utter a word of English in 4 years. Even his mother is fluent,recognises the advantage of speaking English, but could not get it over to him.

Refused to do elementary things such as close fly screens etc. flush toilets whatever.

I never seen him help his Mom in any way in the house.

His big sister was worse. University had made her a wannabe HiSo. A leech who demanded, and got what she asked from her mother, who was entirely funded my me. Her mother once made a 100 km motor cycle trip at night because daughter had run out of money.

The poor woman, who had grown up in abject poverty herself just accepted everything as if it was the natural way of the world. Even when she knew we were breaking up, and was pretty cut up about it all, she felt she could do nothing to influence their behaviour.

I call her now and again, barely surviving. Terrible way to have to be

[huawei]

This thread should be renamed " there are decent foreigners out there"..

[eastcanje]

I just had to give up a whole 4 year relationship with a very hardworking and sincere lady because of her 2 kids attitudes to me. I was supporting the daughter at University and putting the son to school. The daughter just hates farangs and was unable to accept that her mother could stoop so low.

When she came home at weekends, the atmosphere was always terrible and she influenced her brother badly. He was OK during the week, but totally changed each weekend. I even rented a small apartment for her to weekend in, but she wouldn't clean it, was always pestering her mother for food and clothes etc. I provide her with a motor cycle etc. but she basically refused to acknowledge that I existed.

Eventually the situation was so bad that we agreed on a separation as I do not have the right to ask the mother to choose between me and her family. I helped her set up a business but her daughter refuses to hep at weekends, so now they are all surviving on what the mother earns selling street food. Proud woman and I loved her dearly, but sometimes you have to break away.

Sad situation, Rob...; my sympathies.

[maprao]

Interesting post Costas. Looking for success stories. I would like to hear them please

My 2 one is great (still young), the other is a disrespectful oxygen theif!

The mother will always protect "her cubs" especially if you understand the way they have been brought up i.e. you will always come in this order parents her kids her brothers and sisters then you. Trying to fix it our way with discipline will not work. I support with school essentials after next year the crunch will come...If he wants to enjoy the environment I provide he had better get a job!

I have a friends that put their foot down with the support of his Thai wife only to have her son alienate her. She has lost contact with her son. I think she sided with him to protect the private education he was providing her daughter otherwise she would not have supported him.

It is a lose lose lose situation. Transam hit the nail on the head in all his posts.

[FritsSikkink]

You have to be tough sometimes. They are not your friends, you have to educate them.

You will gain no respect ever if you are only mr. nice guy.

[Cypress Hill]

You sent them away to private boarding schools at 12 and 13 and reinforced their suspicions that you were getting them out of the way so you could focus on their mother.

Frankly, I don't think your intentions were as pure as you make out.

Sure, I have no doubt whatsoever that you wanted to give them a better chance in life but that imperative wasn't, I suspect, as important to you as the opportunity you'd have to improve the quality of the life you'd have with their mother in their absence. Expecting them to be grateful for the chance at a better education when kids at that age can't see any further into the future than the next round of World of Warcraft was naive. Still, I'm sure it earned you brownie points with their mother.

I shouldn't imagine that any pre-pubescent kids WANT to be packed off to boarding school away from friends at their current school while some farang guy bangs their mother.

SImple mistake that anyone could make but, now, you should just focus on keeping your wife as happy as you can given the circumstances

[F4UCorsair]

I had a similar problem with my partner's kids in Australia.

They wanted help with projects, etc., but refused point blank to do anything I asked, not juust passive refusal, but telling me they wouldn't do it.

I told the mother to fix it, and she tried, but couldn't, so I walked out.

I would never recommend putting yourself up as a step parent, and whilst there are a few successes, of varying levels, the failures far outnumber them.

There doesn't sound like there will be a siccessful resolution to your situation Costas.

Edited September 27, 2014 by F4UCorsair

[transam]

You sent them away to private boarding schools at 12 and 13 and reinforced their suspicions that you were getting them out of the way so you could focus on their mother.

Frankly, I don't think your intentions were as pure as you make out.

Sure, I have no doubt whatsoever that you wanted to give them a better chance in life but that imperative wasn't, I suspect, as important to you as the opportunity you'd have to improve the quality of the life you'd have with their mother in their absence. Expecting them to be grateful for the chance at a better education when kids at that age can't see any further into the future than the next round of World of Warcraft was naive. Still, I'm sure it earned you brownie points with their mother.

I shouldn't imagine that any pre-pubescent kids WANT to be packed off to boarding school away from friends at their current school while some farang guy bangs their mother.

SImple mistake that anyone could make but, now, you should just focus on keeping your wife as happy as you can given the circumstances

Do you know how many kids in LOS are packed off somewhere cos their father has packed off..

It's the norm that kids are brought up with grandma or aunty. This ain't farangland.

But saying that, hi-so kids are sent to boarding schools to learn in the UK.........

[louse1953]

Costa,discuss this with your wife,and tell her the kids make you miserable.Stay for a week and maybe a short tour of local area and pop in now and again,until holidays are over.This is only a test run until they finish school and come home for good.Then what you gunna do,blood thicker than water you know.

[greenchair]

Idid everything for my stepdaughter whose mother died. Never an ounce of thanks. When i got a new bo with a kid, I kept that life ofhis seperate. I have never seen the child in 15 years and it has been our blessing. My husband supports the child and I know they have a reasonable relationship. I suggest you pay another family member to care for them during the holiday. Let your wife be involved with them, but understand, that this family is her past life and current life to deal with not yours.

If my stepkids want to see me, phone me, I welcome them with open arms, I am always available to them if needed. but i stopped chasing their love and acceptance many years ago. Best thing I ever did.

The kids have got to go

[cbluck58]

Tough call - at 12 and 13 you might still have a chance to save them as long as your wife doesn't spoil them but it is a slim one.

You can try the ingratiating methodology I suppose but it looks as if that might make things worse - put them in a temple for the duration , that might at least teach them some respect and introspection.

[rotary]

Forget them and pretend they do not exist to the best of your ability & hope they have to do time in the Military that might make them men.

[khunpa]

My 17 year old step-son has the mindset of a 12 year old, but still thinks he is an adult now. (Teenager) That said, he respects me and we get along quite well. Sometimes he helps me with work and earns a bit from that. Other times we go to the movies together and so on.

Most of the times when he "fxxks up" something or gets into trouble, I let his mother handle it. If he really gets into big trouble or do something really stupid, then she asks me for help. But basically he is a good boy - unless when the hormones take over. For sure not the smartest guy on earth, but at least he does not do drugs, fighting etc.

I think it is important that you as a family do things together, so they feel a part of the family. But as someone else said, it also depends on the mother and how she deals with things. If they are raised as real Thai-boys (meaning not raised properly at all), then it can be a big problem.

Edited September 27, 2014 by khunpa

[arthurwait]

Often the case with stepkids the world over, with thai boys/men with no discpline it must be a nightmare.

Edited September 27, 2014 by arthurwait

[louse1953]

Sound like normal boys, like the two my wife's sister has. She married a farang....and for the past 8 years the boys were nothing but strangers and rabble rousers to him. The mom buys them brand new cars, houses, motorbikes, and the 15 year old gets to stay out of school and do the wild thing with all the girls (takes them to his own house). The Canadian surrogate father says nothing....nothing.....

15 year old runs his motorbike gang 24/7.

She paid to get the 15 year old a high school diploma and then put him in college. He never goes.

The 19 year old has impregnated 3 girls from good families and the mom adopted 2 of the kids....who will also be strangers to the farang grandfather. The families of the girls asked for the right thing (sin sod and marriage)..and were laughed out of the house by the mom. So much for that fantasy custom.

There is the problem right there.Give,give give.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

A lotta doormats posting on TV.

Toughen up or be doormats for the rest of your lives.

When they say "you aren't my dad"

You reply "you aren't my children, why are you still in my house?"

(OK, so it's a bit of a problem if you bought the woman a house with your money.)

Edited September 27, 2014 by AnotherOneAmerican

[arthurwait]

A lotta doormats posting on TV.

Toughen up or be doormats for the rest of your lives.

You didnt marry your sister in law in the end then ?

[OxfordWill]

Can you get senior Thai males in their environment on side? If they see you accepted by their seniors this will help.

[AnotherOneAmerican]

A lotta doormats posting on TV.

Toughen up or be doormats for the rest of your lives.

You didnt marry your sister in law in the end then ?

I only have a (rented) gf.

I wouldn't marry any woman stupid enough to have a man like me for a husband.

[louse1953]

Bought boy an X Box. Played with it for 2 days.

Bought him 3 bicycles. Lost,stolen or broken, so unused.

When going to restaurants, even at 12 years old he ordered several dishes and ate little. So when he was TOLD what food he was getting, he refused to eat it.

He flatly refused to learn English with a tutor and then I found out it was a school subject. Never heard him utter a word of English in 4 years. Even his mother is fluent,recognises the advantage of speaking English, but could not get it over to him.

Refused to do elementary things such as close fly screens etc. flush toilets whatever.

I never seen him help his Mom in any way in the house.

His big sister was worse. University had made her a wannabe HiSo. A leech who demanded, and got what she asked from her mother, who was entirely funded my me. Her mother once made a 100 km motor cycle trip at night because daughter had run out of money.

The poor woman, who had grown up in abject poverty herself just accepted everything as if it was the natural way of the world. Even when she knew we were breaking up, and was pretty cut up about it all, she felt she could do nothing to influence their behaviour.

I call her now and again, barely surviving. Terrible way to have to be

I have no idea why they kotow to these child tyrants,but they do.It is not doing them any favours for the future,but it's their life,you can't live it for them.You neen a happy life also.

[Cypress Hill]

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

You sent them away to private boarding schools at 12 and 13 and reinforced their suspicions that you were getting them out of the way so you could focus on their mother.

Frankly, I don't think your intentions were as pure as you make out.

Sure, I have no doubt whatsoever that you wanted to give them a better chance in life but that imperative wasn't, I suspect, as important to you as the opportunity you'd have to improve the quality of the life you'd have with their mother in their absence. Expecting them to be grateful for the chance at a better education when kids at that age can't see any further into the future than the next round of World of Warcraft was naive. Still, I'm sure it earned you brownie points with their mother.

I shouldn't imagine that any pre-pubescent kids WANT to be packed off to boarding school away from friends at their current school while some farang guy bangs their mother.

SImple mistake that anyone could make but, now, you should just focus on keeping your wife as happy as you can given the circumstances

Do you know how many kids in LOS are packed off somewhere cos their father has packed off.. alt=rolleyes.gif>

It's the norm that kids are brought up with grandma or aunty. This ain't farangland.

But saying that, hi-so kids are sent to boarding schools to learn in the UK.........

No, why? Do YOU know how many of those kids are packed off somewhere by their mother's newly-arrived, elderly farang husband?

I'm talking about the OP's situation based on information that he, himself, has provided . . . not national statistics

[beachproperty]

Costas ...here is a post I did almost a year ago!

"I know....I know....its Way too early to talk about Christmas. But, for me. the most fabulous thing just happened. The wife and I were away for the weekend. When we came back today my adopted Thai daughter (She's 21 now ...raised her since she was 14)...had bought a small fake Christmas tree with ornaments. Kinda made me go all soft inside at her thoughtful jester.

Have to go back when she was 14.....That's when her mother, this daughter and I started to live together...Well from day one, at 14 years old, she used to stay out EVERY night until 2am -3am. I live in Bangkok and at the time we were living near Su On Puu/ Sathorn. WELL.....I told my wife this has got to stop.....and she agreed but didn't know what to do....I told her No Problem ....let me handle it. So that night at dinner I told her she can go out but be home at 10pm...she said OK....10pm comes and she's nowhere in sight.....Told my wife lock the door (with the inside latch) and lets go to bed....Darned if at 2am the doorbell rings....I tell my wife don't answer it...so she rings and rings ...then she calls my wife on the phone ...I tell my wife don't answer it.....so she doesn't.....after a few minutes the phone stops ringing ....soon thereafter I hear some racket on the aluminum awning ( she climbed up and went through the window to get into her room....Thought to myself ...OK...

Next day we don't say anything to her ...she goes to school ...comes home for dinner ....and says she's going out....OK but be home by 10pm...she says OK

NOW when 10 pm comes and NO DAUGHTER I tell my wife lock the doors (again with the inside latch) AND this time I go upstairs and LOCK all the windows and any upstairs access.....And as the night before she comes home at 2am and we go through the same routine except this time the daughter CAN'T get in the house. She rings the doorbell again, call again, rings the doorbell again...and on and on for 15 minutes....'

My wife is crying now and begging me to let her in......I tell her OK BUT ...tell our daughter that in the future if she wants to come home after 10pm ...DON'T BOTHER...if her friends are that important to her she can go live with them ....

Long story short ....she NEVER came home after 10pm again....and is the most thoughtful, loving and caring daughter a father could ask for....

The Christmas Tree jester is just one of the few thoughtful and kind thing she has done (My wife and daughter are devote Buddhists so Christmas is something not celebrated by them)

Now maybe I'm reading too much into this and she is just hinting not to forget her for Christmas...but I still thought is was nice

Anybody else have great stories to tell about their wife or children....Please do ...would love to hear them"

Please forgive the spelling mistakes but point is ...for me and Thai children...I believe "tough love" works best.

[tartempion]

All very sad and I know it is the same with many farang friends I know.

What baffles me is why farangs who start relationships with Thai women don't use their brain before they commit. It should be obvious that a relationship with a Thai woman with kids is a guarantee for BIG trouble.

It seems to me that only a minority of farangs have a relationship with a Thai woman without kids. For me no kids was a must, pure preservation.

What happened is that her brother impregnated a 14 year young girl, the girl's mother built them a house and 3 months after a daughter was born the young mother threw the father out, she got herself a newer male model. We sent the brother off to work in Taiwan and are raising the girl. She is 3.5 and we have a happy life so far.

Sometimes she acts difficult, I then asks her if she wants to stay at her grandmother's house, she then turns sweet immediately.

The grandmother was housing a male grandchild who was 10 when we built a house 1 km away and I offered to teach English to the boy. Never did he show interest in anything.

Today he's 20, lazy as hell, a thief and a jaba addict.

But he hit the jackpot: off to the army on October first...hope they will teach him.

OP, there is no advice I can give you, I can only feel sorry for the thousands of farangs and the hundreds of thousands Thai kids abandoned by their parents, a shame really this seams so ordinary in this country.

[Scully]

In my experience Thai boys without dads are brought up by granny and mum, they are spoilt rotten and treated like gods. If you don't catch them young it can be too late, if it was me I would stop funds and make them do something for their keep.

[Cypress Hill]

What baffles me is why farangs who start relationships with Thai women don't use their brain before they commit. It should be obvious that a relationship with a Thai woman with kids is a guarantee for BIG trouble.

It IS obvious. People just ignore it.

[AlexRRR]

I want to thank you guys for reminding me why i only search for a childless woman.....i almost forget there for a moment.

[JLCrab]

How boring it would be if everyone knew what is obvious.

[DekDaeng]

Thai intellectual superiority. ;-)

Like it or lump it. Or hike it.

[Krataiboy]

Generally speaking, Thai mothers are strict with their daughters and spoil their sons. This is partly for religious reasons (women are worth less than men according to Buddhist tradition) and partly to save their daughters from unwanted pregnancy. The more you lock horns with a Thai stepson, the more he and she will resent it, the closer will become their relationship and the wider the stretch of blue water between you and the woman you have given your love and life to. Just pray the two budding alpha males you have been looking after without a shred of appreciation on their behalf flee the nest for good and leave you to enjoy at least a few strife-free years with your chosen partner.