Disciplining Thai Children - what's your take?

[tommybhill]

Tell your GF to get a grip of her son. There is no excuse for poor discipline.

[khunPer]

OP, it’s a different culture – some states, that Thais don’t educate their children before they are teens (perhaps never the sons).

Honestly I think it may be difficult for a foreigner to change – but give it a try – else I cannot think of anything better than the advises from h90 (#2) and Costas (#3)...

And just for info, my first Thai GF had a small son – I was lucky to find out she mostly were “gold digging”, so that made it easy for me to quit before the son became the problem.

Edited November 28, 2014 by khunPer

[Gandtee]

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I have read every post here and it seems to me the op has a lot to deal with. This is reading between the lines but it appears he really doesnot want advice.on how to deal with it unless it is advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem.He cannot accept sage advice. Reading his replies he appears to be in denial. Old hands who know the family culture here know and have told him, that it willnot get better but get worse its up to him now. Stay in the relationship and try to make it work (if he does best of luck to him)or leave before it gets unbearable..

Yes and no. Whilst I didn't post specifically asking for advice, just people's opinions and experiences, a lot of advice was given. If I wanted advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem why would I post several times that I agree its time to end it? I didn't deny any advice nor am I in denial. I just don't like how people automatically assume I've fallen for a gold digger and she's onlyy with me for the money I (don't) have, subtley calling me a naive idiot as I see it..

I would think that the kid sees you as an interloper taking his mothers attention and affection from him.Living with his grandparents and then his mum turning up with you he most probably wants her to himself? Knowing you supply her with the money he sees you as a cash cow. If as you say, you are only visiting, why not let her visit on her own?. It won't alter the fact that he will want money. He is after all your stepson and now partly your responsibility. Maybe,it will help to sit him down and through his mother you tell him that you are not a threat and that you will treat him like a son, but only if he behaves himself. To threaten to leave them maybe just the outcome he wants? alt=coffee1.gif width=32 height=24> Here endeth the first lesson

Again how can he know I supply her with money when I don't? Like I said before I made the dire mistake of spending a whole 150bht on him to keep him occupied whilst his mum bought groceries and he seems to assume I'm made of it. Re visiting alone; so was I meant to rip up the tickets she bought me when she gave them to me?

Wow! You spent a whole. bt150 on him and your wife bought the air tickets! Forget my previous post. If I was her I would do the running.

[Kaalle]

I have never seen a spanking in Thailand, only words.

Yeah im also bothered by the fact that I haven't witnessed any child abuse here, maybe you can open a kindergarten were you beat the kids since the lazy parents wont do it?

[Globeman]

RHe definitely wont move in with me. I make it quite clear to all my girlfriends that they need to work just like I do, I'm not made of money and they need to pick up the cheque and pay for groceries every now and then. Had a lot call me a cheap b*****d and walk away because of this. I'm the first falang many in this village have ever seen so I doubt he got the idea from one of her exs in fact many of her extended family have told me I'm the first falang shes (or anyone) has ever brought back so "she must really like you". He looks at me like an ATM because I made the mistake of taking him to KFC and playing a couple of video games at the arcade whilst his mum went shopping. Had a feeling I would be chastisised if I tried to control him. I guess I'll ride it out till we leave and in the future not see any girls with kids.

I have to wonder where the genetic father is...

It beggars belief that women here (and many other places, come to think of it) frequently complain about so-called grown men acting like spoiled brats and being totally irresponsible... and yet they can't seem to make the connection that spoiled men start out as spoiled boys... but their little gods can do no wrong. You could say that women create their own monsters, but I'm really not sure they see the cause and effect at work. They might just be assuming that they are born like that.

Meanwhile, most girls are treated with more discipline and held to higher standards and have to help around the house, etc... and turn out - in general - to be far more responsible and useful to society.

[jamiesilver]

I have seen this too - boys go through stages and if he grew up without a strong father figure and he is Thai - he will treat his mum like a door mat.
If you are to change things unfortunately you will have to stand your ground, never open your wallet again, dont treat him unless he deserves it for exceptional behaviour.
He is probably excited because he has grown up being told by relatives and other thais that if his mum bags a farang boyfriend they will be rich and wont have to work and he can get all the toys he wants!
Im not joking, i hear them talk this crap day in and day out in the villages, bars and on their phones calling home.

Make him aware that you dislike him, if he does something nice, make him aware you approve. Dont just waltz into his life like the farang ATM or thats all you will ever be. Let them love you first and then maybe after 12 months buy him something for his birthday! Thats it...

[connda]

I don't take that type of disrespectful behavior from any kid: Thai, Farang, or otherwise. I would have put the kid in his place immediately, and GF and I would of had a serious heart to heart talk afterward. I've noticed that Thai women tend to dawdle over their kids, my wife included. However my now 21 year old step-son turned out just fine. But I never had discipline problems with him, he was just very shy and quiet. He's breaking out of the shell now.

If you plan on remaining with this gal, get the kid issue solved asap. Best of luck.

[Crazy chef 1]

Without sounding tooooooooooooooo negative, I would never again team up with a bird with kids. Mrs.Trans kids are 19 and 25.........And still a complete pain in the ass......For sure you will end up with some other blokes kids living with you.....Seen it time and time again................

If you try and chastise the kid(s) YOU will be in the wrong...Trust me on that...........

...because mum will buy them a couch and place it in the kitchen...

[connda]

I have never seen a spanking in Thailand, only words.

Yeah im also bothered by the fact that I haven't witnessed any child abuse here, maybe you can open a kindergarten were you beat the kids since the lazy parents wont do it?

I took my licks as a kid at both home and school. I'm not psychologically damaged by the experience like most progressive liberals would like you to believe. Corporal punishment has it's place when used judiciously, and when and where I grew up it was just a right-of-passage as a kid. My parents never abused me, nor my teachers. But I don't expect nanny-state lovers to ever accept that view. Mai bpen rai.

[Crazy chef 1]

I have always been ( and always will be, to the annoyance of other TV forum members) a strong advocate for doing everything possible to save a relationship. But unfortunately the Thai kid thing usually eventually ends as a train smash. Maybe just have some fun as friends.

Sipi you're not an annoyance.. i like your posts...just a little bit lost amongst all the piranhas...

I don't care because i am grumpy by nature...but still realist to keep it balanced...

[ALFREDO]

I dont think 23 is old, do you? In that case how old are you?

You just to young,

for a 10 year young boy as a father figure and as it seems are to old to be a type of friend to him.

In the long term, I believe, it will not work out, that relationship.

You will move on to younger women

and she will have lost some years of her best years to find a fitting man for her future and her kids future.

But, she likes you and your youth, lives for the moment and does, so I think, not care the bigger picture.

[Broeno]

Thai children with this beaviour and ten years old is mostly a mission impossible. His caracter is formed to much already.

Many Thai parents dont know howe to educate their children and never given any structure to them. Most Thai parents think that if you allow children to do what they like, they are good parents.if you try to change him at this age, you will become the bad guy. For him, his mother and her family.

I can't give you any advise because you have to make an choice.

Wish you wisdom.

[watcharacters]

I have had 2 wives in Canada both came with kids. I also had a couple g/f's with kids. It was the same every time. If had a problem with the kid I had to go through her. When I kids became intolerable I dealt with them directly. Mother bear did not like this and the suitcases came out and pooof they were gone. I am 76 now in Thailand for 4 years. I have a great relationship with a 25 year old Thai lady. I stressed right from the start I wanted a non working lady, spoke some English WITH NO KIDS!!!! I offered a package to her and she accepted and has been gold for me since. She never asks for extra's and because of that I do give them from time to time. I am in the promised land.

.

Well done!

[ICECOOL]

Two experiences. My own and a friends

My own is my gf has teenage son who is well disciplined because she demands it and has raised him as such even though he lives with his grandmother and only visits us. He is a great kid and respectful.

My best friend brought his wife's son to live with him for past 7 years and given him an education through an international school but has ended up with the son moving in and out because of lack of discipline. This is because the mother will not back him up and continually goes back on agreements they have to try and bring him under control.

Bottom line. If the mother won't act you cannot do much and I see a lot of grief.

[ALFREDO]

Yep, he's a nice little boy when his mum gives him whatever he wants but when the mean farang says "no you can't have a pancake, you haven't even finished the ice cream your mum bought you" he throws a temper tantrum, I walk away and get a "why don't you like my son you evil devil??" look from mum.. Running does seem like the best option and its gonna be what I'll do but it will have to wait till I'm back to my own home, not too comfortable risking upsetting her when I'm surrounded by all of her family on the other side of the country.

I believe, you, with 23, do not think of a long time future with that mother-woman.

And you do not live together with the young boy, so why get involved in such discussions?

I could not care less if he eats is ice cream or not and orders a pancake instead. Special, if it is, as you write, her own money she spends, at least mostly.

Edited November 28, 2014 by ALFREDO

[Mattbaldacchino]

Funny thing actually. We Took him to the market today and he was on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum because I wouldnt get him some sweets. Stood my ground, stamped my foot and in (broken) thai told him "no that's enough!". The expression on his mum's face was half blank half "where did you learn to say that? !". He now looks down when he walks by and actually said thank you when I passed him something he was reaching for, without his mum making him do it. But yes I'm not too keen on raising him and along with other small issues, including the fact that I've been pondering finding a girl my age with no kids and a steady job for a while, I stil feel its time to call it quits and move on.

[ALFREDO]

I have had 2 wives in Canada both came with kids. I also had a couple g/f's with kids. It was the same every time. If had a problem with the kid I had to go through her. When I kids became intolerable I dealt with them directly. Mother bear did not like this and the suitcases came out and pooof they were gone. I am 76 now in Thailand for 4 years. I have a great relationship with a 25 year old Thai lady. I stressed right from the start I wanted a non working lady, spoke some English WITH NO KIDS!!!! I offered a package to her and she accepted and has been gold for me since. She never asks for extra's and because of that I do give them from time to time. I am in the promised land.

Super, ""has been gold for me since"" =El Dorado= many searched for it, you found it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/El_Dorado

[lovelomsak]

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I have read every post here and it seems to me the op has a lot to deal with. This is reading between the lines but it appears he really doesnot want advice.on how to deal with it unless it is advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem.He cannot accept sage advice. Reading his replies he appears to be in denial. Old hands who know the family culture here know and have told him, that it willnot get better but get worse its up to him now. Stay in the relationship and try to make it work (if he does best of luck to him)or leave before it gets unbearable..

Yes and no. Whilst I didn't post specifically asking for advice, just people's opinions and experiences, a lot of advice was given. If I wanted advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem why would I post several times that I agree its time to end it? I didn't deny any advice nor am I in denial. I just don't like how people automatically assume I've fallen for a gold digger and she's onlyy with me for the money I (don't) have, subtley calling me a naive idiot as I see it..

I would think that the kid sees you as an interloper taking his mothers attention and affection from him.Living with his grandparents and then his mum turning up with you he most probably wants her to himself? Knowing you supply her with the money he sees you as a cash cow. If as you say, you are only visiting, why not let her visit on her own?. It won't alter the fact that he will want money. He is after all your stepson and now partly your responsibility. Maybe,it will help to sit him down and through his mother you tell him that you are not a threat and that you will treat him like a son, but only if he behaves himself. To threaten to leave them maybe just the outcome he wants? alt=coffee1.gif width=32 height=24> Here endeth the first lesson

Again how can he know I supply her with money when I don't? Like I said before I made the dire mistake of spending a whole 150bht on him to keep him occupied whilst his mum bought groceries and he seems to assume I'm made of it. Re visiting alone; so was I meant to rip up the tickets she bought me when she gave them to me?

Sorry for the misunderstanding here.I felt you were discussing your personal position so took it as asking for advice. My fault. You are correct also about denial I should have said defensive.But I didnot think you a naive idiot perhaps unfamiliar with Thai family structure and the foreigners place in it. I never even considered your gf a gold digger,I saw her as a typical thai mother from a small village same as my wife. I read your post 106 and feel you have gotten something from you action to post here and am happy for you. Enjoy your future.

Edited November 28, 2014 by lovelomsak

[Lockind]

Not sure how familiar you are with this forum OP but if you aren't already aware of the general population, most of these guys are significantly older than you. Whilst that's not necessarily a bad thing and they can give good advice, many can't even remember what it was like to be 23, and can't understand that guys our age have more to offer than they do, and that the girls aren't as likely to use us as they would a 60-year old.

So when they start yapping on about ATMs, bar girls, brothers in Isaan and other such cynical anecdotes, the advice isn't as relevant to you as it would be to them.

[CMCMANGOMAN]

Simple. Reward good behavior by the child as well as his mother and conversely, ignore and defund undesirable behavior. This works for dogs, monkeys and people.

[KuhnPaen]

Well, gee....your GF doesn't live with her own son (as many thais do), so the kid probably feels abandoned and is raised by the indifferent (you're not my child) family. I've seen it and gone through it too.

Have a little empathy. He IS a kid, and you are banging his mom.

Just give him what he asks for and enjoy that sweet Thai yam yam of yours.

Consider it the "I'm shagging your mom tax"

Everyone's happy....except maybe you. In that case, throw a rock. You'd be surprised that it might actually land on a girl in Thailand. If you're really lucky, she might even be genetically female.

Edited November 28, 2014 by KuhnPaen

[geronimo]

Drop her like a scolding brick!!!!

[BritManToo]

Not sure how familiar you are with this forum OP but if you aren't already aware of the general population, most of these guys are significantly older than you. Whilst that's not necessarily a bad thing and they can give good advice, many can't even remember what it was like to be 23, and can't understand that guys our age have more to offer than they do, and that the girls aren't as likely to use us as they would a 60-year old.

So when they start yapping on about ATMs, bar girls, brothers in Isaan and other such cynical anecdotes, the advice isn't as relevant to you as it would be to them.

A lot of foolish assumptions in that post.

At 23, what exactly do you think you can you offer a Thai girl?

[Mattbaldacchino]

I have read every post here and it seems to me the op has a lot to deal with. This is reading between the lines but it appears he really doesnot want advice.on how to deal with it unless it is advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem.He cannot accept sage advice. Reading his replies he appears to be in denial. Old hands who know the family culture here know and have told him, that it willnot get better but get worse its up to him now. Stay in the relationship and try to make it work (if he does best of luck to him)or leave before it gets unbearable..

Yes and no. Whilst I didn't post specifically asking for advice, just people's opinions and experiences, a lot of advice was given. If I wanted advice on how to keep the gf and fix the problem why would I post several times that I agree its time to end it? I didn't deny any advice nor am I in denial. I just don't like how people automatically assume I've fallen for a gold digger and she's onlyy with me for the money I (don't) have, subtley calling me a naive idiot as I see it..

I would think that the kid sees you as an interloper taking his mothers attention and affection from him.Living with his grandparents and then his mum turning up with you he most probably wants her to himself? Knowing you supply her with the money he sees you as a cash cow. If as you say, you are only visiting, why not let her visit on her own?. It won't alter the fact that he will want money. He is after all your stepson and now partly your responsibility. Maybe,it will help to sit him down and through his mother you tell him that you are not a threat and that you will treat him like a son, but only if he behaves himself. To threaten to leave them maybe just the outcome he wants? alt=coffee1.gif width=32 height=24> Here endeth the first lesson

Again how can he know I supply her with money when I don't? Like I said before I made the dire mistake of spending a whole 150bht on him to keep him occupied whilst his mum bought groceries and he seems to assume I'm made of it. Re visiting alone; so was I meant to rip up the tickets she bought me when she gave them to me?

Sorry for the misunderstanding here.I felt you were discussing your personal position so took it as asking for advice. My fault. You are correct also about denial I should have said defensive.But I didnot think you a naive idiot perhaps unfamiliar with Thai family structure and the foreigners place in it. I never even considered your gf a gold digger,I saw her as a typical thai mother from a small village same as my wife. I read your post 106 and feel you have gotten something from you action to post here and am happy for you. Enjoy your future.

Didnt say you insulted me sorry if it came out like that. I was referring to the other posters who without explanation started yakking on about how she saw me as a walking ATM and what not.

In my defense many people, both online and in person think just because I'm young and they've been here x amount of years that I know nothing about this place, thai women, family structure etc and they're experts. You'd be surprised how many people's "knowledge and experience" on topics like these actually comes from reading the book Private Dancer.

What they fail to realise is that whilst their life here most likely began at retirement age on a bar stool drooling over a girl half their age, mine began cross legged in the back of a pickup truck sipping on lao khao with people who didnt speak a word of English and I've been absorbing and learning about the culture ever since. Its helped immensely and a lot of girls (including this one) are initially attracted not by money which I dont have, but by my knowledge and understanding of their culture and life..its a never ending learning experience and at times I refer to these forums for the inputs from other farangs and there's always many willing to give advice, both good and bad. For this I am thankful.

Edited November 28, 2014 by Mattbaldacchino

[Globeman]

I have never seen a spanking in Thailand, only words.

Yeah im also bothered by the fact that I haven't witnessed any child abuse here, maybe you can open a kindergarten were you beat the kids since the lazy parents wont do it?

I took my licks as a kid at both home and school. I'm not psychologically damaged by the experience like most progressive liberals would like you to believe. Corporal punishment has it's place when used judiciously, and when and where I grew up it was just a right-of-passage as a kid. My parents never abused me, nor my teachers. But I don't expect nanny-state lovers to ever accept that view. Mai bpen rai.

It depends how it is done. If the parents are doing their job, it shouldn't have to happen very often. And if the parent or the teacher (and there have been lots of the latter) gets a sadistic charge out of it, the kid picks up on the creepiness of the event, and it can scar them - "liberal" or conservative. (I do wish Americans would look up the dictionary definition of the word "liberal" - it doesn't actually mean pinko commie.)

My Dad used to hit us far too readily (and with insufficient evidence). He used to say he was giving us three strokes of the belt and then get carried away in his own rage and give us ten - it seemed like an eternity. When you're seven years old, one or two is enough to get the message across - sometimes a swat can do it (all the other primates employ this method). Am I scarred? Not terribly, I don't think, but I did have to make it very clear to my countryside wife to break that habit of smacking her man all time (lots of them do it - usually because the men deserve it), because I really really do not like being hit - it really sets me off. Oh yeah, and I have problems with "authority"... and I don't doubt that my father's behaviour contributed to that compulsion.

[Globeman]

Not sure how familiar you are with this forum OP but if you aren't already aware of the general population, most of these guys are significantly older than you. Whilst that's not necessarily a bad thing and they can give good advice, many can't even remember what it was like to be 23, and can't understand that guys our age have more to offer than they do, and that the girls aren't as likely to use us as they would a 60-year old.

So when they start yapping on about ATMs, bar girls, brothers in Isaan and other such cynical anecdotes, the advice isn't as relevant to you as it would be to them.

A lot of foolish assumptions in that post.

At 23, what exactly do you think you can you offer a Thai girl?

Ummm.... a consistently hard penis achieved without pharmaceutical assistance?

[Globeman]

Simple. Reward good behavior by the child as well as his mother and conversely, ignore and defund undesirable behavior. This works for dogs, monkeys and people.

Perhaps, but it's useless on cats.

[Mattbaldacchino]

Not sure how familiar you are with this forum OP but if you aren't already aware of the general population, most of these guys are significantly older than you. Whilst that's not necessarily a bad thing and they can give good advice, many can't even remember what it was like to be 23, and can't understand that guys our age have more to offer than they do, and that the girls aren't as likely to use us as they would a 60-year old.

So when they start yapping on about ATMs, bar girls, brothers in Isaan and other such cynical anecdotes, the advice isn't as relevant to you as it would be to them.

A lot of foolish assumptions in that post.

At 23, what exactly do you think you can you offer a Thai girl?

With all due respect, what can someone at 60 offer someone 20-30 years their junior like we so often see besides money (not pointing fingers just saying what's seen on a regular basis out in the streets) ? I don't see many retirees looking for a partner going for girls their age, yes I'm sure there are many happy couples but I think that's where the gold digger question should really be asked..

One of the questions I ask a lot of the girls I've dated, half joking half serious is flat out "Why do you like me? I live in a small room, earn just enough to get by and am considered average looking in my country, so why?" The majority reply its because I work and am not lazy, I respect them and most Thai guys my age are immature and can't be trusted (to be fair many were badly hurt by ex boyfriends)...the rest reply "Bo ko jai "

Edited November 28, 2014 by Mattbaldacchino

[ICECOOL]

Not sure how familiar you are with this forum OP but if you aren't already aware of the general population, most of these guys are significantly older than you. Whilst that's not necessarily a bad thing and they can give good advice, many can't even remember what it was like to be 23, and can't understand that guys our age have more to offer than they do, and that the girls aren't as likely to use us as they would a 60-year old.

So when they start yapping on about ATMs, bar girls, brothers in Isaan and other such cynical anecdotes, the advice isn't as relevant to you as it would be to them.

A lot of foolish assumptions in that post.

At 23, what exactly do you think you can you offer a Thai girl?

Ummm.... a consistently hard penis achieved without pharmaceutical assistance?

Ummm I see the foolish assumptions keep on coming. If you think all any woman needs is a hard penis then you are in for some serious learning. Suggest you take a Poll of these 20 something Thai girls and you may learn that many are looking for mature stable guys who won't desert them like their former husbands or partners.

[biggles45]

From my experience Thai women do not discipline their sons and it shows in the boys behaviour, particularly when they get older.,No one tells them No as they grow up and they react badly when they don't get their own way.

I don't hold much hope of things changing and certainly agree with others that she will want the boy living with you both if you become a couple. Make your decisions now is my advice.