Do's and don'ts in Thailand - Dating Etiquette

[andyr45]

As a newbie and having had three months to find my feet I feel the need to meet a lady for fun times. As my last date was some twenty five years ago I would expect the dating scene

to have undergone some changes. Not being particularly pleasant on the eye ( my ex wife mentioned I have a face like a bull-dog chewing a wasp) I am aware that I need to step up in the

personality/manners department. I would appreciate any feed back on dating etiquette ( I am resident in Chiang Mai) and am 57 years of age. Be nice please.

[Costas2008]

Do's and don'ts in Thai Visa - Netiquette

Do not Troll

[Dante99]

See excellent advice in currently running thread on depression treatment.

[chingmai331]

Best to wear nice ATM card on cord around your neck.

[Jai Dee]

In a previous thread you stated that you were a part of an Australian couple just arrived in CM...

Lost the missus already or are you just trolling?

[andyr45]

That is correct. We did arrive as a couple but my wife took an instant dislike to living here ( We had holidayed in Thailand since 1991) She decided to return to Qld at the end of Jan. So no, this is not a troll posting. Holidaying and living in an environment is different. The question is relevant to the position that I find myself in.

[dave2]

Re

I have a face like a bull-dog chewing a wasp

Sorry op ... i couldnt resist

Just joshin .. dave2

[Gonzo the Face]

Re dating etiquette and proper procedure. Maybe 3 mos now since wife has gone home..... probably not time for any detailed or extended course by Ms Manners.... so looks like time for a cram course.....

Suggest going to a soapy ...... but do try and do things properly..... bring your own soap.

You'd be surprised what you can learn when you are relaxed. Oh..... and welcome to CM. Be interesting to talk to
you next year

Edited April 6, 2015 by Gonzo the Face

[andyr45]

Thanks Dave2 - Truth is I am not as pretty as the bulldog in the pic. ( This is my common consensus)

[NancyL]

So what happened to the dog? You had asked questions about bringing your dog here. It's not easy to return the dog to Australia, is it? If you still have the dog maybe you can use it to help meet ladies.

[slapout]

have some introduction cards or small pamphlets printed up with relivent peculars, picture, etc what you are looking for in the opposite sex, history and pass them out or hire some little muffin to do it for you. you might want to detail/define area to cover with your campaign, mall, church, massage joints,karakoe, bus station, etc.

do keep us apraised of the progress or lack there of.

[andyr45]

Hi Nancy,

I am a member of he expat club ( joined in November). I have the wire fox terrier. His name is Sam and he is has the looks. The tourists love him. I an however looking to meet somebody local ( age group 40 plus) I am not a bar type and a little introverted. Hence my legit question.

[NancyL]

There are many single women over age 40 in the expats club. I suggest you come to the Breakfast Club social gatherings on the first and third Friday mornings from 9:30 - 11:30 am. The very active Bridge Club would be another good place to meet single women over age 40. They can teach you to play bridge if you don't now: http://www.bridgewebs.com/chiangmai/

Oh did you want to meet Thai women over age 40? I can't give you much advice there, but I do know there are some fantastic western women over age 40 who absolutely love living in Chiang Mai and would be open to socializing with guys. Seems most western guys, however, are interested in socializing "with the locals", either female or male. The single western women I know here tell me you either have to bring your own guy with you or resign yourself to being single. It's a pity because some of these gals are good-looking for their age, are financially independent and have their act together. I think they'd be much better partners and more fun to be around than most of the local women.

Edited April 6, 2015 by NancyL

[daffanny]

tell us more about what your wife took a disliking to in chiang mai?

Edited April 6, 2015 by daffanny

[andyr45]

Thanks Nancy.

My first choice would be to meet a Western lady. That sounds wonderful. I will make myself known at the next coffee morning or meeting. I just need to start mingling and meeting people. I do fancy brushing up my bridge skills as I have played previously.

[andyr45]

In reply to Daffaney

1. Me - Read 1-10

11. The Heat

12.. Pavements and general infrrastructure

13. The attitude of people generally ( I am sorry I don't agree)

14. Housing ( We lived at Hope Island at the Northern end of the Gold Coast)

The list goes on. Got the general idea?

[northernjohn]

Never had your problem. Just plain lucky I guess wasn't even looking.

But if I do recall correctly back home if you were holding a baby the women

would just flock to you. I think here in Thailand a cute kid running around would attract women.

You could say you were watching them while their mother went to the store.

Not sure where to get the kid.

[beau thai]

First off, good luck.

And be patient, you dont want to appear desperate.

Numerically, you have a much much wider choice of course, if you seek a thai rather than farang partner. And despite what you may read on here, they can make excellent partners.

Take time to get to know them-really know them, and you will soon know if you are being scammed. Dont be put off if they are giving cash to their families. It's the norm as there is no social security net. it doesnt mean you are being played if you feel you should help a little. Just a little!.

And do buy a book called Thailand Fever. Left hand page in thai for your GF to learn about farang, right hand page in English for you to learn about thai family, culture et al. If my gf and I hadnt got this book we may not have got through the first 3 months-mostly because of our suspicion of each other from what we had read and heard!!

In the same way that you hear about thai women scamming farang, thai families also hear about farang taking their young women abroad to be sold into slavery. Seriously. But if you are looking at 40 plus, less of a problem!

Any female TV readers (you there nancyL??) will probably scream at me, but whereas western women are brought up to be self-sufficient, independent, and feminist etc- and nothing wrong with that, thai girls seem to be brought up to enjoy taking care of others-their family and their man. In small ways that may seem pathetic, but are caring.

I feel I am on dangerous ground so will say no more other than at least look beyond the few western women you may meet.

[NancyL]

No, I'm not going to "scream" at you beau thai.

I'd admire andryr45's candor in post #45 of of admitting that reasons No. 1 - 10 that caused his wife to return to Australia were him. And his saying he's "a little introverted"

Thai women are, shall we say, a little more willing to overlook flaws in social skills that would cause many "desirable" western woman to run the other way from a guy. Some of the reason could be economic, some could simply be that a Thai woman may not be as good at "reading" a western guy and recognizing early warnings that something isn't quite right with a guy.

The net result can be the horror stories you read about here on Thai Visa. Guys who had problems with relationships in the west end up having problems with relationship here with Thai woman. Guys who feel like they were "done wrong" by a woman in the west are also "done wrong" by a Thai woman, it's just the way the Thai woman does it is different.

Beau Thai -- I think your advice about reading "Thai Fever" is spot on for anyone considering a relationship with a Thai woman. I've read it and agree with what you say about how many Thai woman, especially those over age 40, do enjoy "taking care" of their men.

However, their abilities to "take care" can be very limited. Most are not someone to have by your side asking the doctor questions when you receive a bad medical diagnosis. They may not be able to manage complex medication schedule. You may not trust them to handle your finances if you become incapacitated. They may not be the person you'd like as your Health Care Representative on your Advance Directive. They may not be willing to challenge the doctor for more morphine when you're in pain in the hospital. In my involvement with Lanna Care Net, I've never had to fulfill these rolls with a western-western couple, but I sure have, many times for a man who was married to a Thai woman.

Now, admittedly poor Andy hasn't even had his first date yet, but at age 57 you'd think someone should ask himself, "is this the woman I want taking care of me when I grow old?"

This was the criteria my father used in selecting his second wife at age 75, after my mother passed away. He realized if he didn't get his act together and do some serious courting, he was going to end up living in a basement "granny flat" with either me or my sister-in-law telling him what to do. Instead, he hit the internet dating sites, drove around a five state area on dates and ended up with a real winner. She was fantastic and did treat him like a king. He died a very happy and well-cared for man 8 years later.

Edited April 6, 2015 by NancyL

[amykat]

In the same way that you hear about thai women scamming farang, thai families also hear about farang taking their young women abroad to be sold into slavery. Seriously. But if you are looking at 40 plus, less of a problem!

I would just like to point out, that your example above is in no way comparable ...as far as I know/in my opinion ... I have never heard of a real case of a Thai wife being sold by her farang husband into slavery, but many Thais believe in ghosts too and I haven't seen any of those either. I mean really, do any of us even know where/how to sell a human into slavery if by chance you decided to do that???

However, there are many verifiable examples that all expats must know of, of Thais scamming their partners in all variety of ways.

But come on, if the man did NOT come here because he was convinced he needed a Thai woman, and IF he would like to date Western women, I think he really should do that! The cultural differences are enormous between Thais and farangs, they take YEARS to learn about, and once it gets figured out and one discovers that maybe they are compromising a bit too much in life to be in that cross-cultural relationship...well often one is stuck here, had a baby they didn't plan on, or maybe they don't look forward to starting out again at 67 or 75 years old, etc.

I think a lot of the expat men here, will be the biggest challenge to dating Western women here ... in fact I think the OP would show a lot of character by being able to handle the ridiculous peer pressure I bet will exist for him to "go Thai ...go 30 years younger, etc."

Edited April 6, 2015 by amykat

[ramrod711]

Know what you want. I didn't want children, my children were raised and I have a grand daughter. I talked with my girlfriend, she was 35, I was 53,i told her that if she had a desire to have a family I wasn't interested. When I met the woman who eventually became my wife, I watched her interact with other people, how she had a sense of humor and was readily accepted by friends wives. I was honest with her, told her that I wasn't in a hurry to get married again. I told her what my income was, many will tell you that is a bad idea I don't think beginning, what you hope may become a long term relationship, with a lie is a good idea. I manage my own money, pay my wife a reasonable expense amount, put an equal amount in a savings account for her, and send her parents a small amount every month. One thing you have to realize is that the primary topic amongst Thai wives is, how much money does he give you to spend. The secondary topic seems to be, are you jai dee, do you have a good heart. I wish you luck, I have been fortunate, we lived together for almost 5 years and have been married for 5 more.

[daoyai]

Dude, you got a built in gps ...follow your penis.... if it leads you to the expat club bridge table...ok, or follow it to the steaming , fecund realm of local entanglement .... up to you.

[Mapguy]

It has become an interesting conversation for the most part, but no one, it seems, really answered OP's question! Later, he mentioned that his first choice would be for a woman from the West (not so culturally challenging ?) which might or might not be a good idea --- the same as a woman from Thailand might or might not be a good idea. In the meantime, no one here apparently knows a good book on Thai dating etiquette, not that I do, either. But maybe someone will show up soon or at least direct OP to a good source. Well, maybe it is too late. He apparently is going to go to the Expat Club! No guarantees there, and none anywhere. In the meantime, I hope he feels less lonely.

[chingmai331]

Say OP. Are you or are you not married? Some of your posts suggest either may be true. The truth will surely make a difference in how you interact with any female, western or Thai.

And if currently married, then i would suggest dismissing the girl friend idea and seek only 'pay as you go' girls, aka whores. It's much easier on the psyche. When fully divorced that is the time to seek a long term relationship, or 'fun times' as you call them.

[mesquite]

OP, here is the book you're looking for. Don't let the title put you off. It's for men who have been out of "the scene" for years and want to start dating. The women can be any age.

http://www.amazon.com/Date-Young-Women-Men-over/dp/0962067156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1428328539&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+date+young+women

Edited April 6, 2015 by mesquite

[Loaded]

No, I'm not going to "scream" at you beau thai.

I'd admire andryr45's candor in post #45 of of admitting that reasons No. 1 - 10 that caused his wife to return to Australia were him. And his saying he's "a little introverted"

Thai women are, shall we say, a little more willing to overlook flaws in social skills that would cause many "desirable" western woman to run the other way from a guy. Some of the reason could be economic, some could simply be that a Thai woman may not be as good at "reading" a western guy and recognizing early warnings that something isn't quite right with a guy.

The net result can be the horror stories you read about here on Thai Visa. Guys who had problems with relationships in the west end up having problems with relationship here with Thai woman. Guys who feel like they were "done wrong" by a woman in the west are also "done wrong" by a Thai woman, it's just the way the Thai woman does it is different.

Beau Thai -- I think your advice about reading "Thai Fever" is spot on for anyone considering a relationship with a Thai woman. I've read it and agree with what you say about how many Thai woman, especially those over age 40, do enjoy "taking care" of their men.

However, their abilities to "take care" can be very limited. Most are not someone to have by your side asking the doctor questions when you receive a bad medical diagnosis. They may not be able to manage complex medication schedule. You may not trust them to handle your finances if you become incapacitated. They may not be the person you'd like as your Health Care Representative on your Advance Directive. They may not be willing to challenge the doctor for more morphine when you're in pain in the hospital. In my involvement with Lanna Care Net, I've never had to fulfill these rolls with a western-western couple, but I sure have, many times for a man who was married to a Thai woman.

Now, admittedly poor Andy hasn't even had his first date yet, but at age 57 you'd think someone should ask himself, "is this the woman I want taking care of me when I grow old?"

This was the criteria my father used in selecting his second wife at age 75, after my mother passed away. He realized if he didn't get his act together and do some serious courting, he was going to end up living in a basement "granny flat" with either me or my sister-in-law telling him what to do. Instead, he hit the internet dating sites, drove around a five state area on dates and ended up with a real winner. She was fantastic and did treat him like a king. He died a very happy and well-cared for man 8 years later.

Sweeping generalizations there nancy. Exactly the sort of thing western women accuse western men of doing.

[Muzarella]

Etiquette? All depends what kind of date are you looking for.....

With a Thai woman...if you do not speak Thai and she do not speak English....and she is alone, just invite her to visit your room...Probably she will tell you ..or show you...what kind of conversation she is interested to.

Most of the times..if you lead..she follows.

Edited April 6, 2015 by Muzarella

[balo]

57 years is not old anymore, go for a young woman and join the club.

[MaeJoMTB]

Plenty of women in their 30s available for you.

The older ones want just as much, and generally have less to offer.

ThaiCupid, you can fix up a different date for every night of the week in CM.

[beau thai]

In the same way that you hear about thai women scamming farang, thai families also hear about farang taking their young women abroad to be sold into slavery. Seriously. But if you are looking at 40 plus, less of a problem!

I would just like to point out, that your example above is in no way comparable ...as far as I know/in my opinion ... I have never heard of a real case of a Thai wife being sold by her farang husband into slavery, but many Thais believe in ghosts too and I haven't seen any of those either. I mean really, do any of us even know where/how to sell a human into slavery if by chance you decided to do that???

However, there are many verifiable examples that all expats must know of, of Thais scamming their partners in all variety of ways.

But come on, if the man did NOT come here because he was convinced he needed a Thai woman, and IF he would like to date Western women, I think he really should do that! The cultural differences are enormous between Thais and farangs, they take YEARS to learn about, and once it gets figured out and one discovers that maybe they are compromising a bit too much in life to be in that cross-cultural relationship...well often one is stuck here, had a baby they didn't plan on, or maybe they don't look forward to starting out again at 67 or 75 years old, etc.

I think a lot of the expat men here, will be the biggest challenge to dating Western women here ... in fact I think the OP would show a lot of character by being able to handle the ridiculous peer pressure I bet will exist for him to "go Thai ...go 30 years younger, etc."

"I would just like to point out, that your example above is in no way comparable ...as far as I know/in my opinion ... I have never heard of a real case of a Thai wife being sold by her farang husband into slavery, but many Thais believe in ghosts too and I haven't seen any of those either. I mean really, do any of us even know where/how to sell a human into slavery if by chance you decided to do that???"

Er, you 'edited' my words to add 'husband and wife'?? You have really never heard of thai girls/women going abroad to Japan/Korea/Middle East/Hong Kong to lucrative non-existent jobs and finishing up as sex workers or abused maids??? Really?

If you are interested try google - this from a 20 second search specific to Japan-Thai only-

"

"After leaving a primary school, I helped my parents do some domestic chores and worked in the paddy field. My friend told me that she was going to work in Japan and persuaded me to go with her. I decided to go with her. But I told my mother I went to work in Bangkok.

When we arrived in Japan, the weather was so cold. An agent chose me and my friend and sent us to Tokyo. Other women were sent to rural areas. The agent told us that each of us owed him 500,000 Thai Baht (about US$ 20,000). We were taken to a bar where inside we could see thirty Thai women singing and talking to customers. A man who was in charge of the bar told me to sit with one of the customers who had already paid him 30,000 Yen (about US$ 300). After that, he ordered me to go out with that customer."

The exaggerated and much repeated stories of thai girls scamming farang is not a one way street, and some of the stories I hear-never at 1st or 2nd hand of course- remind me of the saying that a fool and his money are easily parted.

In a bar in Thailand or a divorce court in farangland.