500,000 dilemna

[DLock]

Turn of events: Today I went to the house and started loading concrete, wood, doors, and all of out personal belongings into the truck.

Arguments insured with wife and her father and a different sister who lives behind the house and who also has done nothing to show bad and even likes our plan to remodel the family house.

By the time I had loaded my truck beyond capacity, father had a change of heart/thinking. Now I an told that I can do what I planned with the house minus the one room the eldest sister lives in. A 3x3 meter room.

I told the wife to explain that her room is still open to the dust and webs is still open to everything else. So they agreed to let me seal her room since this sister is a pig that is lazy to clean.

To me this seems like I was being tested by the father and everyone to see if I would bend to their wishes. If so, then, I have won.

Or, could it be that they have seen that I was serious to take my wife and kids far away from them forever because of their stubbornness?

Either way! They have succumbed to my plan. What problems lie for me in the future can only be imagined now.

I think my next move is to get that eldest sister to really hate being in my home so she will do anything to leave on her own. Maybe then I can find happiness with my wife and 2 babies.

You won...this time.

But you won what exactly? The right to spend your money fixing up the parents house that has a loan against it, for ungrateful parents and a pig of sister and her lazy husband. Good win.

You should have driven that loaded truck out the front gate and made them beg you to come back. Made the sister clear the lien before you spend one more baht on that house or the bank may own a nice house. You gave in far too quickly. You were in a position to dictate terms and you blew it.

I could not imagine waking up each morning wondering what stress I had to face that day. I feel for you because I know how horrible a situation like this must be. You sound like a good guy just trying to do the right thing. But you live in a nest of vipers and I just don't think anything good is going to come of this,

Wish you luck...but it's not to late to change your mind and roll on out.

[Thakkar]

I think there is a solution. But it will cost.

Sorry for the long post, but a switch in your thinking is necessary before you can see any light at the end of the tunnel.

The money you've already spent is sunk cost. Forget about it and don't feel bad, because it's the least of your problems.

Think this, and it will help:

It is their house. Always has been. Always will be. They may have expected you to pay for and make some modifications when they asked you to move in. But it is still their house. Albeit, unknowingly, you've overstepped your authority. When people make agreements and arrangements--these include a lot of unspecified, unexpressed assumptions and wishful thinking. That's why actual written contracts are so detailed and, in law, form the ENTIRE basis of any agreement.

Sibling rivalry is ever present. From your sister-in-law's vantage point, your wife's already won by marrying you. The house eventually should be hers regardless of any earlier promises made by the parents.

Your wife needs also to get out of this with dignity and grace and without feeling that she is abandoning her family.

Since the money is gone anyway, you might as well get out with grace as well.

Know that people don't take well to change, especially as they get older. Let them remodel however they please and even throw in a bit more money if necessary.

You, your kids and wife should initially rent a house nearby and move in there. The eventual plan has to be to move further away. Some separation, without cutting the cord makes it easy on your wife and on your relationship with her. Your adeptness at showing a complete lack of bitterness over your financial loss will also help your long term relationship. You can be honest with her later, when the time is right. Good relationships aren't based on complete honesty, but sensible reticence.

It doesn't matter if, for now, the family think you're an idiot. What matters is your long term relationship with your wife, your children's health and for your wife to walk out of this as a dutiful daughter.

It doesn't look to me as if they were out to rip you off, so put that out of your mind, lest it poison your actions.

Good luck.

T

[glegolo]

Turn of events: Today I went to the house and started loading concrete, wood, doors, and all of out personal belongings into the truck.

Arguments insured with wife and her father and a different sister who lives behind the house and who also has done nothing to show bad and even likes our plan to remodel the family house.

By the time I had loaded my truck beyond capacity, father had a change of heart/thinking. Now I an told that I can do what I planned with the house minus the one room the eldest sister lives in. A 3x3 meter room.

I told the wife to explain that her room is still open to the dust and webs is still open to everything else. So they agreed to let me seal her room since this sister is a pig that is lazy to clean.

To me this seems like I was being tested by the father and everyone to see if I would bend to their wishes. If so, then, I have won.

Or, could it be that they have seen that I was serious to take my wife and kids far away from them forever because of their stubbornness?

Either way! They have succumbed to my plan. What problems lie for me in the future can only be imagined now.

I think my next move is to get that eldest sister to really hate being in my home so she will do anything to leave on her own. Maybe then I can find happiness with my wife and 2 babies.

Being as you said in your original post "I am disabled and can not sit on concrete floors or even sit for long periods of time without severe pain. Multiple spinal surgeries and failed spinal surgeries have left me this way". I am really impressed that you were able to load all that concrete and stuff up on your pick up.. congrats to that, and congrats to your doctors that you do not think to highly of......

You seemed to be eager to point out that you "WON"... Coming here to Thailand and decide to live here, I personally think it is completely way out of line to say that you WIN when forcing the natives to abandond their own culture just because of a few dollars or punds sake. Come here live here and try to implement your own rules in your OWN house, not in other peoples homes.... OMG Don t you sees it man???

Glegolo

[Liquorice]

Any advice would be welcome from anyone who understands Thainess and understand the logic behind treating me with such inconsideration or sympathy for my needs to keep my back from failing again.

Op you looking at the whole situation from your point of view and your needs.

The logic is simple. You have moved into the home of her elderly parents who have lived comfortably there for the last 20+ years.

Then along comes a farang who disrupts their lifestyle, their home and starts demanding because of his needs.

I'm sorry for your disability, but that's not their fault. They see you as the disruptive force.

You should have really discussed these plans with everyone affected before you even moved in.

The only way to relieve the tension is to find your own rented accommodation for a while until such time as the sister has built and moved into her own house. You have to balance the needs of everyone and explain that with the family.

As for the sister loaning money on your wife's land, someone is telling porkies, or someone has committed fraud.

That is for your wife to deal with.

Edited May 12, 2015 by Faz

[thesetat2013]

How would the sister buy a car with wife's deed to land ? You are missing something here. Some how you insulted the father here and you need to figure out how. did you sit down with dad and show him the plan and get his OK or did you leave it to your wife ? Unfortunately there is a big misunderstanding here and your not going to win. Dad nailing the window shut is a pretty strong statement . time to move on

Let's see! Um the land is in her fathers name and will be inherited by my wife. The sister bypassed the father and sneakily went to the bank with her mother who the banks considers being the same as the father in property ownership.

The father not only saw the plans but talked with many architects that we brought to asses the idea until we finally found one that we hired. So the father knew. It wasn't until the eldest sister started crying to her father about the inconveniences our plans were causing that he tried to stop me. Which leads to your next statement. The father told me the say before to stop painting. When my wife told me I ignored her out of frustration so the next day the father nailed the window shut to make sure I would stop painting there. There was a big misunderstanding for sure. The sister thinks she can make demands in my house and that she is boss there. She thinks that since she spent her money buying a new car that we accept this and will allow her to tell us what to do with our house. She has misunderstood farang determination and our understanding of priorities .

[johnmcc6]

It is common here when leaving a house that will be demolished to take everything from roof to floor boards. Send the family out for a day cruise or picnic then strip evrything you can lay your hands on out of the place. Leave it the same sh^&t fight as when you found it. It won't save you money but it if it was me I would sure feel a lot better. Any Thai doing these things deserve nothing . There are so many friendly, intelligent and down right nice people here, it is too bad you got lumbered with some crap ones. ( wife excluded)

[prakhonchai nick]

..

Edited May 12, 2015 by prakhonchai nick

[Liquorice]

There was a big misunderstanding for sure. The sister thinks she can make demands in my house and that she is boss there. She thinks that since she spent her money buying a new car that we accept this and will allow her to tell us what to do with our house. She has misunderstood farang determination and our understanding of priorities .

In my house, with our house!

And therein lies the problem.

It isn't your house, or even our house, but your continuing to treat it as such in actions and mind set.

You are disrupting their life and their home.

Jeez, seriously if you had that attitude in my house I'd be telling you to leave. I'm guessing it's only because of their daughter that they haven't done so already, or maybe the wife just hasn't told you.

[bheard]

OP, take your wife and kids and find a house to rent and live in, as far away as you can from this family.

What you are going through, I don't wish it to anybody.

Good Luck to you all.

TP1 says it well.This is the way to go. It will be difficult and ultimately may not succeed, depends how strong your wife is and how strong her commitment to you is.

However, cut your losses, write off the money and start afresh - if only for the children's sake!! Get them out of that irrational and toxic household!

Best of luck.

[Remi080]

Hi, first of all i would like to say that i feel sorry for you, and second, all this is excactly the same as what happend with me, i do live in thai 15 years non stop. I would like to write a long story here to help you give some advice, but i am alreaddy writing a book at the moment about my life in thai, gues this book will never have a end, but hey! Im here to help in give you some support.

what i did was wrong, I did stay inside the house, but all problems will just grow towards an explosion inside the family.

The best you can do, not even belive your wife, get a rental house and let them find there own trouble first. Never share with family in thai. And never buy something on a other name than yourself. Keep your money behind, tell everyone your pour. If you buy , rent, or build something / even invest something, get it on contract with pictures and or videos. Record agreements! Make pictures, foto copy ID, documentation of all you agree to. Keep it all very safe. I did get the advice from a thai lawyer, witch saves my life right now. I have been sucked dry, i have been scamed for millions, just becouse a good "wife" , and becouse i could not speak thai. Thank god i can speak it better than english now. thai will be thai, never change. Never close your eyes, and always follow your brains, becouse even the heart can fool you.

Wish you good luck, be strong man!

[maidee]

parents in law are best kept a few provinces away from your place to live

[F4UCorsair]

!!!!!!The family is not interested in my money. I know for certain my wife is not with me for cash. ??????!!!!!

i was in two minds as to actually post my reply but honestly my T V friend just look again at the replies through out today they will pretty well follow the same format /advice also i reply because you sound genuine unlike many similar posts which are basically trolls

Well I am definitely not a troll and the story is happening to me at this time.

I am going to follow advice because I was originally thinking the same before I posted this. However I want to give wife a chance to talk one on one with her parents without me there before a final decision is made. So maybe she can explain my options if they refuse to let me make the house livable. I am looking into returning purchases we made that have yet to be delivered for refunds and to put a half to construction so my loss is not so severe even though the house is a mess with holes dug and bare new walls. Just walk away with no afterthought.

Now you're thinking. Return what you can and <deleted>them all.

Another foreigner statistic you don't want or need to be, although you're part way there.

You have pride....don't tolerate their crap even if you take a financial hit. I'd be pulling up tiles before I left.

[neeray]

What an interesting bunch of responses. This would make for a great reality show.

But I think Remi080 in the post above has said it about as good as anybody.

Best of luck in sorting this mess out.

And always remember, "life is short".

[HooHaa]

I have been thinking the same. Yet to do this my wife gets emotionally hurt. We have paid for the construction and all equipment and new tile and ceiling and water tanks and everything. We lose all.

sell the materials and move on, why would you need to think twice.

if you decide to stay, everything that follows is your own damn fault.

why you continued after the sister leveraged your wife's land to buy a truck is beyond me, but there is one born every minute

[Vallon66]

I would like to thank all for their replies.

It has helped me to decide to pack my stuff and get the heck out of there.

I just hope i can get money back from all the tile and blocks and bathroom furnishings that have been purchased to cut some of my losses.

I know already in doing this all that I will be the bad foreigner now to her family. My wife is insistent that I allow the construction work on one addition to be completed but I am refusing to do even this now. I figure if the family had shown me some kind of decency then they deserve as much in return buy since they have chosen to change and are refusing to make space for me that I am no longer obligated to complete any work started. Perhaps I am doing it simply because I am angry at the losses this has incurred and the Thainess that has led to this action. Today I go get everything from that house that we bought and own. Everything down to the last brick that has not been laid.

No you wont you'll cave in.

Edited May 12, 2015 by Vallon66

[Vallon66]

Turn of events: Today I went to the house and started loading concrete, wood, doors, and all of out personal belongings into the truck.

Arguments insured with wife and her father and a different sister who lives behind the house and who also has done nothing to show bad and even likes our plan to remodel the family house.

By the time I had loaded my truck beyond capacity, father had a change of heart/thinking. Now I an told that I can do what I planned with the house minus the one room the eldest sister lives in. A 3x3 meter room.

I told the wife to explain that her room is still open to the dust and webs is still open to everything else. So they agreed to let me seal her room since this sister is a pig that is lazy to clean.

To me this seems like I was being tested by the father and everyone to see if I would bend to their wishes. If so, then, I have won.

Or, could it be that they have seen that I was serious to take my wife and kids far away from them forever because of their stubbornness?

Either way! They have succumbed to my plan. What problems lie for me in the future can only be imagined now.

I think my next move is to get that eldest sister to really hate being in my home so she will do anything to leave on her own. Maybe then I can find happiness with my wife and 2 babies.

You won...this time.

But you won what exactly? The right to spend your money fixing up the parents house that has a loan against it, for ungrateful parents and a pig of sister and her lazy husband. Good win.

You should have driven that loaded truck out the front gate and made them beg you to come back. Made the sister clear the lien before you spend one more baht on that house or the bank may own a nice house. You gave in far too quickly. You were in a position to dictate terms and you blew it.

I could not imagine waking up each morning wondering what stress I had to face that day. I feel for you because I know how horrible a situation like this must be. You sound like a good guy just trying to do the right thing. But you live in a nest of vipers and I just don't think anything good is going to come of this,

Wish you luck...but it's not to late to change your mind and roll on out.

Well said.. he caved in now I hope he gets what he deserved.Weak and spineless..And they know it.

Thai in-laws -1(WON)

Disabled idiot ATM machine farang slave-0

[Pmax]

Cut the losses and move on. There is no such thing, living with in-laws in a house thats not even yours.

I live since 17 years here. Married, kids, houses and land.

BUT IN-LAWS 1100km away ! By recommandation of my wife as she knows the closer you are, the more you are attached the more responsability you get (money).

They run their life - we ours ! Happy.

once a while a visit, pay diner, thats it.

and we keep it that way.

Your loan story...bypass the father...bullsh..

a bank gives a loan

ONLY to the person named on the title deed !

If this person not come and sign - no money !

As the land is not in your wifes name, happy fighting with the rest of the clan when daddy passes away.

You really think after you started to get serious they give in ?

For now maybe, to secure the atm.

not long and you are back to zero...but with a potential 1.0 mio money spent on THEIR house.

If the father really want your wife to own it, why not transfer to her while alive ?

Its easy !

They are fooling you - all the way !

Move on or lose everything there.

Good luck.

[Vallon66]

Turn of events: Today I went to the house and started loading concrete, wood, doors, and all of out personal belongings into the truck.

Arguments insured with wife and her father and a different sister who lives behind the house and who also has done nothing to show bad and even likes our plan to remodel the family house.

By the time I had loaded my truck beyond capacity, father had a change of heart/thinking. Now I an told that I can do what I planned with the house minus the one room the eldest sister lives in. A 3x3 meter room.

I told the wife to explain that her room is still open to the dust and webs is still open to everything else. So they agreed to let me seal her room since this sister is a pig that is lazy to clean.

To me this seems like I was being tested by the father and everyone to see if I would bend to their wishes. If so, then, I have won.

Or, could it be that they have seen that I was serious to take my wife and kids far away from them forever because of their stubbornness?

Either way! They have succumbed to my plan. What problems lie for me in the future can only be imagined now.

I think my next move is to get that eldest sister to really hate being in my home so she will do anything to leave on her own. Maybe then I can find happiness with my wife and 2 babies.

So you gave in ..so much for all your previous bragging.on how you were going to leave and take every last brick...LOL.you went from ''joe cool to joe cave in'' pretty easily.. now you get what you deserve.They own you and they know it. Just hope you have at least a little pride not to come back to this forum whining again when it all goes to hell.

[2fishin2]

Why a grown man would subject his wife and children to this kind of drama is beyond me. Why would you want to live in a house full of that crap? You might have won a small battle, but the war has only just begun. What happens when everything is complete and mom and pops gets pissed again because of sister starting shit? This next time you will be thrown out, and not let back in. You have just paid for a complete remodel of THEIR house, not yours. Take YOUR FAMILY, leave and put your life together. They want to come visit fine. Visit then go home.

[Cent]

!!!!!!The family is not interested in my money. I know for certain my wife is not with me for cash. ??????!!!!!

i was in two minds as to actually post my reply but honestly my T V friend just look again at the replies through out today they will pretty well follow the same format /advice also i reply because you sound genuine unlike many similar posts which are basically trolls

Well I am definitely not a troll and the story is happening to me at this time.

I am going to follow advice because I was originally thinking the same before I posted this. However I want to give wife a chance to talk one on one with her parents without me there before a final decision is made. So maybe she can explain my options if they refuse to let me make the house livable. I am looking into returning purchases we made that have yet to be delivered for refunds and to put a half to construction so my loss is not so severe even though the house is a mess with holes dug and bare new walls. Just walk away with no afterthought.

Do that I've bolded that you said above. It sounds like they are being totally unreasonable, the sister sounds like she believes she is losing face somehow (is she older or younger than your wife?), and the lack of respect you are getting is over the top. Rent a place of your own away from the family and in a town/city where things will be easier for you. Rents are fairly inexpensive, and 500,000 baht is a good piece of baht that could rent you a decent place for many years to come. I wouldn't go back there, nor would I finish any construction at a later date. It sounds like you may have a decent income or pension money coming in you can live on nicely. Just pack up and leave the ungrateful family to their own devices. Take your wife and kids and go. It sounds like a horrible situation you have. Do what is best for you and your family, not the rest of them. And, it sounds like your wife is reasonable and agrees with you that this is silly and stupid on the rest of her family's part. Screw them and stay away from them in the future. They do not deserve a decent guy like you helping to make all their lives better.

Just my humble opinion.

Edited May 12, 2015 by Cent

[Retdent]

I would have thought that it is not your wife's house until such time as the parents have passed away. You have made improvements for them; which your wife may or may not get, depending on the will and whether it changes in time. Only "invest" what you are prepared to walk away from. Good luck!

[Cent]

Turn of events: Today I went to the house and started loading concrete, wood, doors, and all of out personal belongings into the truck.

Arguments insured with wife and her father and a different sister who lives behind the house and who also has done nothing to show bad and even likes our plan to remodel the family house.

By the time I had loaded my truck beyond capacity, father had a change of heart/thinking. Now I an told that I can do what I planned with the house minus the one room the eldest sister lives in. A 3x3 meter room.

I told the wife to explain that her room is still open to the dust and webs is still open to everything else. So they agreed to let me seal her room since this sister is a pig that is lazy to clean.

To me this seems like I was being tested by the father and everyone to see if I would bend to their wishes. If so, then, I have won.

Or, could it be that they have seen that I was serious to take my wife and kids far away from them forever because of their stubbornness?

Either way! They have succumbed to my plan. What problems lie for me in the future can only be imagined now.

I think my next move is to get that eldest sister to really hate being in my home so she will do anything to leave on her own. Maybe then I can find happiness with my wife and 2 babies.

You should still just leave. Problems WILL arise later. You are being held an emotional hostage, as is your wife. If you have the money, buy your own land in your wife's or even your kids names. Buy it far enough away as to keep a good distance from the family. Why place yourself in a position to be having problems again and again? And I'd bet once the house is done you will continue to have problems from your wife's family, in many different ways, giving you headaches and heartaches you do not want, need, or deserve. Or, just rent as I've said before in the earlier post. Renting gives you the option to move away from problems that arise if you need to or want to. Easily enough to do if need be. I've been renting the same place for 15+ years now with no problems (plus we have our own house in the village and never had to put up with this sort of bullcrap). In my opinion it would be in your best interests to leave with your family.

[smotherb]

I find it difficult to believe people can get themselves into such circumstances, but yet I hear and see it all the time. Discontinue any thought of living with the in-laws, get your own place. Get refunds where you can and cancel any on-going work--the rest, call it a gift to the in-laws. If and when your wife inherits the in-law's house, then deal with that house.

The farther you stay away from the in-laws the happier you will be. I took my two Asian wifes out of their home countries and traveled the world with them. Not surprisingly, they became much more knowledgeable about all matters and less subserviant to their family's wants and demands.

My mind-set has always been, if you marry me, we and our children are our family. I did not and will not marry the rest of your previous family. We have the same obligations to our mutual in-laws; We will give your previous family exactly as much money as they give my previous family and vice-versa. What could be more fair?

Your obligations are to your wife and children--yes, I know a very individualistic thought. If you want to live in a collective culture, then stay with the in-laws and let them bleed you dry.

[realenglish1]

Don't be stupid Stop the construction have your wife tell her father the reason you are doing it and move out

No reason to cow tow to their whim. You are trying to improve their environment and they don't want it They like living

around cinder block so take a hike and make your children and wife happy

[Remi080]

Oh before i forget, get some thai language lessons, if you want to live in thai happily ever after witch i guess you want, you need to lern the language before you can possibly understand the Thai people. Most people you can compare to one other, but thais are a race on its own, very unpredictable and confusing, i dont say stupid, very smart instead. This culture is like no other .

As well i would like to tell all the people here on this post that not all thais are bad, maybe a lot, but not all. Since I have a decent job, im amongst people who understand life and its ups and downs, people who are willing to work to survive and take care others who have less. I will always remember the people who took care of me when i was broke, for months, and they dont want 1 baht back of it while i spended many thousands. Yeah man there are good thais to. They called real friends you can rely on. Try to find those! now with this Prayut guy in power, dont know if you follow politics , but i believe things will get a good upgrade now, im still happy in thai, this year i will be thai of nationality to and proud of it.

Good luck to you all.

[heybuz]

Do the same as if you were living in your home country,leave,get as much back as you can and go you'll be much happier,more on here than are prepared to admit it have been in or experienced similar happenings so take their advise.

[redfarang88]

Get out of there how old are you you can't see the writing on the wall in your face some very good advice here pal.you are a fool to ignore it

[Doc46]

I have been thinking the same. Yet to do this my wife gets emotionally hurt. We have paid for the construction and all equipment and new tile and ceiling and water tanks and everything. We lose all.

Well you will be better of in the long run,,, Cut your losses ,Get away from the family,, that is the only way that you and your wife and kids will be happy in the long run.If you don't do this you will be a grumpy old man .

[arjunadawn]

thesetat2013, on 12 May 2015 - 09:49, said:

Turn of events: Today I went to the house and started loading concrete, wood, doors, and all of out personal belongings into the truck.
Arguments insured with wife and her father and a different sister who lives behind the house and who also has done nothing to show bad and even likes our plan to remodel the family house.
By the time I had loaded my truck beyond capacity, father had a change of heart/thinking. Now I an told that I can do what I planned with the house minus the one room the eldest sister lives in. A 3x3 meter room.
I told the wife to explain that her room is still open to the dust and webs is still open to everything else. So they agreed to let me seal her room since this sister is a pig that is lazy to clean.
To me this seems like I was being tested by the father and everyone to see if I would bend to their wishes. If so, then, I have won.
Or, could it be that they have seen that I was serious to take my wife and kids far away from them forever because of their stubbornness?
Either way! They have succumbed to my plan. What problems lie for me in the future can only be imagined now.
I think my next move is to get that eldest sister to really hate being in my home so she will do anything to leave on her own. Maybe then I can find happiness with my wife and 2 babies.

I think its apparent from my post on page one that I fully sympathized with you and hoped you could reduce the issue to one that would ensure the greatest happiness for the greatest amount of people. After reading this post above I am not certain that is possible. Sorry, I know you feel you are the victim here but your chose of language in how you see the world, these people, and the events around you actually say lots about you. It is a far leap for a regular guy just getting screwed to use words like "...done nothing to show bad," "sister is a pig..." "I was being tested..." "... bend to their wishes." "...I have won." "They have succumbed..." "What problems lie for me in the future can only be imagined now" is utterly true; it is now easy for even me, a poster, to imagine the problems you will have.

"...my next move..." "...get that eldest sister to really hate..." "maybe then I can find happiness..."

I think it is highly unlikely. I hadn't realized in my prior post that you are a magnet. The world is filled with people, mostly we refuse to see it, that drag on stage that cast of character than in some manner fill the roles of the drama we want to unfold. It is possible you are a victim, that random act that injures the innocent unduly, but victims and the innocent hardly use such language to describe their worldview. Yes, you have won but is seems equally possible that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

[Monkeyrobot]

Get the whole family parents sister kids brother in law the whole mob and sit them down and have a family meeting. Even get a chairman so not to get you wife involved. If that fails just rent until the sister moves out but assure her you will never help her in the future with finance if they are in trouble. When you think about it they might be handing you an Ace to keep up you sleeve for later if they want to be naughty now. Just play the game with patients .