Am I on the way to ruining my life?....... or am I on the way to bliss?

[outofbalance]

I am 55, I have a good job/ income, live with my wife but not in a happy relationship for many years. I have a paid off house in the Western world. I am also getting tired and stressed out as far as my job goes. I am currently in the fortunate position that I could probably afford to retire in about 5 or so years. Since my teens in my free time I have enjoyed food related hobbies so in a very nonprofessional way I can cook and bake and am not bad at “handyman” projects.

About two years ago during some bout of loneliness I started corresponding with a Thai lady through a pen-pal internet site (I suspect it makes no difference but still it was a free “meet friends” site not a dating site). She is 47 (divorced for many years with a 21year child). She has a stable job in commerce and has her own recently built new home which is not fully paid off.

She is tired of her job and would like to start a restaurant /café in her new custom built house. The house is already completed, the downstairs area and outdoor garden for the proposed café and upstairs for her accommodation.

Despite not being trained to cook or bake she has the (delightful) Thai optimism that she will be able to make enough money to survive and be happy in the “food” trade.

I have travelled to Thailand and spent time with her (in her house) three times in the past 18 months. For arguments sake let’s just say that I am convinced there is no other man involved with her and no major scam happening.

Could I have more problems, absolutely yes:

We have a good time together despite her poor English and my totally non-existent Thai.

She would like to quit her job within the next two years and her termination payout will be enough to pay off her home. But not enough to support her and she will also probably need some more initial funds to set up the garden café restaurant.

So here is her idea for the next 5-7 or so years I continue to work and earn in the West. I travel to visit and stay with her as many times a year as possible. When I retire I then live with her (happily in love) and together we blissfully produce food and cakes and so on, and run and manage the home-style restaurant.

Importantly in the interim (starting in the next year or so) she will quit her job and start the restaurant during that time I provide the financial backing to support her and this venture. Just for arguments sake, let’s once again, say that I trust her not to run off with the money however I am fully aware that any money that I give to her will be money that I will not ever recover. (As a result of the global financial crises I lost money that I will never recover).

My idea-as far as I am concerned before I start to work in a restaurant I would like to spend 1-2 years almost full time at a Thai language school and maybe even some years part time. If I cannot manage a decent amount of Thai language then I really question if I would be able to live and work in the country.

Until a year or so ago I regarded myself (from a Western point of view) as insightful, mature, conservative, analytical, experienced, but now I aware that what I am considering is anything but that!

What is it with Thai woman (and Thailand) that makes such an impression and somehow entices you to upend your current lifestyle and values?

[green job]

Runnnnnnnnnnn Run and fast as you can The grass is always greener on the otherside of the fence

[SoiBiker]

If she has a decent income and ready-built premises, why does she need you to fund the business?

[kannot]

Standby for her to not make anything but an absolute pittance in a "restaurant" (joke) and you then supporting her and the son till u die or they do.

[zeichen]

First of all, you are married and cheating on your wife. You also admitted this on a public forum. Your retirement will be postponed when you current wife, divorces you and takes everything that you own.

Second, a cafe in someone's home is a terrible business unless it is in a major location.

3rd. what would you actually do for the business? Most aspects of working in a cafe' are not allowed for foreigners. Also without any experience as a chef or without classical training, your rest. will most likely fail. As far as businesses go, they are one of the hardest to run. There is always a chance that you will be successful, but why take the risk with a limited pension and money.

[rayongchelsea]

It's not Thai women, it's the foreigners that have the problems that make them enticing..it's as always about the money..get a loan from the bank whilst she is still working, if necessary you act as guarantor..btw, the probability is she is not telling you the truth..

[slipperylobster]

don't send money....

just try that for 3 months.

21 year old child? how much does he take home after a day's work?

Edited May 21, 2015 by slipperylobster

[AlexRRR]

Stinks....smells, no woman who is in love with you would accept a long distance relationship for 5 plus years.

As for cafes and restaurants there everywhere in Thailand, 7 days a week and long hours and for the majority just a wage.

The TGF isn't very smart if she suggested that arrangement to you, do your self a favour dump her and divorce your wife, clean up your life then if you want a Thai girl look for a professional woman with a real career that is happy in her job and works a 5 day week.

[ramrod45]

Anyone that is contemplating absentee financial support should tread very cautiously. First off, very few Thai people do any market or location research when developing a business. There are failures all the time due to poor location, competition, offering a product few people want, no ability to advertise, etc. As stated, except in position as perhaps manager, you would not, by Thai law, be allowed to help or cook. If someone complains to immigration, they would be compelled to investigate, and if you seen cleaning an ashtray, you would be in trouble.

Also I would suggest questioning why she is seeking someone via internet. There are many farangs here she could talk to about her desires, and yes, limited Thai for you does not help.

I would agree with the first Ops comment....just run. There are many other women in Thailand, and although I have no experience in it, I have yet to hear of any Thai person leaving a company and getting a termination payout. You are being analytical by asking questions, but you have to separate heart from mind. Look at her proposal from any business perspective, and would you really want to invest? I think not.

[dragonfly94]

I would not recommend getting serious with any Thai woman to anyone, what do you think is in it for you? if you want company get a cat or a dog!

[slipperylobster]

They don't fail their businesses (They never use their own money to start a business)....they fail their investors, and their creditors. Take a walk around Big C or Tesco buildings...nothing but small businesses that duplicate each other. Most of those people are lucky to break even. Their profits are not reinvested...and rent is long overdue. Typical longevity...3 months.

Sometimes the business is just to show a bank they have income. They get to hold out longer on their payments. Also those deposits in her bank (from her farang investors) make it look like she is a good risk.

More Credit...then more...then more..again. Then when that runs out...it is the money lending china chumps.

Edited May 21, 2015 by slipperylobster

[Mr Somtam]

Make a cup of tea.

Sit down and relax.

Drink tea.

Laugh really hard at yourself.

Make the right decision, you already know what that is.

[kannot]

Stinks....smells, no woman who is in love with you would accept a long distance relationship for 5 plus years.

As for cafes and restaurants there everywhere in Thailand, 7 days a week and long hours and for the majority just a wage.

The TGF isn't very smart if she suggested that arrangement to you, do your self a favour dump her and divorce your wife, clean up your life then if you want a Thai girl look for a professional woman with a real career that is happy in her job and works a 5 day week.

Just for your information I had a long distance relationship which went on for 5 years.............I know youve probably died of shock.

Been married 10 years this year.

[manarak]

My advice to OP would be to first clean up his life (get the divorce) and then to decide what to do.

If OP wants to move to Thailand, the best thing to do would be to do so independently from any Woman.

Get into a situation where you are free instead of jumping from one captive situation into the next one.

[shirtless]

if you want a major nightmare move in with this Thai woman sorry mate but you are on a bad thing

[tolsti]

[JO1973]

My advice to OP would be to first clean up his life (get the divorce) and then to decide what to do.

If OP wants to move to Thailand, the best thing to do would be to do so independently from any Woman.

Get into a situation where you are free instead of jumping from one captive situation into the next one.

You, sir, are 100% correct. In fact, there should be cards with that advice handed out to every single man passing through customs at the airport. Unfortunately logic and reason always seem to take a backseat in situations such as the OP's.

[Crazy chef 1]

as long as you can afford and enjoy it-go for it...regarding business look for local customers and don't rely on tourists or expats...

[jko]

Q. Am I on the way to ruining my life?

A. After many years of living here, and seeing so many otherwise intelligent men lose their life savings, the answer is most likely to be 95% yes, particularly since this started on a dating site.

Beware. Please beware.

Edited May 21, 2015 by jko

[thousandpercent]

If this was a friend where you live, would you loan money based on no experience, no business plan, no detailed information? Of course not. The only thing about this that appeals to you is you feel lovey dovey toward the buyer and hope she will feel the same about you in five years. That is a horrible reason to make her your business partner. You say she will use her own capital to own an asset (her house) and the only capital at risk in her business is yours. And you have no interest in either! Let her use her severance money to open the business and pay off her house with the profit. Holy shit! If someone told me, "I want to spend my money on me, and I want you to spend your money on me," I would not go near that business.

[rethaier]

This woman probably has more "pen pals" than you know about and if so, more "sponsors". Some Thai women are being supported by multiple western men who think they are the only one. There's a better than even chance that she has other visitors just like you. So it works well for her if you stay away for 5-7 years. Restaurants come and go in Thailand and being a 5 star chef would not guarantee success it's more about management. Thais have no idea about managing a business, they take in money, and spend money with no accounting so they don't know if it is even profitable. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

Edited May 21, 2015 by rethaier

[Mangkhut]

Dont send or invest more money than you can afford to lose....

[TP1]

You are 55, she is 47.

Too old for you mate.

Find a younger one and then you will enjoy supporting her, amongst other things.

[CNXTim]

You are contemplating three important life decisions that are unnecessarily intertwined.

If are truly finished with your current marriage take care of that in your home country - independent of any other commitment or decision.

Then work out if you can live in Thailand on a permanent basis - on your own with your current funds - chances are you will not be permitted by law to work in Thailand, and definitely NOT in a "family" restaurant..

Give yourself plenty of time (6-12 months at least) when in Thailand to be sure IF you can live in the LoS.

One very important decision is WHERE will you live? - Thailand lifestyle differs greatly depending on where you are in this country. Move around take your time and decide WHERE if at all, Thailand suits you.

If that goes well, by all means contemplate a relationship with a Thai woman, on your terms and your time-frame.

Rent everything - don't make any major financial decision until you are 100% sure this place is for YOU.

Most of the advice you have read here is 100% spot on - IMO, you are exhibiting all the traits of someone who is about to make a very BIG mistake.

[northernjohn]

My advice to OP would be to first clean up his life (get the divorce) and then to decide what to do.

If OP wants to move to Thailand, the best thing to do would be to do so independently from any Woman.

Get into a situation where you are free instead of jumping from one captive situation into the next one.

Good advice

Divorce then move over here and live separately for a while.

One other thing that was not mentioned is when a business opens up here in Thailand and is successful others start opening up right next door to them.

As for advice well Thai Visa is not exactly the place to go. Read a lot of different threads and different Forums. You will notice there are a lot of Thai bashers here.

You have been in communication with her for 5 years and over to visit several times. It is not like you don't know any thing about her. That does not mean she is not running a scam on you as many like to believe but you do have some knowledge to base your decision on.

Do as manarak suggested give your self a little time independently between the two of them. It will give you a chance to see if you really want a committed relationship. I know when my first wife and I split up my thoughts were what am I going to do with out a steady mate.

Trust me there are many more successful relationships than failed ones here. We just don't open up a thread on them. Mainly it is the ones and there is a lot of them in every country that complain. We with successful relationships are what you might call the silent majority.

Edited May 21, 2015 by northernjohn

[Mudcrab]

Dont send or invest more money than you can afford to lose....

Wow, that's original. Well done!!

[Mudcrab]

I would not recommend getting serious with any Thai woman to anyone, what do you think is in it for you? if you want company get a cat or a dog!

What is your lack of recommendation based on?

How much did she take you for?

[elgordo38]

don't send money....

just try that for 3 months.

21 year old child? how much does he take home after a day's work?

Once your contributing the 21 year old will come home to roost and want to share in the spoils. If it is a boy well that makes it worse they are bigger moochers than the girls. If it is a decent child and at 21 presumably working it (do not know the sex) should be contributing to the mothers comfort. These little restaurants are a hard go and harder to generate money with. They pop up all around our condo last about six months and then pack it in. I came to Thailand wearing the same rose colored glasses you are. Protect your nest egg at all costs.

[krdowney]

NO, JUST NO!

[flyingdoc]

I agree with almost all the posts offering advice. This will NOT work ! That is sure!

First of all, it is totally the wrong kind of investment. Secondly if you want to lose the money then go ahead ! The only way a 5 year long distance relationship would work,

is if the woman concerned actually has some money of her own and does not rely on YOUR investment. I have always said . No money, but want honey ! It works with the right person!

There are masses of lovely women in Thailand without these problems. Sort your life out back home, then choose a really suitable Thai woman with time to make a really good choice !