The Sermon

[A. BOOZER]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1: Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2: There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3: There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4: Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5: Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6: We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7: The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8: David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9: When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10: We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11: When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me”.

12: The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13: The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14: Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.