Dead-beat Issan dads...Sound familiar?

[JimP]

Greetings

 

Why don't Thai/Issan men help take care of their offspring upon divorce?  I was happy to help my step-child in the beginning of my marriage to my Thai wife, but where is the recourse with the biological?  I mean, why can't that POS chip in every month?  Why has it been left to me, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles?    It's not enough to hear my wife say that her father would kill her ex-husband if he ever set foot back on the farm.  I want the <deleted> to put in his fair share to take care of his kid.  I know I'm dreaming that will ever happen, but is there anyone out there who actually gets financial help from an Issan 'man'?

[Briggsy]

I am sure there are plenty of Isaan men putting a great deal of time, effort and money into the future of their children from previous relationships. I know there are. I know there are many Western men who have ignored their responsibilities.

 

The failure to provide financially may be higher amongst Isaan men (I think you are referring to working class Isaan men) than retired farang expats due to :-

1. their social class does not attach a great deal of shame to this behaviour.

2. they genuinely have very little money, certainly less than retired farang expats living in Thailand

3. they are generally more irresponsible in everything than retired farang expats living in Thailand.

 

But it is wrong to paint them all in the same light. Plenty of irresponsible fathers in the UK where I am from.

 

Is it possible you are associating with the bottom of Thailand's barrel? And thus seeing the worst of Thailand?

[isaanbanhou]

2 minutes ago, Briggsy said:

I am sure there are plenty of Isaan men putting a great deal of time, effort and money into the future of their children from previous relationships. I know there are. I know there are many Western men who have ignored their responsibilities.

 

The failure to provide financially may be higher amongst Isaan men (I think you are referring to working class Isaan men) than retired farang expats due to :-

1. their social class does not attach a great deal of shame to this behaviour.

2. they genuinely have very little money, certainly less than retired farang expats living in Thailand

3. they are generally more irresponsible in everything than retired farang expats living in Thailand.

 

But it is wrong to paint them all in the same light. Plenty of irresponsible fathers in the UK where I am from.

 

Is it possible you are associating with the bottom of Thailand's barrel? And thus seeing the worst of Thailand?

 

 

"Is it possible you are associating with the bottom of Thailand's barrel? And thus seeing the worst of Thailand?"

 

A little offensive don't you think? 

[Briggsy]

1 hour ago, isaanbanhou said:

 

 

"Is it possible you are associating with the bottom of Thailand's barrel? And thus seeing the worst of Thailand?"

 

A little offensive don't you think? 

On balance, no.

 

Many farangi hitch their wagon to someone they have met working in the Thai entertainment industry. This person's family background often, using a number of key indicators, places the family in the bottom 20 percentiles of Thai society.

 

The farangus in question then often mistakenly uses the culture and behaviour of his in-laws as his basis for his impression of Thai society. He is of course getting an impression of life in the bottom 20 percentiles of Thai society. The result is his view of Thai society is skewed and inaccurate.

 

[cornishcarlos]

2 hours ago, isaanbanhou said:

 

 

"Is it possible you are associating with the bottom of Thailand's barrel? And thus seeing the worst of Thailand?"

 

A little offensive don't you think? 

 

Not really, just reality... Might sound offensive to a lot of people on here that are in a similar situation, association wise !!

[NanLaew]

9 hours ago, JimP said:

Greetings

 

Why don't Thai/Issan men help take care of their offspring upon divorce?  I was happy to help my step-child in the beginning of my marriage to my Thai wife, but where is the recourse with the biological?  I mean, why can't that POS chip in every month?  Why has it been left to me, the grandparents, the aunts and uncles?    It's not enough to hear my wife say that her father would kill her ex-husband if he ever set foot back on the farm.  I want the <deleted> to put in his fair share to take care of his kid.  I know I'm dreaming that will ever happen, but is there anyone out there who actually gets financial help from an Issan 'man'?

My brother-in-law recently got a divorce from his uber hottie wife. While his marriage was going to pot, he was the one taking care of his son while his wife was fart-arsing about. Now they're divorced, the kid is with him full time and not foisted off on mother or aunties. His ex has a daughter from a previous encounter who has had a medical condition from birth but she'd already dumped that one with her mum. For all her stunning looks, she's a classic case of, "No matter how good she looks, somebody somewhere is sick of her sh!t."

 

He bucks the trend I guess but for the rest of them, it's ignorance masquerading as a 'cultural' issue. Since mis-management in Bangkok are happy with the state of play, there's not too much interest in making things better changing anything.

[geriatrickid]

Maybe the issan man was run off and told to never come back?

[JimP]

8 hours ago, geriatrickid said:

Maybe the issan man was run off and told to never come back?

He was in fact.  My father-in-law told him if he ever set foot on his farm again, he'd kill him.  The little scum-sucker tried to keep in touch via my wife's sister, but with no money coming from him, he was told to <deleted> off.  He's "dead" to his real son, and I along with the other men in the family try to raise him. I just with the biological father would pitch in something.

[JimP]

On 12/21/2017 at 10:25 AM, isaanbanhou said:

 

 

"Is it possible you are associating with the bottom of Thailand's barrel? And thus seeing the worst of Thailand?"

 

A little offensive don't you think? 

What's more offensive? Me offending your fragile sensitivity or a father not taking care of his son?  The latter I think. My in-laws are decent hardworking people.  They are not hi so, but they certainly are not bottom of the barrel. Thanks for blaming my in-laws, though.  

[stupidfarang]

Why worry about what the father is not doing? From the sounds of things it is a lot better for everyone that he is not involved and a lot better for you as well. Be thankful he is not around. Let it go and get on with a happy life.

[OJAS]

On 12/21/2017 at 10:13 AM, Briggsy said:

I am sure there are plenty of Isaan men putting a great deal of time, effort and money into the future of their children from previous relationships.

Conversely there are plenty of non-Isaan men who aren't (like the father of my step-daughters, for instance). So a bit puzzling as to why Isaan men have been singled out by the OP.

[miamiman123]

Not much different than the man in other countries, jobless, homeless, living off someone else or on the streets with no money! Trying to survive. 

Of course he’s responsible too, but what’s he to do. 

[joebrown]

Maybe I'm wrong, but the fact that you, a farang, are 'in the picture' gives the biological father the impression that because his ex-wife's money worries are over, so should his be. Like most Thais he probably sees you as a human ATM supporting his ex-family.

[champers]

Just be happy he is out of the picture and forget about him. If he was not persona non grata your wallet would be lighter, no doubt about that.

[atyclb]

i'm glad i have hobbies

[VBF]

55 minutes ago, atyclb said:

i'm glad i have hobbies

Me too - one of mine is staying single! 

[Laza 45]

I'm not a Christian but there is a lot of wisdom in the Serenity Prayer... Jai yen yen..

 

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

[yardrunner]

On 12/21/2017 at 10:13 AM, Briggsy said:

I am sure there are plenty of Isaan men putting a great deal of time, effort and money into the future of their children from previous relationships. I know there are. I know there are many Western men who have ignored their responsibilities.

 

The failure to provide financially may be higher amongst Isaan men (I think you are referring to working class Isaan men) than retired farang expats due to :-

1. their social class does not attach a great deal of shame to this behaviour.

2. they genuinely have very little money, certainly less than retired farang expats living in Thailand

3. they are generally more irresponsible in everything than retired farang expats living in Thailand.

 

But it is wrong to paint them all in the same light. Plenty of irresponsible fathers in the UK where I am from.

 

Is it possible you are associating with the bottom of Thailand's barrel? And thus seeing the worst of Thailand?

Couldn't agree more about lack of support from fathers in other countries it is not just Thailand and their are good and bad parents in every country

[VBF]

13 minutes ago, yardrunner said:

On 21/12/2017 at 3:13 AM, Briggsy said:

I am sure there are plenty of Isaan men putting a great deal of time, effort and money into the future of their children from previous relationships. I know there are. I know there are many Western men who have ignored their responsibilities.

 

The failure to provide financially may be higher amongst Isaan men (I think you are referring to working class Isaan men) than retired farang expats due to :-

1. their social class does not attach a great deal of shame to this behaviour.

2. they genuinely have very little money, certainly less than retired farang expats living in Thailand

3. they are generally more irresponsible in everything than retired farang expats living in Thailand.

 

But it is wrong to paint them all in the same light. Plenty of irresponsible fathers in the UK where I am from.

 

Is it possible you are associating with the bottom of Thailand's barrel? And thus seeing the worst of Thailand?

Couldn't agree more about lack of support from fathers in other countries it is not just Thailand and their are good and bad parents in every country

@Briggsy  That is probably true - like many Farang, when I first came to Thailand, the only Thais I met were those in the bar industry and perforce there were some not-so-pleasant people amongst them. (Some of course were great!) Since then I've met more people, learned a little Thai and realised that there are good and bad everywhere. Thing is that MOST of us only ever meet people who either choose or are forced financially to work in jobs that  even other Thais look down on. These tend to be less educated and possibly desperate people.We judge by what we see and hear - at least I do.

 

@yardrunner Agreed! The father of 6 year old twins of my acquaintance has run off leaving his ex GF to raise them, helped by his mother - the twin's grandmother. This is in UK where at least there are some State Benefits available. 

Edited January 6, 2018 by VBF

[Scouse123]

56 minutes ago, VBF said:

@Briggsy  That is probably true - like many Farang, when I first came to Thailand, the only Thais I met were those in the bar industry and perforce there were some not-so-pleasant people amongst them. (Some of course were great!) Since then I've met more people, learned a little Thai and realised that there are good and bad everywhere. Thing is that MOST of us only ever meet people who either choose or are forced financially to work in jobs that  even other Thais look down on. These tend to be less educated and possibly desperate people.We judge by what we see and hear - at least I do.

 

@yardrunner Agreed! The father of 6 year old twins of my acquaintance has run off leaving his ex GF to raise them, helped by his mother - the twin's grandmother. This is in UK where at least there are some State Benefits available. 

 

There are jobs many working-class Thais look down on and will not do, hence the numbers of Lao, Cambodian and Myanmar nationals.

 

However, many of the same Thais who look down on this work such as the service industry, construction and fishing and the nationalities working in these industries, prefer to sit at home in Isaarn jobless!!!

 

They then spend their days making a nuisance of themselves visiting friends, who have Foreign partners, trying to borrow money, ( when they have no means to repay) encouraging their friends to go out eating and drinking ( when they have no funds to pay their share) or in general wish to ' hang out ' at the house of their friend with the farang husband, because it is equipped with a large screen TV and FREE Wi-Fi, that they can tap in and use.

 

They then try to go into the fridge without asking and help themselves and then become offended when told that it is not a free 7-11.

 

Welcome to Isaarn.

[geriatrickid]

11 minutes ago, Scouse123 said:

 

There are jobs many working-class Thais look down on and will not do, hence the numbers of Lao, Cambodian and Myanmar nationals.

 

However, many of the same Thais who look down on this work such as the service industry, construction and fishing and the nationalities working in these industries, prefer to sit at home in Isaarn jobless!!!

 

They then spend their days making a nuisance of themselves visiting friends, who have Foreign partners, trying to borrow money, ( when they have no means to repay) encouraging their friends to go out eating and drinking ( when they have no funds to pay their share) or in general wish to ' hang out ' at the house of their friend with the farang husband, because it is equipped with a large screen TV and FREE Wi-Fi, that they can tap in and use.

 

They then try to go into the fridge without asking and help themselves and then become offended when told that it is not a free 7-11.

 

Welcome to Isaarn.

Sounds to me this is the outcome of marrying  a lowend person. It comes with the turf. What you describe is similar in other countries. I doubt this scenario would apply with a professional woman, and I don't mean a former massage girl/beer bar hostess. The men who encounter these issues are not much better themselves. If they are unhappy, they should consider  a better class of companion.

[poanoi]

the purpose of the offspring is to provide a monthly 3k baht back to the family.

but since the man is no longer part of the family, he wont be getting his fair share of those monthly 3k baht, alas, he has zero incentive to pay for a child that will never reimburse him

[LukKrueng]

Seems like most members here don't see the big picture nor do they associate with Thai's who are not in some sort of relationship with non Thai's.

In Thailand, when a family breaks up, usually the kids stay with 1 parent or parent's family, and there is no more contact with the other parent. It has nothing to do with the mother getting married to a farang or to another Thai person. Even if the mother takes the kids and never marries again - there will be no contact with the father

[Ahab]

There are absolutely zero consequences for a Thai man with a child from a "village wedding" hauling ass at anytime he sees fit. The Thai woman has no real recourse and there is not downside for the Thai male.

 

Gee, I wonder why this happens so commonly?

 

 

[473geo]

Do not understand the complaint!! the situation is as it was when the op entered the equation so why start moaning? The time to evaluate was far earlier in the relationship.

Just get on with it man and work to be part of the family that you joined.

 

Jesus talk about Thai men being molly coddled!! Now we have a farang wanting a Thai to contribute to the weekly food bill!

 

 

[Brunolem]

21 minutes ago, 473geo said:

 

Jesus talk about Thai men being molly coddled!! 

 

 

Did he?

When did this encounter (of the third kind) between Jesus and Thai men took place?

[473geo]

1 minute ago, Brunolem said:

Did he?

When did this encounter (of the third kind) between Jesus and Thai men took place?

Apparently Jesus created a good cheap whine same as the op. 

[Brunolem]

On 12/22/2017 at 8:16 PM, JimP said:

He was in fact.  My father-in-law told him if he ever set foot on his farm again, he'd kill him.  The little scum-sucker tried to keep in touch via my wife's sister, but with no money coming from him, he was told to <deleted> off.  He's "dead" to his real son, and I along with the other men in the family try to raise him. I just with the biological father would pitch in something.

I imagine that you have not been living in Isaan for long, otherwise you would hardly notice such an issue.

First, as another member explained above, most Isaan people only marry in the village, with the monks, but never bother to register the union officially.

So there no divorce the way we usually understand it.

Then, as another member explained, children are mostly seen as a future source of income, rather than a source of expenses.

Having said that, it is not only the men who are to blame.

You have no idea how many women leave their children, never to see them again...because, well, it is an inconvenient!

All of my neighbors, and I mean ALL, harbor at least one such child...meaning they have become the de facto parents of children left over by both parents....and by the way no papers have ever been signed to officialize this situation.

I know personaly many of these children who call me poo farang...in the past 15 years, I have been the poo farang of dozens of children, and new ones keep on showing up regularly...

[smotherb]

6 hours ago, miamiman123 said:

Not much different than the man in other countries, jobless, homeless, living off someone else or on the streets with no money! Trying to survive. 

Of course he’s responsible too, but what’s he to do. 

barring debilitating mental or physical problems; get a damn job and support your blood

[ericthai]

3 hours ago, poanoi said:

the purpose of the offspring is to provide a monthly 3k baht back to the family.

 what are you talking about? Who pays 3K a month?