What am I missing?

[falangjim]

In late May I agreed to have my step-son, who is 17 years old, move from Issan to come live with us (wife, two young kids)  in our Bangkok condo.  The stepson brought two friends with him.  I was a little annoyed at not being made aware of this, but since they were already at my door, sure.  They stayed for three weeks, in and out of a factory job working less than three days.  When I gently pushed that the other two boys should really leave (go back home, find a relative in Bangkok to stay at), all three of the boys left to look for more interesting work, which eventually fell through.  Less than a week later my stepson returned, and he was welcomed back.  But then one of his buddies came a few days later. So all in all, about 6 weeks of shuffling in and out of my condo.  I can't help feel I am being taken advantage of.  Not a single baht in compensation from the parents of the two other boys, or any real gratitude.  I'm told this is Thai culture.  Is it?  

 

I feel I have been more than fair taking on a step-son, but his friends?  

 

 

[rott]

Combination of yes that is the way.things are done and the assumption that you can well afford it. Will.only change when and if you say enough is enough. Then quite likely it will start all over again.

[Morch]

Quote

I'm told this is Thai culture

 

Told by whom?

 

Step son, probably yes. His buddies? At your discretion. You're not obligated.

As long as you do not clearly say enough is enough, nothing will change though.

 

And anyway, how much one accepts Thai ways is a personal choice.

Many things are easy to adapt to or shrug off, some not so much.

 

I find that a whole lot of these issues are better handled if making things clear with the Mrs. beforehand.

She's usually better at "translating" things to "Thai ways" in a more acceptable manner.

[falangjim]

19 minutes ago, rott said:

Combination of yes that is the way.things are done and the assumption that you can well afford it. Will.only change when and if you say enough is enough. Then quite likely it will start all over again.

Thanks for an intelligent and polite response.  Three 'waves' of this kind of behavior with my wife's friends sticking around a little longer than expected has happened in as many years.  Obviously, the assumption is part of the problem.  And the fact is, I can well afford it.  I did say enough is enough and they all left, which wasn't really the idea.  The idea is to have my stepson stay. 

 

11 minutes ago, Maradona 10 said:

Just man up, stop being such a pussy, and tell them that they cannot stay. 

Go <deleted> yourself.

[Maradona 10]

20 minutes ago, falangjim said:

Thanks for an intelligent and polite response.  Three 'waves' of this kind of behavior with my wife's friends sticking around a little longer than expected has happened in as many years.  Obviously, the assumption is part of the problem.  And the fact is, I can well afford it.  I did say enough is enough and they all left, which wasn't really the idea.  The idea is to have my stepson stay. 

 

Go <deleted> yourself.

Well that isn't a very civil way to respond to advice. Maybe you should use this type of bravado to tell these fells's where to go, or are you only brave from behind the safety of a keyboard?

[FritsSikkink]

14 minutes ago, Maradona 10 said:

Well that isn't a very civil way to respond to advice. Maybe you should use this type of bravado to tell these fells's where to go, or are you only brave from behind the safety of a keyboard?

Maybe he could write them a message in line when they are out and lock the door.

[Maradona 10]

7 minutes ago, FritsSikkink said:

Maybe he could write them a message in line when they are out and lock the door.

Sound advice, and then block them so they can't reply threatening to tear his head off.

[chippendale]

Man up, stop letting people trample over you and laugh behind your back.

[AlexRich]

Why not just tell your wife "no"? And tell your stepson never to bring anyone to stay without your permission in advance. If you don't set the ground rules then they will all set them for you. Thai's are humans just like the rest of us, and a Thai step-father would do likewise.

[Will27]

Tell the wife that the stepson is more than welcome and that's it.

 

Does she know you're unhappy about the situation?

If she is and does nothing about it,  you've got a bigger problem than you think IMO.

[impulse]

44 minutes ago, Maradona 10 said:

Well that isn't a very civil way to respond to advice. Maybe you should use this type of bravado to tell these fells's where to go, or are you only brave from behind the safety of a keyboard?

 

Is it reasonable to call a guy you've never met a pussy and expect a civil response? 

 

Also, I wouldn't characterize your post as "advice".  More of a disrespectful and useless platitude.

 

[tifino]

 

you are competing against the combined forces of a somchai manchild and his 'mumma mumma'

 

the smudged lines will never become clear to 'you'

https://youtu.be/TRuAKWJ8Ets

https://youtu.be/TRuAKWJ8Ets

Edited July 2, 2018 by tifino

[Maradona 10]

1 minute ago, impulse said:

 

Is it reasonable to call a guy you've never met a pussy and expect a civil response? 

 

Also, I wouldn't characterize your post as "advice".  More of a disrespectful and useless platitude.

 

It depends on how fragile the OP is. Some would take it as 'locker room talk' other delicate fragile souls would take it personally. Fairly obvious which side of the equation the OP falls on.

 

Very cute for you to stick up for him though, but I'm sure he can fight his own battles. 

[Lacessit]

The OP needs to explain to his wife this type of behaviour from the stepson is not acceptable. She has to take it from there. No point in explaining it to the stepson, most Thai males feel they can do whatever they like.

[BobbyL]

?

 

How do people allow these things to happen.

 

Tell them to leave. It is your condo, your rules. 

[Odysseus123]

12 minutes ago, BobbyL said:

?

 

How do people allow these things to happen.

 

Tell them to leave. It is your condo, your rules. 

Yes,ultimately (in my experience) it comes down to that.

 

Bludging Thai males-and their mothers- are in a class of their own.

Edited July 2, 2018 by Odysseus123

[kingkenny]

Find a sexy Uni girl and move her in to the spare room, tell your wife you are helping with her studies.

 

The results will be no more step son and his mates, and you will gain eye candy in the condo and a wife that wants to drain your balls daily to stop you straying.

 

Free advice mate, people should pay me for such advice.

[PatOngo]

2 hours ago, falangjim said:

I feel I have been more than fair taking on a step-son, but his friends?  

When are their girlfriends joining them?

[Kadilo]

1 minute ago, PatOngo said:

When are their girlfriends joining them?

More like their parents. 

[BEVUP]

The problem is it is the typical attitude of the Isaan

 

Half of them just drift around finding where ever to stay - & guess what, since mum has a place that will be one of them

 

Also the visitors don't seem to be to interested in working as they tried twice whilst there 

 

I wont let anyone stay longer then 2 days - It's called a visit (they had all their chances & blew it )

 

I know it's difficult for my self to get work & everything you have to go through/put up with, then you see the drifters coming along as though there's no thought of tomorrow 

 

17, wife & 2 kids (that's the mentality ), but Isaan women think it's good to have them young. So I guess at the end of the day they should PO & look after them

 

Wife wanted to bring mother to stay since she ate a lot of Mangoes that put her in hospital dew to Diabetes 

She wasn't on the death bed & was managing out in the village ok with a daughter of my wifes sister looking after her.

I woke up to that, as i would of been wearing all the costs ( I already give 2000 mth ), ect/ect 

Then the rest of the clan would want to stay every time they're in town 

[hansnl]

46 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

The OP needs to explain to his wife this type of behaviour from the stepson is not acceptable. She has to take it from there. No point in explaining it to the stepson, most Thai males feel they can do whatever they like.

Best advise?

Tell them to go and find their own place and a job.

If the son wants to come back, find a job first, then you comeback but pay your share of the rent, electric, water an food.

Then see what happens.

[FritsSikkink]

50 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

The OP needs to explain to his wife this type of behaviour from the stepson is not acceptable. She has to take it from there. No point in explaining it to the stepson, most Thai males feel they can do whatever they like.

Nonsense, don't always hide behind your wife and man up. Tell him yourself if you have any self respect you as the man of the house takes care of things.

[scorecard]

1 hour ago, Will27 said:

Tell the wife that the stepson is more than welcome and that's it.

 

Does she know you're unhappy about the situation?

If she is and does nothing about it,  you've got a bigger problem than you think IMO.

 

Agree, perhaps (and your choice of course), go out of your way to make the stepson feel welcome, feel like he's family, but keep up the point about him only. Objective: make him feel that he wants to be 'family' with a dad who supports him and cares. E.g., check if he needs anything when he's going for a job interview, etc., etc.

 

Overall probably not resolved quickly, it will take time and perhaps more bumps along the way.

 

 

.

Edited July 2, 2018 by scorecard

[helloagain]

Kick them all out including g/f then change the locks and tell condo staff

[helloagain]

Kick them all out and tell wife enough is enough. If she let them back in then you will go if you just rent.

[impulse]

18 minutes ago, FritsSikkink said:

1 hour ago, Lacessit said:

The OP needs to explain to his wife this type of behaviour from the stepson is not acceptable. She has to take it from there. No point in explaining it to the stepson, most Thai males feel they can do whatever they like.

Nonsense, don't always hide behind your wife and man up. Tell him yourself if you have any self respect you as the man of the house takes care of things.

 

His relationship is with his wife.  Hers is with the kid.  Pretty risky injecting yourself between a Mom and her son, especially when the desired result is for the kid to be gone.   There's all kinds of ways that could go sideways and splash back on what could have been a happy home.

 

[OmarZaid]

change the locks

[tifino]

 

somchai manchild does get to you after a little while

so, surely it gets to her too?

 

but then she's had him all his adult life...

 

well, I show know....

as I have voiced the 'mumma mumma' at her somchai manchild relative (in front of her) - and it seems to get to her then!!

 

Edited July 2, 2018 by tifino

[FritsSikkink]

22 minutes ago, impulse said:

 

His relationship is with his wife.  Hers is with the kid.  Pretty risky injecting yourself between a Mom and her son, especially when the desired result is for the kid to be gone.   There's all kinds of ways that could go sideways and splash back on what could have been a happy home.

 

If you marry the wife, you have a relationship and responsibility with the kid too. If you are happy to let a kid taking the piss because you are afraid your wife gets angry, you either have a wife who isn't worth being one or you have no spine.

[tifino]

3 minutes ago, FritsSikkink said:

If you marry the wife, you have a relationship and responsibility with the kid too. If you are happy to let a kid taking the piss because you are afraid your wife gets angry, you either have a wife who isn't worth being one or you have no spine.

 

and in our scenario; the subject manchild (nephew somchai) is a 2nd Engineer on a cargo ship operating out of Sri Racha