Growing old...

 

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherf***er in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks down to see a 6'4 300lb guy and says "Well, I don't think I can do that. What's the other two parts?"

"After that, you have to go outside. Around back is where we keep Big Jim's dog. He's the baddest junkyard dog you've ever seen. You have to go get a tooth out of his mouth. And then, when you're done with that you have to go upstairs. There you'll find Big Jim's mom. She's 70 years old and never had an orgasm in her life. You've gotta go up there and **** her to completion."

The man says "Wow, I can see why the jar is so full."

After a few hours of drinking the man get sloppy drunk and says "**** it," slaps down a $100 and jumps up on the bar and runs down and kicks Big Jim square in the jaw knocking him out cold. The bartender is stunned, as this is the furthest anyone has made it. The man runs outside to the cheers of the patrons and everyone hears snarling and growling and grows silent. Moments later they hear the dog whimper and then yelp, then nothing.

Moments later the man drunkenly stumbles back in and says "Alright, now where's the old lady with the tooth?"

These days it seems banks know everything about you. When I tried to pay for a 12 months gym membership,

they stopped the card and called me to say it had been stolen.

I must say I feel a sense of pride in how enthusiastic the inmates have been towards my attempt to promote healthy eating in women's prisons.
But also slightly disappointed that they felt the need to steal the 200 cucumbers I donated to the cause.

The first rule of crossword club is (3,2,3,4,5,9,4)

Is it possible to buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Einsteins theory of you not touching this:
E = MCHammer.

I must say, microbiologists are bigger than I thought they would be.

I rang up a sex line the other day and the woman said "What can I do for you"
I said "Call me back, its cheaper".

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

Did the civilisation of ancient Egypt break down because it was essentially just a massive pyramid scheme?

After buying my son a kite for Christmas we decided to take it out today and he insisted on having first go.
If anybody in Isan see's a kite with a 2 year old hanging from it can you call the police?

It was a bit chilly at my mate's U2 themed fancy dress party,
so I put a beanie hat on to take the edge off.

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said: "Like a chicken, but it can swim”

I said to the woman in the cafe, “how much for your sausage rolls?”
“2 for a pound.” She said.
I said “how much for one?”
She said “75p”
I said “I’ll have the other one”

Australian immigration called me today to say my son was stopped trying to enter the country without any vaccination documents.
Considering how windy it was, probably not a good idea to let a two year old take control of the kite yesterday.

For the life of her, Martha couldn't figure out exactly where she'd mislaid her cell phone!