They aren’t making yard sticks any longer.

I set a personal best in the 100m yesterday.

63m

A vicar ran out of petrol but had no spare fuel tank.
By the side of the road he saw an old kid's potty that someone had thrown away. He walked to the nearest petrol station, filled it and walked back.
As he was pouring it into his car's fuel tank, an old lady saw him and said 'Oh vicar, I wish I had your faith!

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill, The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live, there's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'

'Bloody hell’ says the bingo caller.

'You've won the raffle as well !!”

I went to a light opera last night.

It was all over when the thin lady sang.

My mate hung himself in a modern art gallery.
It was 3 weeks before anyone noticed.

The last time I went to Blackpool I went on a donkey.

It took me 3 days to get there.

A frog, who wondered about his ancestry, went for a DNA test.

As it turned out; he was mainly French, but a tad Pole.

A leopard can't change their spots.
Because they never keep their receipts.

I told my friend I was having a fancy dress party last night and he turned up dressed like a fish, smelling of smoke.
He was done up like a kipper.

I watched a beauty contest in Swansea while I was on holiday. The girl who won had 36 double D's.

Even by Welsh standards, that's a long surname.