Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? I hear you ask.

I'm depressed.

I thought growing old would take longer.

I ordered some bread rolls that were so shiny I took them back the baker to complain.

I went in with all buns glazing.

Legless parrot available, free to a good home...

No perches necessary.

Last time I went to the airport I queued up at a table with some birds laying eggs on it.

I’d gone to the chicken desk by mistake.

The blonde girl had to get rid of her vibrator.

It kept chipping her teeth.

A blonde goes to the Dr with scalded feet.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"I decided to try some tinned sponge pudding and followed the instructions carefully.
It said “Pierce can and stand in boiling water”"

I've got a French Bulldog.

I'm always letting him out for a oui.

I tried blowing up parliament using a bunch of bad cheese jokes.

It was the pun Gouda plot.

If you have a bar, you need lemons. If you have melons, you need a bra.

I just learnt who the patron saint of copying people into emails is:-

St Francis of a CC

A young guy walks into a bar and orders 3 whiskys in quick succession.

Curious - the barman asks what's the occasion.

"My first BJ"

The barman offered the lad a drink on the house to celebrate.

"Nah, it's alright" he replied.

"If the first 3 don't get rid of the taste, another one won't help".

 

USA has not adopted the Metric system

 

But yet they have Metric motorcycles.