I’m just on my way to fix Cat Stevens’ caravan.
Awning has broken.

A pirate came up to me and said that he had lost his crows nest.

I said, 'that's your lookout'

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a harp.
My mate told me the costume was too small to be a harp.
I said to him “Are you calling me a lyre?”

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.

I'm hosting a party for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can't come, let me know.

I went on a date recently and she asked,
"Any pets?"... I said, "Yes, a goldfish".
"Any hobbies?"...
I said - "Yes, he likes swimming".

My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking, Apparently slimming world was not the right answer.
 

My wife cannot stop talking. I thought she had a beauty spot on her jaw, but it was a grease nipple.

My mate once set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!!..

I asked the librarian if she had any books by Shakespeare. Which one she asked ? William I answered.

I remember years ago telling my Mum I’d won the Leslie Nielsen Award at school.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that’s not important".

A group of army officers from a certain cantonment were sent far out of town for a week long training camp.

On the last day, when they were winding up the camp to get back home, all other officers decided to pull a prank on the junior-most officer, a newly married Lieutenant. 

 

They put a pack of condoms in his bag without him noticing it.

 

When the Lieutenant got home, his wife found the condoms while unpacking his stuff.

 

When confronted, the Lieutenant realized the prank and simply said, *"All of us got this complimentary from Headquarters. I didn't use mine . . . , others did."*

 

For over 2 weeks now, the whole cantonment is in a turmoil, as other wives are demanding explanations from their husbands !!