Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burnt nasal hair?

CAN THE MODS DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED ON HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN UNCOMPROMISING POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING A NEW PHONE IN EXCHANGE FOR ONLINE SEXUAL FAVOURS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN OLD PHONE, AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK. THANK YOU!

I went on a 'Communist Nudist Weekend', and I was chatting to a bloke next to me.
"Have you read Marx?" he enquired.
"Yeah," I said. "I think it's these wicker chairs."

I'm taking this wine box back to complain. It says clearly on the box once opened will last six weeks, it only lasted three days.

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, some days I think I'm a yurt, but other days I think I'm a wigwam".

"You need to relax," says the doctor, "you're two tents".