My friend told me to put all my money on a horse named Landfill.
It was a rubbish tip.

My mate’s dad used to dig up old car parts.

He was a Morris miner.

Priest's Retirement Speech

  
A Priest was being honoured at his Retirement Dinner after spending several years in the Parish.
                             
The leading local Politician  was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the farewell Dinner.
 
However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 

He commenced with: “Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour !!” 
  
“I got my first impression of this Parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional, and whom I shall not name, told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it, snatched gold chains from ladies. He had stolen money from his parents;  embezzled from his employer;  had an affair with his Boss’s wife;  taken illegal Drugs; had several Homosexual affairs;  was arrested several times for public nudity.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.  But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” 
  
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the Politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 
  
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the Politician. 
 “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for a confession.” 
  

 

14 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I went to a taxidermy class last night.
It only lasted for 30 minutes, but they still managed to cram a lot in.
 

Oh, do get stuffed!