Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested.

“We can’t” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”

“Aah that sign,” said Jim “don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door.

As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.”

"Can’t you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”

But it’s a doberman pinscher, who uses a doberman pinscher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked.

“Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”

Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”

Thinking quickly, John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

I've quit my office job.  The bloke on the desk next to mine said "Can I use your Dictaphone?"

 said "Absolutely not, use your finger like everyone else!"

Two women having a glass of wine by the pool, on a fine sunny afternoon.
Guest woman ask the host: "Where's your husband?"
"We've had a bad argument last night, he's in the garden", host respond.
Guest: "I just came from there and I didn't see him".
Host: "Did you dig?"

I accidentally dropped my entire Viagra prescription in the toilet.

Couldn't get the damn seat to stay down for 2 days.

23 hours ago, DezLez said:

I'm really itching for some more but it's not near enough to Christmas!

I'll trade you tow blind ones for one with no teeth....