On 8/8/2022 at 10:30 AM, ballpoint said:

A woman decides to test her three Son in-laws for their good nature.
For this, She goes for a walk by a river with the 1st Son-In-Law and jumps in. He saves her.
Next morning he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: " From your Mother-In-Law".

Later she goes for a walk by the river with the 2nd Son-In-Law and jumps in. He too saves her.
Next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: "From your Mother-In-Law".

Next day she goes for a walk by the river with the 3rd Son-In-Law & jumps in. He ignores her and walks away.

Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note: " From your Father-In-Law!"

Sons-in-law. ????????????

I know you'll get me sometime. ????

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.”
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
Is it raisin for you too?” “No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s quivering a little.”
 

My tutor has accused me of plagiarism.

Her words, not mine.

BBC cancels weather forecast broadcasts for the next 48 hours!
As temperatures are below average for the time of year and significant rain fell in parts of the UK last night, normal service will be resumed when levels of hysteria can be raised once again.

A Tasmanian girl goes to the chemist and asks for a pack of condoms,
"You won't need them. " said the pharmacist, "your dad came in and got a packet earlier."

Just been offered a job as a Noise Pollution Officer...

But I had to turn it down.

I got a text from my boss.
"Send me one of your funny jokes", it said.
"I can't, I'm working" I texted back.
He replied "that was fantastic, send me another".

To try and keep up with this fast paced world, I bought a microwave fireplace.

Now I can relax all night long, in just 8 minutes.

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

“No doubt about it,” one deputy said to the other. “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home, found his wife in bed with somebody else, and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

“You’re right,” the other deputy replied. “Double murder and suicide. But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say ‘it could have been worse.”

“No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn’t be worse. You’re on.”

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.

“No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home, found his wife in bed with somebody else, and shot them both. Then he shot himself.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. “But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse??”

“Yes it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in that bed!”