I thought this new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knickers’ drawer (don't ask that is just one of my things) and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform amongst others, I finally decided:

if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me. 
 

Another male foot in mouth induced hospital admission!

 

Wife: "I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate." 

Husband: "Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier."
Wife: "But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes."
Husband: "Honey anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving."

 

The very last knock-knock joke.

 

"Knock knock."

 

"Who's there?"

 

"The doorbell repairman."

On 11/7/2019 at 3:36 PM, scottiejohn said:

No It's Scottish so it would be a Macaw!

It's a Kiwi ye daft <deleted>.

 

 

24 minutes ago, Dexlowe said:

It's a Kiwi ye daft <deleted>.

 

 

He doesn't look very fruity to me to be a kiwi.  Are you sure its the real McCoy?

This can end in disastrous results !!

 

 

Did you hear about the mathematician who wanted to find a solution to his constipation? He eventually worked it out with a pencil and paper.

 

Is it that time already ??

 

 

 

Never too early for a cat joke ????

100 % proof that Americans were on the moon!

 

Somchai...

3 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Cat strangling by numbers.

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree. 

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." 

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" 

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you deservedly won firrrst prrrize!" 

PS; Translation for Sassenachs;  'Kilt' is Scottish for 'killed'!

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" 

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" 

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" 

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls." 

The Scotsman yells even louder,

"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!" 
 

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time
He goes for a hike and sees a moose for the first time.

He asks the park ranger, 
“Oi! What animal is that then?” 
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied. 
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman,

“If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

Before one of you posts it!

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.' The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.' The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.' The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

 

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'