My first wife died horribly in a works accident at the Nescafe factory - she drowned in a large vat of coffee – an unusual death but at least it was instant!

I've been trying to lose weight recently, with some success. Yesterday I went for a long walk along the Blackpool promenade and lost lost 300 calories.

 

A seagull stole my Mars bar.

 

 

 

I went to a journalist friend’s house for dinner and he’d put stickers over his ketchup and mustard bottles. Apparently he likes to keep all his sauces anonymous.

THE £50 pound note.

 

It's a slow day in a small country village and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

 

A tourist visiting the area drives through the village, stops at the hotel, and lays a £50 pound note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

 

(Now ... pay attention)

 

The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier.

 

The guy at the supplier takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

 

Now, the hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

 

The hotel proprietor then places the £50 back on the counter so the traveller will not suspect anything.

 

At that moment the traveller comes back down the stairs, stating that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the £50 pound note and leaves.

 

No one produced anything and no one earned anything!

However ... the whole village now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee!

 

And that, my friend, is how a government works!

8 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

It's Panto season - Oh yes it is!

 

Why is Cinderella rubbish at football? Her coach was a pumpkin.

 

A pantomime horse walks into a bar. The barman says “would you like a pint?” The horse says, “no, two halves”.

 

Why does Dick Whittington have a beard? Because nine out of ten owners know that their cats prefer whiskers.

 

I had a job as part of a pantomime horse team once, but I quit when I was a head.

 

I asked the librarian for a book on pantomimes. He said, “It’s behind you”.

 

 

Panto season (Oh yes it is!) By Carl

MERRY CHRISTMAS????
It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted

Moral:

There is no moral to this story.  It all happened  because  of snowflakes  ????