To all those I gave books to for Christmas:
They're due back at the Library soon.

Just a reminder.

A Northern Territory farm hand radio’s back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. He's OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars.
The big problem is that he’s wriggling, hollering and squealing so much, I can't get the fecka out."
The Manager says,
"OK Benji, there's a .303 Rifle behind the truck seat. Take it, shoot the pig twice in the head, and then you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later, Benji the farm hand calls back,
"I did what you said Boss. Took the .303 Rifle from behind the truck seat and I shot the pig twice in the head and removed him from the truck’s roo-bars.
So that's ok, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the <deleted> problem"..??? raged the Manager.
"Well Boss, it's his big shiny, motor-bike. The flashing blue light is still going and it’s damn stuck under the right-front wheel arch".
"Boss, Boss”. . . !?
*
“You still there boss?”

Man walks into the chemist and picks up a packet of condoms.

Takes them to the counter.

Sales assistant asks "Do you want a bag with them?"

He replies, "No thanks, she's not that ugly."

A big game hunter went on a Safari with his Wife and Mother-in-Law.
One morning while still deep in the jungle, the hunter’s wife awakened to find her Mother gone.
She woke her husband and they both set off in search of the elderly woman.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight ... the mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a Lion.
”What are we going to do?” his horrified wife asked.
”Nothing,’ her Husband replied, “The Lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it!"

I was kidnapped by mimes once.

They did unspeakable things to me.

I've just seen on a story on the news about teenagers consuming Nitrous Oxide out of canisters.

Are they having a laugh?

A man is in England, and he notices three rather large ladies sitting at the bar in a pub he’s in. He walks up to them, notices they’re speaking in a particular brogue and asks, “are you three ladies from Scotland?” “Wales!” one of them snaps back. So,he replies, “are you three whales from Scotland?’ He’s still recovering in the ICU.

.