A Expert on Wasps is walking down the street on his way to a convention, when he pass a music store and in the window it says 'Just Released, New LP, American Wasps & the sounds that they make. Available Now!' Unable to resist the Expert goes into the shop and says, "I am the world expert on American wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd like to listen to the LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly" the shop owner says, "let me get you headphones" and they go to the booth, where puts the LP. on for the Expert.

Five minutes later he comes out and says, "I am a world expert on American wasps and the sounds that they make and I do not recognize any of those." The shop keeper says "I'm sorry, I can give you ten more minutes in the booth." 

The Expert goes back in booth, ten minutes later he comes out and says, "I am a world expert on American wasps and the sounds they make and I can not recognize none of those." The shop keeper says "I'm sorry, I can give you fifteen more minutes in the booth." 

The Expert goes back in the booth. Fifteen minutes later, the Expert comes out of the booth shaking his head. 'I don't understand it, I am a world expert on American wasps and the sounds that they make, and I still can't recognize any of those!'
 

The shop owner looks at the LP and says to the Expert."I'm so sorry, I just realized I was playing you the B side."

Last night, I gave my wife a medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.

She always said that she wanted a night in, shining armour.

At a wedding ceremony, a shy priest greets the wedding guests into the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much...

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy again and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches the him and asks, "Why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

"I know..." Says the priest, " That was my altar ego".

1 hour ago, MJCM said:

Last night, I gave my wife a medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub.

She always said that she wanted a night in, shining armour.

Does that mean she had a good night in?

A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

31 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Does that mean she had a good night in?

I hope she had ????
 

but he didn’t on his return from the pub that is 

The no smoking with kids in the car law is ridiculous. Just look at them standing out there in the rain...