Hey Bubba, got me a new job selling furniture.

That’s mighty nice Carl Ray. Where about?

Place called Sofa King. Yup, the couch was sofa king comfortable.

My neighbour said I'm a bit of a looker

Well, Voyeur was the term she actually used.

The Devon and Cornwall music festival has been cancelled.
They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches,

It doesn’t though, it just sh*ts on the floor.

My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life.

I didn't believe him at first, but I went yesterday and I feel ten years older already.

I took a really old Golden Retriever on the Antiques Roadshow.

It didn't fetch much.

I was driving past my 97 year old Gran's house today and saw 16 pints of milk on her doorstep.
I thought, "WOW! She must be thirsty today."

Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?

Our helpline is open 24/7.

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

I said to the doctor, "I'm worried as whenever I go to visit my mother she gets my name wrong."
He looked up at me sympathetically and asked, "Is it Alzheimer's?"
I looked back at him in disgust and replied, "No, It's Ron".

Last night I got a flat tyre. I eased my vehicle over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out, and opened the boot.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a police car pulls up behind me. The officer gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tyre", I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him.........

"Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Seeing as we all need to do our bit for the planet.

I’ve just unplugged a row of electric cars no one was using

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