.

Good as new...

 

Still looking for that 10mm socket...

 

Islamophobic, anti-Muslim sentiment, attempt at humour, removed

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up

past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic." Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the ............. difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

 

 

 

 

On the eve of the couple's tenth wedding anniversary, the still slim

wife was bragging about her figure. "You know honey," she said, "I can

still get into the skirts I had before we were married."

"Yeah ?" the husband replied as he turned his attention back to the

ball game on TV. "I wish to hell I could."

One night, the rock group Fleetwood Mac spent a night in a motel and before going to bed they decided to switch partners. Next morning, the guitarist said to the drummer, "I'm glad we tried that, let's go into the other room and see how the girls did"

My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back. Half way through he said,
……."Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said
"For goodness sake, give me a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"

The Self-Deprecation Society is now accepting new members.
I've already put myself down.

My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position

I asked our local librarian if they had any books on the Titanic she said yes, lots of them.

I said well you won't be getting them back will you?

I accidentally paid for my groceries with my library card.
My macaroni cheese is due back next Friday.

The Government is going to ban kids using Nitrous Oxide to stop Anti-social behaviour.

That makes me laugh!

The large pane of glass fell out of my front window & smashed, I called a glazier & he replaced it. Two days later the glass fell out again so I called the glazier back. While he was replacing the glass again I asked him why my glass keeps falling out he said “its quite common around here it’s down to an animal going round eating the linseed oil in the bonding that holds the glass in place”,
I said “an animal? What kind of animal?”

He said “its a cat. A putty cat”

I said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis."
He said, "Oh what, the one with Adolf in?"
I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis."