3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

On a bad day it is s%%t!

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

How many bones to the mile?

I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

They're too fast. I'd never win.

 

Three guys are sitting around the campfire exchanging their worst experiences. 

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

 

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a tour bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

 

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said in a bit of a high squeaky voice,

"Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a sh!t, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into *the* position."

"Yeah? What happened next?" asks his friend.

"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my wedding tackle."

The other guy says, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst thing that ever happened to you?"

He calmly replied,

 

"Oh, that would be when I ran away screaming and reached the end of the chain."

People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

Jewish Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”

Scottish Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”

Man tries to open a bank account.

Teller asks him, “Your name?”
So he spells it 

“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”

“Oh, you have a bad stutter?”

“No, my dad did, but the person, who made up my birth certificate, was a complete moron!”

On 6/17/2023 at 9:05 AM, scottiejohn said:

In some parts of the world people eat little bent pieces of wire for breakfast — it’s their staple diet.
 

Have to ask the Mods to pin that one ????

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Reminds me of.....

Q: How do you tell what clan a Scotsman belongs to?

A: Stick your hand up his kilt - if he's got a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald

16 minutes ago, VBF said:

Reminds me of.....

Q: How do you tell what clan a Scotsman belongs to?

A: Stick your hand up his kilt - if he's got a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald

And if it is just a little pinkie you finally find then it's an Englishman in disguise!

 

 

PS's

Battle of Pinkie - Wikipedia

Little finger - Wikipedia

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came over and they gave their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'The chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,

'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

 

You're gonna LOVE me for this....

 

The third piggy says -

'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"