An elderly couple, Mary and Declan, live in Cork.

Declan always wanted a pair of authentic riding boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Mary looks him over, ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Declan storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Mary looks up and says, ‘Declan , what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.’

Furious, Declan yells, AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARY?

‘Nope’ she replies.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!’ Declan yells.

To which Mary replies…”Shoulda bought a hat, Declan . Shoulda bought a hat.”

Our six-year-old handed us a note. His teacher had called my wife and I in for an emergency meeting. We asked our son if he had any idea why, and he said, "She

didn't like a drawing I did."

We went in the next day.

His teacher pulled the drawing below out and said, "I asked him to draw his familv and he drew this. Would you mind explaining?"

"Not at all." my wife said. "Family vacation. Snorkeling off the Bahamas.

Ouch!

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

Moral Of The Story
 A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

 

 A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

 

 Moral of the Story:

 

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 

Psychiatrist: What seems to be the problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long as this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I came out of my shell.
 

Ronnie Barker:
And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion.

But first, the news:

The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister's question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
 

Animal Cunning

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,

"Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says,

 

"I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
 

His wife thinks he's the salt of the earth.

That's why she keeps him in the cellar.
 

On 6/22/2023 at 7:13 AM, Thailand said:

They don't make 'em like Bernard Manning any more....and when they do they get censored! ????

23 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

ART AND LITERATURE: WORLD’S SHORTEST BOOKS
A Guide to French Hospitality

True answers to political questions by any politician

Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific

Different Ways to Spell Bob
Everything Men Know About Women
Everything Women Know About Men
Staple Your Way to Success
The Amish Phone Directory
The Australian Book of Foreplay
The Book of French Military Victories
The Engineers’ Guide to Fashion
The Lawyers Code of Ethics
The Ronald Reagan Memoirs
The Very Best of German Humour
Things I Can’t Afford by Elon Musk
Guide to Cities Without at least one Starbucks/McDonalds/7-11/KFC

Party Planning by Boris Johnson?

 

11 minutes ago, VBF said:

Party Planning by Boris Johnson?

 

You misread the title!

It is the list for Shortest, not longest books!

Boris does however get an entry into the shortest list with his book entitled.

"My truthful political answers"

 

 

 

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Apparently it's a hard life being a western woman in Thailand............

 

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A couple of extremely poor taste memes concerning the sub implosion have been removed.