.

How far away are they?

Why did Lady Gaga cross the road?
Because she was wearing the chicken.

Lady Gaga Performed at the Prison today.
Might I say that the Audience were Captivated.

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

Boy calls 999.

Hello? I need your help!

Operator; Alright, What seems to be the problem son?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

Operator; So what's your emergency with that, are they using weapons or something?

 

Boy: No! Not that it's the big fat ugly one is winning.

MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED:
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl!

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500.
Before they started, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

So they did it!

 

On the way to his office he regretted what he had promised, deciding that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.
Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large for me.

 

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately replied with the following note:
Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of heat available if you have the wherewithal and know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, actually, of regular size, but since you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, you can hardly blame the landlady!

It's this modern age I know but I've got a date with a woman who identifies as a wheelie bin,

but I can't remember if I'm taking her out Tuesday or Wednesday.

I always keep emergency flares in my car.

You never know when you might get invited to a 70's disco

As me and the missus headed off on a romantic holiday, we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed."

So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase.

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"
Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer

I went to the doctors he said "I see you have an iron deficiency."
I said "how can you tell"
he said "Your shirt's really creased"

Phil Oakey is a singer in the Human League but not a lot of people know his sister Carrie.

She can be heard in most pubs on a Friday.

I cant believe that Netflix have cancelled "Vivaldi" after only four seasons.

My local gym has just closed down.

Now I have to find another one not to go to.