6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

RIP.

I bought a 24ct gold necklace the other day, but when I put it on my skin started going a funny blue colour,
so I suspected it was fake.
Turns out it was a bracelet.

I told my wife that I was opening a strip club.

She said, "Are you having me on???"

I said, "I'll give you an audition, but I can't promise anything."

I used to be chief executive of a large non-profit-making organisation, but they let me go.
We weren't supposed to be one.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read any of it.

How God turned a rib into a loudspeaker is still a mystery to me......

I look more like my mother than my father.
He didn't look like her at all.

When my wife walked in from work I passed her a huge bunch of flowers.
She dropped her bag, gave me a huge cuddle, kissed me and told me she loved me.
"I love you too but could you take them next door.
They were delivered earlier but she wasn't in."

As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again."
"No thanks," I replied, "I'm full."

Instead of a swear jar,
I have a negativity jar.
Every time I have pessimistic thoughts I put £1 in.
It’s currently half empty

Politics defined very simply...

 

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSN8xXT6x/

The missus and I have both made those lists of 5 people that we're allowed to sleep with if we ever get the opportunity. She's picked Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Jeremy Renner, Kiefer Sutherland and Paul Hollywood. I've gone for her sister, her cousin, her best mate, our next door neighbour and the fit bird from the Co-op.

HAVE YOU GOT SEX INSURANCE.
You can now get sex insurance in the UK so make sure you get correct insurance for the sex you are having . Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:

1.  Sex with your wife - legal and general.
2.  Sex on the telephone - direct line.
3.  Sex with your partner-standard life.
4.  Sex with someone different - go compare.
5.  Sex with a lady of generous proportions -more than.
6. Sex on the back seat of a car - Sheila's wheels.
7.  Sex with a prostitute - commercial Union .
8. Sex with your maid -employers liability.
9. Sex with an oap - saga .
10. Sex resulting in pregnancy - general accident.
11. Sex with animals - National Farmers Union.
12. Sex with a monk- Abbey Life
13. Sex with Navy Officers- Admiral Group.
AND FINALLY
14. Sex with a transvestite - confused. Com
Make sure you are adequately covered

1 hour ago, Crossy said:

He was great in Blazing Saddles, too.

2 hours ago, Crossy said:

7