So Jim goes to confession and tells his priest that he swore.

The priest asks how this came to be.

Jim says he was golfing and hit a drive that was easily going to be 250 yards. But it hit a telephone wire and dropped.

"So that's when you swore?" asked the priest.

"No," says Jim. "A squirrel ran out of the woods and picked up the ball and ran back towards the woods."

"So that's when you swore?" asked the priest.

"No," says Jim. "A hawk swooped down and snatched up the squirrel and flew off."

"So then?" asked the priest.

"No," said Jim. "The squirrel dropped the ball. It bounced off a rock, Then bounced off a tree limb. Then bounced down an incline, hit another rock and bounced over the sand trap, onto the green and came to a stop six inches from the cup!" said Jim.

"So," said the priest, "You missed the @#$%^& PUTT?!?!"

22 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

Stick 'em with the pointy end!

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science.

 

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

 

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilised world call an albino!

 

Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

 

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

 

Two housewives were talking to each other over the backyard fence. Janet said to Kay I was mad at my husband this morning so I poured water on the floor in front of the washing machine. Its almost noon now and he is still trying to fix it.

No hard hat!!!

Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court and the judge says, “Mr. Mouse I have reviewed your petition for divorce and don't think I can grant it just because you claim your wife is stupid.”

And Mickey replies, “I didn't say she was stupid, your honor. I said she was f....in’ Goofy.”