IKEA has announced it intends to enter the motoring industry next year...

 

16 hours ago, jvs said:

Not bad but there are better suicide jokes!

I suggest you read the thread title.  Being better is not the goal.

I replaced my rooster with a duck.
Now I wake up at the quack of dawn.

 

Coming out of the local church, I saw £20 on the floor.

I picked it up, and said to myself "What would Jesus Do?"

So I went to the nearby supermarket and turned it into wine.....

 

What’s worse than a lobster on a piano?

Crabs on your organ.

 

What, walks, talks, flies and is all the colours of the rainbow, but if it fell on you it would kill you?
        
A 100 ton Parrott 

 

Just been to the gym at work today, because they've just got a new machine in.

I Only used it for about half an hour though,  as I started to feel sick.

It's great, though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

 

You can’t fart in an Apple store!!

Why?

Because they don’t have Windows!

 

It was so cold yesterday my computer froze…

It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open.

 

What do you call a man with an axe in his head?

An Ambulance.

 

Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club.

It was open Mike night

 

A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy.

The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts.

 

My Partner wanted to get into "role play" to spice things up in the bedroom. "Let's play doctor", they said.

I told them to go in the bedroom, shut the door, and to take off all of their clothes.

After half an hour I walked in, told them to lose 30 lbs, and handed them a bill for $300.

 

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked

😞

* Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

* Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

* Does killing time damage eternity?

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

* Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

* Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

* Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

* Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

* Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

* Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

* Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

* Do pilots take crash-courses?

* Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

* Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

* How can there be self-help "groups?"

* How do you get off a non-stop flight?

* How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

* How many weeks are there in a light year?

* If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

* If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

* If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

* If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

* If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

* If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

* If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

* If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

* If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

* If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

* Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

 

I've decided, that from January 1st, I'll only be watching videos in 1080p or higher.

 

It's my New Year's Resolution.

 

For their Christmas present, we took the kids to an orchard and stood there looking at the trees for over half an hour.

 

On the way back, all they did was moan and cry..... apparently it was not the Apple Watch they had wanted off Santa!

 

What’s another name for Santa’s helpers?

 

Subordinate clauses.

 

My friend asked, “My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

 

Me: Cats. Cats love fish