Dear Sir

I'd like to congratulate Elon Musk who has named his baby son X AE A-12 in some bizarre code to represent where he was conceived.

My parents did something similar so great minds and all that.

Sincerely J-9 M11

 

"This film has swearing, violence, torture, but no nudity or sex in it, " said my wife,

"A bit like our house then, " I replied.

Light travels at 186,282 miles per second.

The only thing faster ever recorded is my wife eating a cream cake.

 

My wife's been having to shout at every person she talks to for the last two months.

With her radius and the 6 feet social-distancing rule observed, no one can come closer than 10 feet to her face.

2 women were talking on the phone.

'How did your date go?' '

Alright until we got to his house. It was then that I noticed he had Bette Davis eyes.'

'Whats wrong with that? A lot of women like men with Black Hair and Blue eyes?' '

No, he had them in a marked up glass jar on a shelf in his toilet.'

 

Home-schooling has been tough on the kids. 

Today I had to relegate my son to our neighbour's football club.

 

Kraftwerk legend Florian Schneider's hearse pulled over doing 220mph on the Autobahn.

Did you hear about the confused suicide bomber who ran out of Semtex, so he went to Ann Summers to get a blow up doll.

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke.

 

I once tried to buy a house on an old Indian reservation.

When I asked if it came with running water, he told me to find my own wife.

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do?"

"Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

 

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket today.

Sprayed it all over myself. I still cant fly.

 

A policeman knocked on my door yesterday.

"Where were you between 4 and 6?" He demanded.

"Primary school!" I replied.

 

The police knocked on my door. An officer said, “We’d just like to inform you Sir, that whilst you were at work, a black male was apprehended trying to break into your property.”

“Golly!” I exclaimed.

The officer cautioned, “We understand your anger Sir, but lets just stick to referring to him as a black male.”

Anyone else hear about the appalling behaviour on Bournemouth beach yesterday?

Man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids. Then she smacked him one and it all kicked off.

Police turned up and the copper had to use his baton on the bloke, but after a struggle, the bloke got the baton off the copper then he started hitting the copper and the woman with it.

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages.

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face"?

 

"What do we want?"
"Hearing aids."
"When do we want them?"
"Hearing aids."

I'm feeling really tired today, I’ve been revising for a practical exam on pest control; I was up all night swatting.

What have a plumber and a porn star got in common?
Their hourly rates.

Britain's fattest man has died.
The cremation will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

Whenever I feel depressed about being stuck at home due to the virus I think about my friend who's stuck in Iraq.  Things got so bad for the poor guy that he called a suicide helpline.  They asked him if he owned a backpack and could drive a van.

A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser...

Ironically, he won't be needing it now.