Of the Titanic musicians only one survived...

 

..

 

Don’t you hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache.

And suddenly, she’s not your friend anymore.

A female has been robbing local convenience stores in the middle of the night in the nude.

So far the best description the police have is "I think she has brown hair"

He was in ecstasy with a huge grin on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....in and out....
.... back and forth ...in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end and he knew it.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder. Finally, totally exhausted and dripping in sweat, she let out an almighty scream "OK I can't park the damned car! You do it ..... you smug ******* pig!"

I’ve been working as an IT Director at Old MacDonald’s farm for the past three years and I've just been promoted!

I’m now the C.I.E.I.O.

My wife: "I shouldn't have got you that blender for Christmas."

Me: sipping toast "Why?"

The man that invented human cloning has died .
The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.