I have, I think,  discovered why we have so many 7/11's.

They are for navigation if you don't have gps or sat-nav.

eg turn right at the 3rd 7/11, go straight until the next 7/11 then turn right.

At the T juction with the 7/11 in front of you turn right.

Our place is 10 metres past the fourth 7/11 on your left.

????

4 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

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Looks like the Colonel is going spelunking. 

Seasons  Greetings.

And a Happy New Year!

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl.

I replied, "I didn't even know he played cricket!"

I think I might bail out of this session as I do not think it is cricket to post jokes which go ever my head and seem to be wide of any comic boundary!

I will paws for a tea break now if they are still allowed!

 

 

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall

He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'

Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'

The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'

The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'

Google knows!  Subject: Today's Reality

CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want ...

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetable!

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know!

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Whats App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

A man goes into a drugstore

and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

 

The man says, "No, because I never had them but my wife out in the car still does!"

 

 

 

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

 

 

"Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription and just for today we have a special his and her promotion where we are selling two potions for the price of one."

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork decided to give up practicing medicine. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

 

A man sees a sign outside a house -
'Talking Dog For Sale .'
He rings the bell, the owner appears
And tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk,
The man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I joined  SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.
Because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping, 
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years."
"But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger
So I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport
to do some undercover security work,
Wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings
and was awarded several medals.
I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man was amazed
He goes back into the house and asks the owner
how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10.....!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying <deleted>, 
He's never been out of the garden."

Ok. A  bit  rough  but ........

So  now it's  time  for.......

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